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Original poster

19 year old and chores

19 replies

Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 20:08

Guys
Can I ask please your opinion on something.
My 19 year old Son is going into second year at college, I pay his fees, he lives at home and doesn't make any contribution towards rent or bills etc, and doesn't do the chores he agreed to do 6 months ago properly or consistently.
He had agreed to walk ( his own) dog every day, Hoover the bottom of the house every day, cut the grass once a week and a few other bits. It's all half hearted, half done, when he's around, when he can be bothered....
What are your arrangements with ure student kids please?! It gets me down. And I'm not setting him up realistically for life " on the outside"! Thanks a mill

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 23/08/2015 20:15

My son was doing these chores (and more) while he was still at secondary. If he failed to do them as agreed, he'd get a reminder. Failed again, I'd withdraw something minor or tell him he wasn't getting any lifts anywhere for the rest of the week. Fail again after that and I'd take his Xbox off him. Only had to do that once Grin

Skiptonlass · 23/08/2015 20:25

Don't fall for the "doing it badly" routine. Next time, call him on it, with humour, say something like,

"Oh, are you doing the 'if I do it really badly/break something/take ages then they won't ask me to do it again' thing? Sorry sonny Jim, that's not going to wash in this house. Do it again and do it right."

Pocket is right - at a much younger age kids do more than this. See it as training him for the real world and be a bit of a hard taskmaster for a while. Sanctions if he doesn't do it, and constant reminders. It's his dog. He should be walking it. He should be pulling his weight around the house and doing it with a bit of pride. He's got a sweet deal with you looking after his every need.

Yes, you'll probably have a few tantrums when you put your foot down.. But keep up the pressure!
Future girlfriends will thank you - nothing worse. Than a guy who has gone from mum's house straight to theirs and isn't house trained.

Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 20:45

Yeah I know.... Well I should have said we have pulled him up on it a lot of the summer. Cue strops. We suggested last week he pay rent if he wasn't going to pull his weight. Then he got upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 20:46

Posted too soon - but thinks we are asking too much as he's " busy". I suppose we are making a fool out of him.

OP posts:
frenchcheeses · 23/08/2015 20:57

Have some balls and pull him up on it properly. Withdraw lifts/meals/pocket money if chores aren't done well enough. He's an adult and needs to be treated like one.

scatterthenuns · 23/08/2015 20:59

Completely agree on the future girlfriends front. I left a boyfriend 6 months after moving in with him because he was piss poor at the basics.

Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 21:01

I hear u! He doesn't eat much at home anymore. He doesn't need lifts. There's not much to withdraw. I agree with u. It's causing a lot of stress

OP posts:
Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 21:01

Oh he knows how to do everything btw - I've shown him- he does his own washing and cooking if needs be. But I agree.

OP posts:
Gooseberrycrumble2 · 23/08/2015 21:06

He should be doing all of that happily. I would start charging him rent on the days he doesn't complete his chores. So £10 a day could be reasonable and it needs to be given on the day he fails to do his chores

Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 21:07

That's a bloody good idea

OP posts:
Gooseberrycrumble2 · 23/08/2015 21:08

I would look to rehome the dog too. If he can't walk it, it's not appropriate for him to keep it.

lorelei9 · 23/08/2015 21:21

OP - I'm wondering what you mean when you say "he does his own cooking and washing if needs be"? He should just do his own cooking and washing. I know it can seem a bit weird but the alternative is a meal rota - would he stick to it? If not, then you'll be going hungry so the best solution is that he cook his own meals, surely?

And doing own laundry is a no-brainer. Of course do a call-out and see if anyone wants to pop anything in when you each do a wash, but generally, a 19 year old who isn't doing the basics is pretty badly behind.

I'm also wondering how busy he is and if he has time to get a job. That's not just about paying you rent but if he's refusing to grow up, a job would be helpful.

I've got a friend with a 25 year old daughter, employed, essentially refusing to leave home because she can't be arsed. It's a really grim situation, she parks with her parents because she wants to live in a house that is run for her. My friend is really regretting not having put her foot down much earlier but then says things like "I can't cook a meal and not include her". She is finally doing that but it's caused endless rows and atmosphere.

please don't end up like my friend - put your foot down now.

Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 21:27

Thanks all. You are all correct. He washes his own clothes. If he's round when dinners being cooked I will put him in the pot, if not he does something simple when he gets in. The dogs a much loved family pet too and of course we walk it ( I have other kids too) so won't be rehomed. Yes, I'm making a fool out of him. And me and DH

OP posts:
Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 21:28

Sorry yes he hassle part time job too, forgot that

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 23/08/2015 21:31

EloiseDublin123 "If he's round when dinners being cooked I will put him in the pot,"

okay, I realise you're annoyed but that seems a bit extreme Grin

oh well, if he's got a job, then I think it's sorted - he does his chores properly and daily or he pays rent!

Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 21:34

Cool yeah I concur and thanks guys xxx

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 23/08/2015 21:36

You need to tell him he's a grown up now and responsible for himself.
Give him a written contract and refuse money, roof over head etc if he doesn't step up.
One night away from his cosy bed would soon sort him out. If you give him money then stop this immediately, he is earning and can fund himself.
You have to be cruel to be kind but it does pay off.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 23/08/2015 21:44

I've got a 20 y/o and a 23 y/o living at home with me and DH. We have a rota for daily chores - laundry, cooking, washing up. People are allocated a number of 'slots' depending on how busy they are and they fill in the days they can do. First come, first served and if you can't do one of the slots that are left you havce to negotiate a swap. It's kind of self-policing, e.g. if whoever is down for washing up hasn't done it then whoever is down for cooking complains loudly because they don't have a clean kitchen to cook in. People nag each other and it doesn't have to be me all the time.

We have another rota for giving each room a proper clean once a week. That doesn't work so well because nobody else seems to give a shit about general cleanliness as long as they're fed and clothed.

Original poster
Eloisedublin123 · 23/08/2015 21:54

Great food for thought there thanks a mill xx

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