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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lack of trust

21 replies

lizabeth0607 · 23/08/2015 16:32

I have been with my DP for 2 years. He has admitted that he doesn't trust me and when I ask why he blames my past, I may have had a few more relationships than him but nothing out of the ordinary so I don't understand his reasoning.

He will bring things I confided in with him up from my past and use them against me and make me feel guilty when it's all past and irrelevant to our current relationship.

I have never done a thing to hurt him, never cheated and don't intend to, however I'm sick of being accused of these things. I have reassured him I wouldn't do this to him and he just nods or says something sarcastic.

I don't know how much longer I can put up with him making me out to be a bad person when I have done absolutely nothing wrong!

OP posts:

pictish · 23/08/2015 16:35

How about for the rest of your life, because if you choose to stick it out with this guy, that's how long it will go on for.

He has no reason to distrust you, but he does anyway. What do you propose to do with that? I don't think there much you can do is there?

OddlyLogical · 23/08/2015 17:37

Trust doesn't develop in situations like this. He is blaming your past for his behaviour now - he will always do that. Your reassurances mean nothing to him, he enjoys his superior position to you.
The relationship is doomed.

thecatfromjapan · 23/08/2015 17:45

He sounds as though he is betraying your trust in him on a regular basis BUT you don't notice that because all you two talk about is what you can do to get him to trust you. And the cherry on top of that cake is that he has already told you that there is nothing you can do.

Actually, he does trust you: he trusts you to put up with all of this abuse without walking away.

My suggestion is that you surprise him and leave.

He's told you he's not going to change. As pictish says, unless YOU act - and the only move you are permitted in this game is to leave - you are effectively sacrificing the whole rest of your life to this. Honestly, you were born for better: for beautiful mornings, and exhilarating travel of the body and mind, for the experiences of loving and being loved, and to walk feeling grass under your feet with a sense of contentment and happiness at just being in the world.

This relationship is the equivalent of deciding to spend your life in one small room, looking out of a dirty window at life. There is a whole world out there, but you need to walk through the door.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2015 17:46

Get shut of this inadequate loser.

summerwinterton · 23/08/2015 18:21

this is nothing to do with trust, and everything to do with him being a nasty knob. Get rid and find someone who is nice, because he sure as hell never will be.

loveyoutothemoon · 23/08/2015 18:23

Get rid, it'll only get worse.

TPel · 23/08/2015 18:25

This is all about his problems and nothing to do with you. I couldn't imagine spending a day with someone like this let alone 2 years.
it will only get worse.

TPel · 23/08/2015 18:25

Snap loveyou

pocketsaviour · 23/08/2015 18:28

Bin this cunt off sharpish.

It will only get worse.

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 24/08/2015 11:07

Thank you everyone for replying. I spoke to him about it last night and he just listened to everything I said. I said he is pushing me away because of issues of his own, that none of this is anything to do with me and if it doesn't stop I will walk. Don't know how much sank in or if anything did at all, he left for work early hours so I will see how things are when he gets home.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

JellyBean31 · 24/08/2015 11:17

I had those "talks" periodically for over 20yrs... It's not you, it's him. You can't change him and ultimately he probably doesn't want to change.

I've left now, but wish I'd done it before DC. If you don't have kids yet, leave or you'll end up putting up with his unreasonable behaviour for even longer.

TheExMotherInLaw · 24/08/2015 11:19

Leave. As soon as you can. Next step would be gaslighting.

Tyrannosaurus · 24/08/2015 11:35

In my experience men who behave like this are often assuming you will behave how they do. I'd have a good look at what he is up to. That said even if that is not the case, is it worth putting up with someone who thinks so little of you?

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 24/08/2015 11:52

Tyrannosaurus I have had these thoughts also, but I genuinely believe he is just very insecure. His ex wife left him for another man and I think this is probably the source of his ridiculous behaviours.

He is by no means like it all the time, mostly he is a great partner and father and I do love him greatly.

I am just tired of him thinking so little of me. I have been nothing but good to him and don't feel I deserve accusations of any kind.

OP posts:

LadyBlaBlah · 24/08/2015 12:05

SOunds exhausting

Jealousy is not a compliment

And often a sign of someone who themselves are not trustworthy

loveyoutothemoon · 24/08/2015 12:47

Is there a chance he could be cheating on you and this is his way of hiding it or ways of dealing with guilt?

JellyBean31 · 24/08/2015 13:48

lizbeth my stbxh was married before, his 1st wife allegedly cheated on him, I believed that's where his jealousy stemmed from and that when he finally realised I wasn't going to cheat wed be ok... I was deluded!!

I spoke to his 1st wife once at a family funeral and found out he'd been exactly the same with her.... Funnily he's now spouting the same old rubbish to DC to justify his behaviour towards me (they agreed I needed to leave him).

Also to back up tyrannosaurus theory, he cheated on me!! I stupidly thought that might be the turning point and he'd give me an easier time. He did for a while of course (just long enough to convince me to stay) but eventually it was all back to had it had been previously.

And yes, of course he's not like this all the time, they never are or we'd be our the door in a flash... But if you want advice from someone who has been in your shoes, this is NEVER going to get better.

Wed done couples & individual counselling, nothing changed because he didn't want to change!

0dfod · 24/08/2015 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lizabeth0607 · 26/08/2015 11:07

I guess because I thought (and still do to a certain extent) he was able to change. I thought that once he sees that not everyone treats people in such a dismal way that his accusations would stop.

But it appears I'm just kidding myself and don't want to admit it

OP posts:

JellyBean31 · 26/08/2015 14:07

Don't beat yourself up, you're not kidding yourself, you just want to believe the best in him. It is him that has let you down and him that is secure enough to believe you'll carry on putting up with his shit...

Now you have examples of others who've been in your position and the benefit of their experience, it's up to you what you do next. But it is so important that you don't blame yourself and you accept that you are not responsible for his problems.

Keep checking back here, I wish I'd discovered mumsnet years ago

NickiFury · 26/08/2015 14:13

This man dislikes and mistrusts women, all of them. I can guarantee that if you leave him he will use how much you "hurt" him by leaving, as a reason to treat the next woman badly too. He's quite lucky isn't he? As long as you're around, he gets to have his own individual woman to project his dislike onto and work out his feelings of anger towards women.

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