Living with a parent? Tips please.

[goblinhat]

My elderly mother. Drive me nuts at times. Right wing/pro capital punishment/christian.
I have taken to going out a lot.

Any survival tips?

I drink heavily and have reverted to being a teenager complete with strops and door slamming. I'm not sure I recommend my technique if I'm honest, but it's very hard to do otherwise.

Things that work are separate spaces - I watch tv in my room a lot.

Equally though, spending quality time together is important or you turn into a lodger. See. I'm full of contradictions. Perhaps I should bow out of this thread, it's not my strong point, can you tell?!

Ps our mothers sound similar. She asked the vicar to talk to me last week, which went down wel!

Ha ha Twirly your posts have brightened up my Sunday

twirly- sound good = although my mother has a big attitude towards anyone drinking- even a glass of wine on christmas day is OTT.

Twirly- Please don't bow out of this thread, I love your attitude.

My mum came to live with us 7 months ago, it's very difficult and at times I feel totally suffocated by it all - the parent-child role reversal just feels so bizarre for me still.

I also spend a lot of time in my bedroom just trying to cling onto my sanity.

When I'm feeling frustrated it helps me to be mindful of the fact that my mum is probably feeling just as frustrated: having given up her home, most of her belongings and independence to come and live with me. It doesn't stop me from wanting to throttle her at least 10 times a day but it helps me to get through the day in some small way.

How long has your mum been living with you?

GloriousSlug

You have wise words. Mother has been with us 12 months.

GloriousSlug
What led you to this arrangemenT?

Our situation is a bit unusual - my mum came to live with me due to immigration issues which have led to her being unable to claim benefits or be employed (it's complicated and I'd rather not go into too much detail on here but she has been in the UK for 40 years - legally I should probably add!). Her situation meant that she had to leave her rented accommodation and live with me.

My mum is quite young, late 50's but behaves as though she is much older, I believe she is depressed but she wouldn't dream of seeking professional help and she has no friends or other family to turn to - meaning I have to bear the brunt of her ups and downs.

Sorry for the mini rant hopefully someone will come along soon with some tips for coping!

glorious- I think it's the emotional dependence that I find so suffocating.
If I go out to hang laundry she comes out too. If I sit in the living room she does also- if I go to tidy the kitchen she comes to help. She chats non- stop, repeating endless stories- hogs the TV- she doesn't like the shows I enjoy, she spends the day watching Jeremy Kyle and quiz shows.

What Twirlypoo said . Still there and wearing the very tattered T-shirt . How old is she?

Can you turn her room into more of a bedsit, own TV, kettle, comfy armchair? Does she use a computer? Get her hooked on Mumsnet!

If not, get another TV and a lock for your bedroom. Get a private bottle of vodka for your own room.

Tell her you have an imaginary urgent work project which will require you to spend 2 hours on your laptop, in Your Own Room, every evening for the foreseeable future, and On No Account must you be disturbed.

Try to set some territorial boundaries in your living space (did I mention the importance ofyou both having your Own Rooms? ). Encourage her to get out and meet people, (not always easy for older people I know) maybe by joining WA / TG, or doing some light voluntary work.

Do keep us updated!

If you have a separate dining room turn it into another sitting. A friend put a small fold up dining table in her sitting room and had to move the sofa to use it but it meant they had separate sitting rooms. If you can't do that a TV in the kitchen may help. She also put a basin in her bedroom it was tiny but just gave her added privacy. Wine helped too.

She is only in her 50s! You could have to live with this for 30 years - you must try and get her to change or it will drive you completely mad.

My mother has a TV in her bedroom- she prefers to watch downstairs. The house is big enough for all of us, she just chooses to spend time with the family.
I naiively thought that this would be a practical arrangement. I end up spending more time with her than I do my OH.

I am currently living with my mum along with my dc's. I have been for a year or so due to separation from stbexh and consequently him messing me about with money. She is in her 60's although quite a young 65 yr old. The only way we have survived is to have separate living spaces. So we have turned the back room into a second sitting room with a TV and all the dc's toys etc. In an evening, the dc's and I spend our time in there. We have our own space. I love her to bits but if we hadn't done that I would go insane. Still do sometimes

You can try the seperate tvs which might help but given nature of your DM that might be a struggle. Is there anyway you can solve the issue as to why she had to live with you?

Wando- not sure. She is elderly, and increasingly fragile. She has reverted to a childlike emotional state ( although in full control of her faculties)
I have suggested sheltered housing, but she does not want to be "abandoned" and becomes tearful. On the few occasions I have suggested it I have caught her packing a little bag like a 4 year old and saying she will sleep on the street if I am throwing her out.

That's not the behaviour of a four year old, that's emotional blackmail. I would never expect to live with one of my grown up children, I'd be horrified to mess up their life in that way. If she is the child and you are the adult now, you get to make the decisions. That includes what is on TV downstairs and when she needs to give you done space. You need to get firmer or you are going to go insane! Personally I would be considering sheltered accommodation nearby or a house with a proper annexe for her.

You need to be careful. I fell into the role of companion, friend, entertainment manager, housekeeper etc of my DM in her old age. You feel totally responsible for their wellbeing, which is one thing, but also for their happiness and enjoyment of life, quite a burden! Try to make some boundaries now.

THanks scooby, that's how I feel. She seems to be living her life vicariously.
Although she is relatively fit, doesn't drive but I have a bus stop very near my home which takes her to town, she loves to tag along with me.
Part of my work involves going to auctions, I am sure exciting for her, but I have work and business to do, if she sees me getting ready she gets ready too sometimes.
I will often suggest that I drop her off in town to meet a friend instead, as my day will be busy and boring. But she often doesn't get the hint.
If I am direct she becomes upset.

My mother moved into a residential home when she could no longer walk much (unwillingly I might add) but I was having anxiety attacks at the thought of her living with me, she lived nearby, I realized that although we had a good relationship we weren't really very close emotionally and I couldn't face being with her all the time.

Goblinhat, how long have you been living with your mother?

We are 6 years in now. Our first year was incredibly stressful, especially as we (DH, DS and I) moved back to live in my childhood home with her (30 years ! after I left home) , but we have gradually carved out our own spaces.

My DM is now 86 and was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago. She is still quite independent in terms of personal care, but has always been solitary and reclusive, so our are situations are rather different. As DM has declined, she has become completely dependent on us for managing the house and her personal affairs, and frankly is very grateful for our presence and support. She is aware she would be in residential care if we weren't here.