reviewing friends....hardly anyone left

[Fastcargirl]

Over the last couple of years Ive seen actively moved people out of my life who have not been good for me and now I realise how many years ive spent hoping to please people, needing their approval and I feel both sad and liberated. I disconnected from 1 person who has always been quite critical of me. I hadnt seen her for a while when she sent me a text saying she had heard a rumour that id got big again. There was more in the text but I didnt read it. At that moment I just knew id never see her again to be honest I felt ashamed I had put on weight but I was more upset she had told me. Another ex friend asked me to look after her dog who ate my shoe, had a wee on my clothes and took a dump in my bedroom. When I told my friend all she could say was what a naughty boy the dog was. I didnt ask for money for the shoe, I felt it must have been my fault. The last one was an ex friend who I have visited over many years helping her with bits and peices and walking her dogs. She is in hospital and I was still driving the 20 miles to walk her dogs when she sent me a text saying she was incredibly stressed and I had stated I would walk the dogs 4 times and one time I hadnt turned up. And finally my mum who whenever I say I will visit says'you dont have to' or 'there is no need' and who cant forgive me for what happened in Superdrug last year (she was shouting at the sales assistant and I told her she was being aggressive and to stop shouting). What I am wondering is it feels like ive suddenly become intolerant of other people and whether its something in me thats not understanding things. The person who text me saying id got fat keeps sending me messages asking how I am as does the one with the dog. I ignore them. My mum swings from being nice to being cruel so im managing that. I do like my own company but I do seem to have a shrinking life.

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. It sounds as if you've let people away with too much for too long. Could you do some work on your boundaries so you don't find yourself getting taken advantage of again? It sounds like you've been very unlucky with your "friends". I am a people pleaser but even among all the people who take advantage of me there are some decent ones who look out for me. Can you join some clubs/look for ways of meeting new friends?

Just to be clear-you don't sound like the problem. The I'd got fat is horrendous as is the dog "friend" and is your mother just difficult for you or do other people find her "challenging"

I can relate to you in that I have also shifted a lot of people who have not been good for me out of my life. I have not the time or energy... and have to look after myself and my physical and mental health now I'm getting older....to deal with certain people.

The ones I have let go of ['friends'/family...long story] have in the past been judgmental, critical, mocking, used me and generally not made any efforts to see me or be supportive, plus been downright rude and/or hurtful. And I've had enough. Seriously. I've been helpful, cooperative, consistent, made efforts to visit and be there for these people, only to forgotten or disregarded. No More. I cannot absorb any more hurt.

You sound hurt and hurting. I think texts can be misunderstood however and better to address the person face to face and sort the issue out, see their facial expressions, see if they are genuine and still wanting to be there for you after they hear your feelings have been hurt.

Often it's not the incident itself that is the decider but the fact it's the last straw. If someone has continually made you feel bad about yourself and you always come away feeling like rubbish when you see them...you go home feeling worried and agitated, then they are not doing you any good.

Just stick with people whose company you enjoy and when you leave them you feel warm and fuzzy. Try and make new friends, maybe it's time for you to change your social circle, new hobbies/activities etc.

But all is not lost, they all want to contact you so tell them how you feel, give them a chance to talk about it because you won't have lost anything by doing that. Your mum...when she is behaving see her and talk to her, when she isn't being fair don't engage on the phone, text or in person and explain why. Then she has the choice to be civil or else lose out.

Sounds like you're on a health curve! Great to get the revelation you deserve better and you're not going to put up with any old shit.

I'd be celebrating iiwy

Thank you for your kind responses. Glad to know you have similar experiences. I'm not sure how I feel to be honest but I know I feel negative. think I've always put in efforts looking for the potential of relationships rather than just knowing what the actual relationship is.

I'm making all efforts to get into a better place already but what has surprised me is that my own resolve in keeping the people out of my life. When the friend text me about being fat within a second I had eliminated her from my life and that was that. Same with the dog friends. Thinking of having contact with them makes me anxious. So regrets I wholly understand when you say you need to look after your own health and wellbeing.

I seriously never want to see these people again. Im annoyed with myself for being used for my goodwill for such a long time when I could have spent that time doing other things. I am also building relationships with people who are optimistic, generous and don't seem to mind whether I'm fat or thin but I feel wary and also weary.

Regarding my mum she doesn't contact me so I go through this stomach churning anxiety about how she will be when I call her. She will bring things up that I have done in the past and play them out again so I get upset and she will talk effervescently about the neighbours daughters, what they were wearing, how they visit often. She hates my cousin and says I didn't do enough to stick up for her when she and my cousin fell out. Truth was she didn't tell me so I was blissfully unaware. However 10 years later my mum's despise of my cousin comes up in every conversation and if I try and distract her and it to a positive story mum puts the phone down. Last night i dreamt my mum died and I woke up in such a dark place. She is 80 let seems to reject me, reject my help and apart from her and my brother I have no relatives alive so she is my only link to my own history. My partner who has wonderful parents tells me 'she is old, she is your mum' and that angers me too.

I'm worried how much time I am spending thinking about this and I am also worried how much it has angered me, I feel isolated with my own thoughts watching the world made up of wonderful friendships, supportive parents...pass by me while I feel sad, absorbed in myself and bewildered. To just process the thoughts I swim 1km nearly every day which is helping. I just want to feel lighter in my own head again.

I don't know how to work out my boundaries. iloverunning where do I start? spingydaffs I think you may be right, but I seriously worry I won't have anyone left.

Fastcar your strong resolve is a good thing, as is your gut feeling to end the friendship there and then. I thought you had doubts but sounds like you are already in the process of making some new friends. That's great...as is the swimming.

I just think make sure every thing with friends is mutual and equal so that you don't give too much or are feeling used. Use the '3 strikes and you're out method'....allow others a couple of mistakes/misunderstandings/benefit of the doubt before deciding if a friendship is really working and you are happy.

I bet you do feel annoyed. I think letting go involves a long grieving process involving hurt, sadness, anger, acceptance, adjustment and finally relief and indifference. It won't feel better overnight and you are still processing it all so be kind to yourself. Try not to worry, your brain is just coming to terms with the recent events so it is focussing a bit too much on it all. It will change in time though. It's not a nice situation but it will get better.

Not everyone has supportive friends and family though, no way.

I used to be annoyed when my mother waxed lyrical about other members of the family. When she died I heard she talked about me in the same way....I just never knew. Maybe try and keep contact with your mother to times when you are feeling confident, and keep it brief if she is being unreasonable. But I know how frustrating it must be.

I don't have anyone left either...

The person I stayed very close for many years made me actually cry...
I still wanted to keep her in my life, but she just thought she can have me the way she wanted. Didnt allow that to happen...

And you shouldn't worry about your friend who is concerned about your weight. Let her live life the way she wants to live.

Welldone for ignoring their texts.

I do the same. Have done since I left school and realised they were not my friends but I had been desperate for their approval for years. Same happened when I met friends at work, I was there for them when they needed me, yet I got ill and had to leave work and I saw my so called best friends twice in 1 year. I moved and didn't bother to tell them my new address. Stayed friendless for years, made some new ones after DC was born, thought they were friends for life 1 in particular, then she started acting like she was above people and I didn't like it, turns out others thought the same about her. Thought the rest were great but it turns out they are not there when I need them and have just got shitty with me because I don't go along with everything they want and I will speak out if I don't agree with something. I'm not a bum licking sheep like the rest and they don't like it. Well tough tits.

I've made some new friends but most, I am realising, are probably more casual friends and once our children are not in the same place I'm not sure if we'll see each other which is a shame. And i'll end up back at square 1.

I think sometimes I'm too eager to build friendships and then I find out they aren't what I had hoped and I get hurt. Finding those that aren't like this is proving to be very difficult!

I feel more settled knowing this is a process of change and to have the assurance that feeling annoyed is ok has been a relief. I actually do feel a need to grieve for a bit and of course grieving is painful. I'm still a bit shaky as the sands are shifting but I think I'll be ok in time.

Good advice on my mum, I'll definitely try to implement the suggestions I don't want to cut contact so I will learn to contact when I'm in a secure place.

Reading replies I realise among the anxiety, deep down I'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself and I also feel there is no going back, this is how it is now.

crapbag the friends I have left are casual and I've decided I like my own company and the thought of building another deep friendship at the moment is emotionally unappealing. I'm working toward an acceptance that the casual friends are v important to me as are the 10 minute interactions I have when I walk the dog and I don't need a best friend or a group of 'girls' and that is ok.
Being ill is always a leveller when it comes to friends. You sound like you stand by your own values which takes courage. This is something I am learning to do, be less meek and accommodating.

That is what I do. It doesn't feel courageous, but thanks, I think it stems from an early age when my 'mother' abandoned me. I have always been desperate for people's approval and to know they liked me and I am not a bad person, which I'm not, but I also took from it that you can't rely on anyone and I have always been pretty independent and I don't like accepting help from anyone.

I did a compassionate focused therapy course last year and I found it really good. It helped me to put myself first and to show myself compassion and that it is ok to put myself first. Unfortunately my so called friends didn't like this but I decided I didn't care as if they couldn't take me for who I am, then they weren't real friends at all. Maybe it's something you could look into? I did it through my local mental health service where we refer ourselves. I also had counselling through it and that really helped me to see that it is other people's actions, not mine and I can't do anything about them but I can change how I react to them. It sounds like you are doing the same so good for you. It's hard but at the same time it is liberating.

I think what you are saying is far more common than you realise Fastcar. True friendship is much rarer than a lot of us would like to believe. Facebook puts a thick, well glued on veneer to this too. I had two friends that would down tools to do anything to help me/pay our mortgage if we couldn't/look after the critters when DH was taken to hospital with the big C. That type of deep friendship. One has died and the other is emigrating to Canada any day soon. We have plenty of people we are aware of being basically toxic but profess to be friends but, stripped back, I trust our postman more than I trust them!

I have been burnt too. Thought I knew someone really well but when push came to shove there was no sign of them and yet I got them out of a massive financial hole a few years ago so they could keep a roof over their head. People can be really fickle and self serving. It hurts like hell. You are not alone is what I am trying to say.

You seem to have been surrounded by really unpleasant people.

sick thanks and I hope your DH is recovering. I got sucked into the whole FB shite which I know is ridiculous. I have been seriously thinking of getting rid of everyone and just keeping groups on there an a couple of random people I'm interested in. I do think it's common to have very few people to trust. I did laugh, a few days ago a friend of one of my ex dog friends friends told me 'please don't fall out with dog friend, we have such a laugh'. I told her it was my decision as I had made every effort to walk those dogs yet she valued my friendship so little she felt it necessary to berate me for not doing enough.
Even my DP has said 'just give is a bit of time, then maybe go and see her'. When I told him I had no intentions of going back he was a bit surprised.
crapbag I'll check out the course. We have a self referral system where I live.
light yes....thing is for too long I made excuses or thought it was just them and their ways. One ridiculous episode was one of them asked me to pick her up after she had a minor procedure (local). When I got there she was almost moribund in her chair and asked me to give her a banana. The next day (after I stayed with her) she said I lacked patience as I should have peeled her banana. The other one almost always talked about my weight, saying things like 'you would be a 9/10 if it wasn't your weight.

None of them know the reasons for being dumped and I just can't be bothered telling them.

I've quite a good friend at the mo (note: at the mo!). I'm going through a gruesome health crisis and she has stepped up..

But she didn't step up initially. So I withdrew. Not entirely but there was definitely a chill. She has a lot of genuine commitments and I know that but she let me down in quite a cavalier way (I thought) and I wasnt going to be accepting that, esp at such a vulnerable time. She has taken the hint and knuckled down.

This ^ may sound controlling but I don't think it is - it could be, there a fine line, but it's not, I keep my eye on it. Another friend during this crisis has shown some shocking faults while at the same time stepped up. I have to work that out, what I am prepared to accept (I posted about it I was so conflicted). The fact is, people have faults. Some are deal breakers, true, but some aren't.

With the first friend, above, I didn't talk to her about what had hurt me bcs she wouldn't have been able to take it; so I used actions. Not unkind but not as available, i suppose? She got the drift she'd done something wrong and has genuinely addressed it (from what I can see so far). I am impressed by the shift she has made and she has turned out (so far!) to be a mainstay to the best of her ability. You can't get better than that.

Morse code relating is not my style at all but I've had to turn down my erm open lol style of relating bcs ppl can't take that level of honesty, it actually frightens them. The second friend, above, I did approach her with my usual style and she kicked off BIG time. She went off in high dudgeon, deleted me, stropped off. Then came back after a few months. We're reconnecting but she knows what I will and won't take and perhaps we can develop something deeper.

I like ppl. I have many 'friends'/acquaintances and enjoy a broad spectrum of friends. But not all can be trusted and I know that. It's working that out re when ppl are doing their best and mean well.

I think you've done absolutely the right thing. There's no point having people in your life that don't respect you and treat you like crap. Friendship is a two-way street.

springdaffs I can understand what you are saying I think. I don't think it's controlling, rather you learn about people step by step and it's a lot more fluid, up and down, ebb and flow. I'm sorry you are going through gruesome health and I hope somewhere you can find the best healing environment that's right for you.
This position I find myself in today actually stems from my own ill health. I'm healthy now but I had 2 significant periods of ill health and during that time I spent too much energy on maintaining these friendships, pleasing people and not enough on my self. Plus the friends didn't step up. They probably would say it's because I didn't ask for help....nevertheless. I was distressed and they just wanted me to be my usual self. One of them told me I'd lost my spark when I failed to entertain her after I had major surgery.
But you are right, I may need to work out whether their intentions are good even if the communication is poor or whether they are just out for themselves And I can be sensitive.
This lot will remained dumped but I'll be more vigilant in future

I have to say I'm constantly making new friends. You never know who is going to stick. Some are there for a period of time - eg I've made some very good friends, a young couple who have been wonderful through this crisis: the real deal. Whereas other fiends I would have expected to step up haven't. One friend is frightened by what I'm going through and has kept her distance but is lovely when I do see her. I could be very hurt - she's frightened? How does she think I feel?! - but she is doing the best she can. I can see that. I keep her light but I am heartened she does care but can't cope.

I appreciate i'm an extrovert, or at least not an introvert, so I can step out and make new friends relatively easily. But I'm a sensitive soul, too (many extroverts are!) and can be easily hurt. Making friends is about keeping it light I think. You don't know what's going to come of it but it can be fun for the duration.

Lol at fiends typo

the problem with being too nice

Fwiw I removed a whole circle 5 years ago and never regretted it. I have other friends but I niw realise this lot werwme simply using me. So I wish you well