Feel hurt, angry, betrayed by DM - but maybe IABU?

[greencottage]

About six months ago I posted a lot about a big family fiasco involving my DSis wedding and the behaviour of her and her (minor celebrity) DP towards my young adult DS. Long story but I ended up not going to the wedding because of it and the shocking way they treated my DS, including writing vile emails about him and me and sending them to various family members around the world. Since then there's been no reconciliation and the last contact I had was an email saying I was dead to her. I felt my DM did not give me any support through this episode and tried to gloss over the whole thing in the interest of not spoiling the wedding.

A few months after that, out of the blue, DSis's DH (my new BIL) wrote a shocking email to my DB accusing me of amongst other things of being a malicious liar, citing various completely untrue things, and again, saying horrible and unfounded things about my DS. DB was shocked by the email and so was I, but we decided to completely ignore it and not feed it by giving him airtime. I told DM about it and she knows my feeling about BIL and what he has done to alienate me and DS and the things he has said.

So now, another few months have gone by and it is DM's 80th birthday coming up. Obviously we had started planning a few little things to celebrate the big birthday. But yesterday DM rings to say that DSis has given her a surprise trip to Bali on her actual birthday so she'll be going away with DSis and the BIL who has caused so much hurt and damage to me and DS, and torn apart previously loving family relationships. AIBU to feel hurt that she would even consider going on holiday with this person, knowing what he has done to us. Also that DSis gives the big celebrity-style gift and the birthday plans we made as a family are overlooked, so DM goes away with this person who has caused so much hurt and destruction.

I want my DM to have a nice time (obviously anyone would love a trip to Bali) but AIBU to feel hurt and betrayed that she is willing to spend time with this BIL knowing what he has done? I really don't know if I am or not, but I certainly feel very hurt and let down.

I do see why you feel this way, but your DSis is also her daughter. You and DB can still go something lovely for her.

Urgh I remember your thread. I think your Mum doesn't want to choose between keeping your Dsis and everyone else happy.

Not surprised you are very hurt though

It's very hard to say tbh. This is another one of those where it would be incredibly helpful to hear the other side of the story.

No you are not BU! No way!

My mum is about the same age and she also turns a blind eye to similar stuff going down in the family (me the target, like you). I think they get to a certain age and they cba with the drama. They've brought up their family, worked hard all their lives, and just want a happy life as they slide off to yonder.

You're going to have to take this on the chin. It's all wrong but ime with my mum, she's already checked out. Make a mental note that you can't really on her for loyalty in the future. She will float between you all and not engage in any angst.

*rely

I remember your thread and I do feel a lot of sympathy for you and how this must have made you feel, but unfortunately I'm going to say yabu. Your sister is your mother's daughter too and your mum loves her, despite what has taken place between the four of you.

youre not being unreasonable to be hurt. Anyone would be. I think you need to not expect your DM to take sides though. Its not her quarrel.

Without having read your earlier thread, I don't think you're BU to feel hurt and betrayed but, to my mind, it's your dsis who's let you down and it's not unreasonable for your dm to try to avoid siding with, or being seen to favour, one of her dc over another.

My guess is that your dsis & her minor slob zleb planned this 'surprise' with the intention of causing further hurt and are no doubt rubbing their hands with glee that your dm has agreed go in the belief that it will create a rift between you and her.

Don't rise to the bait. Tell your dm that you hope she will have a wonderful time and that you'll look forward to hearing all about it and celebrating her 80th with her on her return.

Frankly, I can think of far more suitable destinations to take an 80 year old and if they had wanted to make a grand gesture for her big 0 birthday they would have paid for your dm to have the holiday of her choice with the companion of her choice rather than tag her on what is most probably their desire to visit, or return to, Bali... but don't tell your dm that.

YANBU to be hurt, no. YANBU to be pissed off that your sister has swanned in with the big gesture holiday and has completely overridden the plans you and your DB were already making, that sucks.

But - your mother would be finding it incredibly difficult to deal with this sort of situation and clearly has no intention of offending your sister; whereas she seems to think you and your brother will just suck it up and stay in contact regardless of what she does.

I'm sorry that you're in this position, but I do feel a bit sorry for your mother too.

I remember your other threads and you appear to be still stuck in old dynamics, let it go. If you continue to do the pick me dance with your Mum you will continually risk feeling this way. The truth is, your BIL has exposed and exacerbated a family dynamic which you were in denial about. The new order, is that you are NC with your sister and your Mother isn't, celelbrate her birthday if you want but it isn't a competition.

The sooner you accept the new order, the less painful it will be for you in the end.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. That all rings very true and there are some wise comments. Isetan and SpringDaffs in particular I agree with you both and your comments on family dynamics. This is a battle I can't win and one that's probably not worth engaging in. You're all right that DSis is my DM's daughter also and as a mum of 2DC I can totally understand not wanting to play one off against the other. And she is nearly 80, so again, wanting a quiet life is understandable. It's the BIL who is the problem. If she was just going with DSis I would be very happy for her to have such a treat, but I guess the idea of her lying around the pool sharing cocktails and chitchat with BIL is just hard to swallow in the circumstances.

'My guess is that your dsis & her minor slob zleb planned this 'surprise' with the intention of causing further hurt and are no doubt rubbing their hands with glee that your dm has agreed go in the belief that it will create a rift between you and her. '

agree with this^

I don't think it helps to make suppositions about the motives of others, namely BIL and sister. It's already painful, you don't need more on top; particularly as you can't exactly know what their motivation is. They could just as likely be being thoughtlessly blustering with big gestures, famous and all. Whatevs!

Ime of shit family it is better on the nerves to take a leaf out of our mothers' books: float. Float over it, you know they're full of trouble and will dish it up intermittently, so don't get caught up in it. Once you know your mum is not going to park on any given side you're better off taking the whole boring thing in your stride.

I don't mean ignoring it but not bothering to take the hook. BIL and sis will do their stuff - yawn - but don't let it get to you. I know that's easy to say, esp when ds is being slagged off - but, really, it just isn't worth the aggro. Largely bcs there will be a lot of this in the future, don't give them the satisfaction.

That said, I am NC with my goblin rellies, save my mum - and by extension only, my dad . I flop out an unequivocal boundary now and then, NO DRAMA. There is stands, I'm not budging, they can take it or leave it.

It's the BIL who is the problem.

But its not just the BiL that is the problem your "D"Sis is also allowing this to happen.

You are not in any way unreasonable to feel hurt by this situation. I also think your mum is in a very difficult position. I think it would mean a lot to her if on her birthday you make contact with her and be positive in wishing her well and share some news with her. Don't let any rot set in. Also, without wanting to upset you, she is going to be 80 which is a great age. Don't fall out with her it is not worth it.

I agree with red riding your mum will not be here forever. Rise above, be the bigger woman and be prepared to change the subject quickly when she comes home and stsrts to wax lyrical about bloody bali stupid place to take a 80 year old