Can it turn around?

[Whattobelieve]

I have NC for this. About a year ago I found out my DP was having an affair. We both agreed to go to counselling and to address the underlying issues and after 6 months plus hard work we came out it much stronger. I have recently had reason to believe that in the few weeks following the discovery of the affair whilst there was much tension in the air that my DP continued the affair before it was broken off. I am happy now and don't know whether to broach this now?

You should be able to broach it. One of the key points in making things work is being able to ask any and all questions you have. You have a right to know. These sorts of things will eat away at you if you let them. Whether he replies honestly is a whole other issue but you should feel free to ask questions.

Having said that, after a certain point in time (a rather arbitrary one as each case is unique) if you haven't been able to move on from it and constantly refer to it then it might be time to leave the relationship. If you find yourself getting the rage thinking of him and the OW and bringing it up whenever you're dealing with another issue then it's going to cause you both a great deal of emotional damage.

The relationship you go on to have will never be the same again, as you say you've come out stronger but sometimes when the adrenaline of re-bonding wears off you might find yourself back at square one.

If your DP had shut down the affair at the time it was discovered I think it would have been on your terms. If shut down later (covered by a lie it was already shut down) it would have been shut down on your partners terms. I suspect that the first causes more problems in relationship stability down the track than the second, even though the 99 times out of 100 the first would be the only acceptable option to the wronged partner.

I agree with DadWasHere. There is only a small comfort to be had in knowing the relationship ended because you said it had to end. If it ends because he wanted it to end, your relationship together has a much stronger chance of success.

Really appreciate your thoughts - my gut reaction is not to mention it. It was hard work to rebuild the relationship and TBH I've never been happier but it was hard getting through lots of anger, pain and resentment on both sides. Those first three months were among the hardest of my life but when we learnt to communicate the world slowly changed.

I really don't want to upset the new world because of this but wanted to test this.

I've slept on this and have decided not to mention this. I don't want to distract from the fact that I am now happy.

Sorry but this was obviously bothering u enough to ask on here, this will crop up again. You need to ask and it then can be forgotten allowing you to move forward.

????If shut down later (covered by a lie it was already shut down) it would have been shut down on your partners terms

Or the other woman's terms. What if it was on her terms, and she changes her mind?

I think you need all the facts in order to make the best decision for yourself.

If you're that happy then why are you questioning it? I think if you don't ask it'll always be at the back k of your mind. Do you really want to carry it around for yrs? Ask and then you can both deal with it and move on together.