How do you know when it's over?

[Arrowedheart]

Or is it just normal? I love him but there are so many things I have swept under the carpet that are now coming to the fore. Apart from infidelity or abuse, when do you know?

When your gut is arguing with your heart listen to your gut everytime, that's where your boundaries are and keeps you safe.

We've been together 13 years, it's just been a nagging feeling made worse recently by a combination of things. I just wish I knew. I feel I can't open up to him and looking back 99% of our conversations have been about superficial things. I feel too inhibited to bring up anything more except after a couple of drinks.

It's not possible to advise fully without examples of this 'combination of things', but if you have to reach for a bottle to get the bottle to raise areas of concern to you perhaps you should consider couples counselling.

I agree it sounds like a classic case for counselljng

When he goes away for a week and you feel nothing but sweet relief, and you dread his return.

When you realise life is way too short and you only get one shot and it should be happy fulfilling and it just isn't anymore.
The fact you can't even talk to him about serious things is a big issue.
Totally agree with the others.
See if he is willing to have couples counselling with you.
Do you have kids together?

The lack of communication is massive. Tackle it now or else it will just get worse.

Gut feeling can be right but can change over time. What is your sex life like?

I'm in kind of the same situation. I've not been happy for a long time but only realised it the past few years. Changing things scares me though and I wonder if I'll ever take the step to make myself happy.

Think of 50 more years like that - does your heart swell or sink?

If you need to drink in order to talk about anything meaningful, something is seriously wrong. Do you need to drink to talk seriously to your friends?

When you look at him objectively across the room and feel nothing but disdain.

Or when you look at him eating and feel resentment that that food is keeping him alive.

And when the thought if him touching you makes you physically sick. You lie in bed praying he' ll just go to sleep.

Yes you recoil at his touch. There is no going back from that.

It sounds awful but when exh used to go somewhere for the day that involved a long journey, I used to fantasise about him dying in a car crash. I didn't really want him to die but I thought life would be easier with him gone.

I get that pickedmypoison

Oh PickedMyPoison, I remember when things were bad with my ex.

He was late coming home from work. I was listening to the news on the radio in the kitchen and it said that a car (identical in colour and make) to my husband's had gone over a bridge just a few minutes from where he worked.

I listened to the announcement and stood still, hardly able to breathe. Then I heard his key in the lock and realised all I felt was disappointment.

Glad I'm not the only one to have felt that.

Mind you that was when it was really bad. There were many times leading up to that where I/he could have left but didn't and looking back I wish we had ended things sooner.

I'm in the same situation OP. When is enough? When do I leave? Today, tomorrow, next week - it isn't terrible, nothing gets better but Not Good is definitely here forever. I know he can't change. But what's another day? Should I stay until the DC are older?

Unlike other posters, I don't want DH to die, I just want to go back to being friends with him or even boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't want to rely on him - he is unreliable. I don't want to be 'associated' with him as he lets other people down too. He is a man-child and dishonest with it. I have had ten years of cleaning up after him, of being embarrassed by his disorganisation and lack of personal discipline. But we have great funny chats and smiley banter and say how sweet the DC are.

Going to watch this thread with interest, OP. You have my sympathy.

When ex wad driving and choked on peanuts. He jumped out of the car unable to breathe. And I hope he would really choke.

When you're no longer feel anger, just indifference.

OP I agree with 'whateverlove' said. You get to the point of indifference; prior to that although I felt no love I still wanted to keep things together for the children and for the romantic notion of being together. Things have eroded so badly, I now just look at him with a combination of bitterness and disappointment (which are not good emotions to hold onto!). I have spent 10 years being a mummy to a middle-aged man-child and now I feel optimistic about a future of not having to do so.