I have been away with the fairies!!

[tweets79]

This last year I have been in a job which has made me more aware of issues more of which surround myself!

My H smoke weed on a very regular basis and drinks beer every night. I have 1 child who now has an anxiety disorder, although not diagnosed I can see it myself as a mother. She is currently not wanting too eat in front of people, she is only 8!!

I blame my H. When he is nice, he is nice, but he can be so moody and mood swing aggressive!

Also he hates me doing anything independently, doesn't want me going out as its not safe etc!

Will huff and give me silent treatment for days sometimes over lack of sex or just anything he doesn't agree with.

Im tired and exhausted by it, im still youngish and feel I could have so much more to give, this cant be life forever. Im just so scared to start a fresh and my dc loves him even though she admits to me and my mother being scared of him?

BTW he is never physically aggressive but his tone alone is enough.

How can we help you?

You want a sounding board, encouragement to leave, support that your dc need to be away from him (they do)?

Yes, I suppose, I just need to know, this is not normal behaviour really!

I have buried my head in the sand for so long, I couldn't see what was really wrong until mu mum and friend pointed it out to me, but even then I feel guilty for writing this.

Im terrified my marriage is over but this is not the life I want to life.

Op if you think your daughter is suffering from anxiety it's because she is learning that behaviour. It sounds like she is getting it from he Dad, if he's acting like a paranoid drug smoking idiot she's gonna be a mess when older.

Don't leave him because your too young to go through this, leave because your dd is facing some serious problems from now onwards.

Treating anxiety in kids especially teens is time consuming and hard, I see a lot of these issues a lot, I wish the parents would see them earlier so I don't have too. If you don't act for yourself act for her sake.

This is absolutely not normal behaviour. Not wanting you to leave the house alone? That's awful.

And your poor DD is feeling the effects of it.

I honestly think that you need to leave. If you won't leave for yourself, leave for your daughter's sake.

Do you have any support e.g. your mum who you could stay with?

It's my daughter I have become do concerned about. At first I thought leaving would ness her up but now it's liked stating is messing her further! I'm ashamed to admit this but she is scared of him but just through verbal, he wouldn't hurt her physically but I have let this happen to my baby !!

She is nervous and can not relax like any other child of her age, I has noticed it before but thought it was an age thing but if courses got worse with age. I'm so full of guilt, yet feel guilty for wanting to leave.

It will get worse for her because her immaturity means she is not equipped emotionally nor has the verbal skills to articulate or cope with her feelings.

This leaves at risk of depression OCD and self harm all in the name of trying to cope with her environment.

Somehow you need to put aside your guilt and get her away from this situation. I cannot stress how serious this is for your daughter and her future. You are storing up huge problems for both your future unless you stop procrastinating and take action.

Your dd relies on you to protect her, please don't let her down the services in this country set up to,deal,with her issues when she is older have a long waiting list.

Don't feel guilty for wanting to leave.

Your DD is being hurt by the situation she is living in. Leaving will make her free of that, removing her from the situation will not harm her more than keeping her in it.

I'm sorry to hear about this tough situation. I'm so glad that your job has given you some insight into what's going on.

There is clearly an impact on your DD - she needs to be front of mind.

my dc loves him even though she admits to me and my mother being scared of him

Of course she 'loves him'; she's been conditioned to do so from birth. But she's also terrified of him and your priority must be to get her away from him, seek professional diagnosis/help for the anxiety disorder she's manifesting, and ensure that any contact she has with him takes place under supervision at a contact centre or similar.

Left untreated, your dd could develop anorexia/bullimia and/or a host of other disorders which will blight her life.

I would suggest you give the 'so much more' you claim to have to your dd and put any thoughts of giving to another man until such time as she is well on the way to recovery.

Put your dd first, your needs come second, and the devil can take him.

Guilt isnt keeping you stuck, fear and acknowledging your role in this situation is, guilt is the excuse for staying stuck. You are not responsible for you H being a weed smoking abusive dick but you are an adult and therefore, you are partially responsible for your DD's continued exposure to the weed smoking abusive dick. It's time to face the fear and start taking responsibility for your DD's home environment.

You can do this.

Normally I would be pointing out the needs of your child in a thread like this but you seem very aware of them and other posters have said what is important there. But really even if you dd was perfectly ok, you cannot stay in a relationship like this, your needs are also important.

But the truth is, if she does leave him, it's likely he'll end up with every other weekend, one night in the week, and she'll be leaving her daughter alone to deal with her dad for a significant chunk of time. He's likely to deny the weed smoking and present himself as a paragon of virtue. That's not to say you shouldn't leave, but be prepared for only being able to provide that stablr safe environment for some of the time. If I seem bitter its because my dd1 has similar issues and cafcass were sodding useless when stbx took me to court.

It is very difficult and as it has been mentioned H will want access and I expect overnight access also.

I feel she has a lot of issues for someone so young. She is a worrier and to me always seems anxious about things she shouldn't even worry about.

He new thing is she doesn't like to eat in front of people.

I feel we are both happier when H isn't around, but I know she adores him deeply.

I know it seems difficult but I think you need to really consider the impact on your daughter, and how it's constant.

Perhaps chat to a lawyer if you can? Take some photos of you H smoking/his paraphernalia, keep a diary or at least note incidences of when he is smoking. Record your daughter's behaviour as well. Keep backups of this. If you don't leave, it won't matter, if you do chose to leave and it goes to a court battle, you have evidence.

Sorry op have to dispel the she adores him myth, she's scared of him she gives the impression she adores daddy in the vain hope he will be nice to her.

Kids try and appease their abusers in hope that the user will change and show them the love they crave.

Please stop making weak excuses for staying I see kids every week that were not protected from these sorts of scenarios and its heart breaking.

She won't thank you in the future, she might actually blame you for allowing her life to become so damaged.

What WishIWasWonderwoman says. In addition, a psychological report on your dd might help if he insisted on overnight visits. But actually it won't be long before she would be able to decide for herself whether she wants to spend time with him.

You say she loves, I'm sure she does, but doesn't that make his volatility even more upsetting for her then?

So OP, what is it going to take for you to start protecting your DC?

I will have to ask H to leave and try to repair the mess that has already been created and also repair the hurt my DC will feel for splitting the family up, it is no her fault or mines, he has had a choice and he has chosen it.

I am terrified but I think mainly of the change. Its a shame as he can be a very nice person, mainly under the influence of something, but so moody, sulky and generally nasty in between.