The OW has been to my house-complicated

[Beachday]

I'm so mad
My abusive, lying husband died and I have just found some stuff on his phone.
She was here
I was just getting past all this and now found this out.

you could out the ow on fb by posting selected bits from his phone.

No advice Op, just wanted to offer support. What a shitty thing to have happened & to have hypocrites around you. All the best & wishing you strength.

The ow was a FB friend of his. She started to make comments and post photos. Complete liability, I got the impression she'd get pissed and could post anything. So I deleted her and her bunch of friends.
She came to the funeral too.

She came to the funeral too.

Holy shit! That took some brass tits, that did! I probably would have dumped a vase of flowers on her head.

Or handed her a great, big scarlet A.

Yeah fortunately there were a lot of people there. I saw her outside the church and then once at the venue.
She didn't stay long
There were a couple of them- her friends. His good time girlfriends.

To your "friends" I would probably compose an email along the lines of

Thank you for your support after X's death. I would just like to know when you where planning on telling me about his mistress, that you knew about and saw at his funeral. It tells me a lot about you and your values, do not contact me again.

But I am a) not very good at thinking before I act and b) a bitch because I would CC in all of his friends wives so they know what they are married to.

So
I'm going to download photos of ds from his phone.
Photos that he never ever downloaded because I guess he never wanted to plug the phone into the computer in case of incriminating evidence.
Then I delete everything yes?

Yes. At this point there's no reason to keep it, is there? He's gone and it's only painful reminders that, if I were you, I'd never want to see again. I'd probably smash the phone with a hammer (since I couldn't smash him!), but then I'm one for symbolic gestures.

If you do feel there's a reason to not delete, or if you'd rather have time to think about it, I'd put the phone away somewhere out of reach and out of sight.

you might need what's on that phone, op. Hang on to it for now.

Download the photos and then smash the fucking thing into smithereens.

What a bastard. And what a bunch of two faced bastarding mates.

Hopefully the bastard was cremated and has no lasting memorial. Not much you can do now but start afresh. It's the Jimmy Savile thing again but on a different scale

Was he buried? If so may I suggest the following inscription:

Dickface Twatbadger
Finally found in a hole
he didn't want to fuck

Not sure I'll need any of the stuff on the phone.
At the moment I'm just going back to it when I remember something else he lied about, or check dates about where he was, vs where he said he was.
I feel like if I ditch the phone, I might be able to move on, stop going over the lies and deceit.
But I feel like I might need it, but can't think what for.
I don't need to prove to anyone else what his behaviour was like.
I wouldn't really ever want DS to find it.

I second keeping it for now. Lock it away in a box or small safe. There will come a time when you can throw it away with no lingering doubts, but be cautious until then.

It's complicated though. A 'complex bereavement' it's called.

Re when my supremely vile ex died, I grieved. It's not straightforward. I knew he was a vile bastard. BUT I had loved him once - very much, actually; had children with him. Is not b&w: hate/love. I went through a rose-tinted time, all soft and forgiving . it passed, thankfully!

I'm so sorry you are facing this. Excruciating. No wonder you are raging

I wouldn't do anything drastic for the time-being. You are grieving, even though it's complicated. You're going to need time to work out what you want to do in the long run, how best you want to approach this.

One good thing though: as a grieving widow you have carte blanche to behave as outrageously as you please. I'd use that iiwy.

What would you like to do?

The counsellor will be invaluable to get all this out xxx

I doubt it is top on your list of priorities but I think you need to surround yourself with some new people. Obviously these people, whether they think they are helping you by not mentioning it still, or are simply still siding with him, are not reliable. You will always wonder if they are being honest and what they are holding back. Maybe you could combine a new hobby with meeting new people?
I'd also hold onto the phone. When my mum died I had a lot of mixed emotions - complicated relationship too - and wish I had taken more notice of a few things years later. It really does take a few years to work through all of the layers in these situations. It may make you feel better now not to have access to it, so perhaps put it in a deposit box or something elsewhere so you can't just go over and over it? If you don't need it in a few years you can do whatever you like with it.

I'd keep the phone too. Don't know why, but you never know when, in the future, you might want to be reminded exactly how he was.

How long had the OW been the OW? Was it right up to his death?

I would get rid of the phone- it will just be a reminder of the pain. Perhaps symbolically destroy it in some way. I really hope counselling helps.

The Ow was more of a party girl/fuck buddy.
But he had just been away with her.

I Think on/off for about a year.

I did find conversations with his friend saying she had to go and he was going to do everything he could to get me back

That is why you should keep the phone, you will discover stuff as and when you are able to, don't deny yourself that.