He is unavailable, I have tried moving on it doesn't work...

[Slowprogress]

Warning this is long, but I would really appreciate some advice..

So I have been seeing a guy for around 5 years on and off. He is emotionally unavailable, I would also say I was emotionally unavailable at the start of the relationship but I have been in counselling for so many years now and I have worked hard to become more emotionally aware and accepting of the fact that I have emotions. I can see there has been a massive change in me in the last year.

Like I said we have been on and off for many years, lots of game playing on both sides, but we always come back to each other, we do love each other but we have never really had a proper relationship.

I had felt very rejected by him at times and acted out by sleeping with other men and sometimes even told him about it. We recently had a very honest conversation where I told him I really think he doesn't care sometimes.

He assured me he does but his way of dealing with things is to cut off and avoid. He told me about something massive that happened in his life when he was younger which I never knew about and it now makes it clear to me that because he hasn't dealt with that issue he doesn't deal with any emotional issues or have the tools to be able to deal with emotions atall.

When are together I am happy with him and feel that he loves me and likes being with me. But after that he goes very quiet. Other guys I have dated will normally text me most days and are always keen to see me. This guy is always busy and would be happy to see me once per week and chat on the phone maybe once per week.

I have tried to cut him out of my life, I have tried to just be friends, but these things never work and I do want to be with him. I want to have a real relationship not someone I see once per week and I have to keep all my feelings to myself about.

I am currently reading a book about unavailable men which has a part for the man and the woman involved which I hope will be useful.

But in the meantime this is taking up a lot of my headspace and its making me feel annoyed and upset. I feel like he may never be enough, but I also feel like maybe I should be more honest and outright tell him what I wants as in "I would like it if you called / messaged me more" or "I would like it if you were more present in my life". But bearing in mind I have my own issues and getting all emotional makes me feel insecure I find it hard to do it in a constructive way.

Help...

He's showing you what he can offer you. No emotional connection, just one meeting and one call a week, and he'll talk to you when he feels like it in between.

You want a real relationship. He can't give you one. So your choices are to accept that and move on, or to hang around for a bit longer and then accept it and move on.

He will never be enough, because he wants a casual thing with no emotions and no commitment, and you want a relationship.

This 'relationship' is clearly going nowhere - you have spent five years seeing someone 'off and on' - you both sound as though you enjoy the drama and 'excitement' of not being able to/wanting to commit properly. In fact you both sound rather immature.

My advice - get a hobby life.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but your life is wrapped up in someone who is clearly not at all into you.

What Repeat said. He will never give you want you want/need because he doesn't want/need the same thing.

I'm in a situation pretty similar to this.

I know the 'right' answer, and I've really tried to stop it all on more than one occasion but it doesn't work.

I can't even muster the effort to date :0(

I think he's now met someone else. I'm hoping that after it stops hurting so much I'll finally be able to let go and move on.

It's hard and only time will heal it. But it will.

Shame there aren't patches you can stick on to ease the withdrawals!

Bcs I think there is an addictive dynamic to this. It's not good for you - just like the fags - not oh god, sooooo hard to break the habit.

This relationship is a form of self-harm. He will never give you what you want - a full, loving, trusting, creative relationship. Its not going to happen - he has already made that abundantly clear - yet you hang around, hoping for more. Torture

Do yourself a favour, go cold turkey. You may need to make some big changes to get out of his orbit good and proper but it's worth it, as hard as it is. The progress you are making, and could make, in therapy is being held up by this relationship - it's like dragging a caravan with the break on behind you.

Well done for all the work you've done in therapy. It's not easy and you've done it.

I meant to say, it is extraordinary seductive to have the hope of something you really want dangled in front of you, just out of reach. Always out of reach.

He may be messed up too and you were a good match in that at the time iyswim. But you're getting well now. He can get well if he wants... but he's got to do the work. Which, as you know, is not easy and takes commitment. Which he doesn't do.