What is stopping me getting over my Ex when I really want to? Anyone else feel like this?

[Rockaria]

I wrote a couple of threads about whether to split with my P earlier this year & got some great advice (under a different name).
I took advice, went with what my gut was telling me & finished the relationship in June this year. I went NC & really stuck with it because he had really hurt me & my kids.

1. he was totally lovely for the first year, but had a tendency to go on & on about how his ex wife had screwed him over. There were CONSTANT stories about how she'd fucked up his life, how cruel she was, how she'd played games etc. I tried to support him through this but it was very wearing.
2. in February this year he started going weird. He would round on me, be withdrawn, tired ALL the time, sex drive waned etc.
3. he claimed he was succumbing to depression (again) because of how his ex was (despite us being together for 18 months & me 'looking after'him)
4. final straw was him storming out my house at a couple of home truths I told him (how he was always feeling ill/tired). He also scared me when he went into his moods, I told him this & he shouted in my face & stormed off. I ended it the next day as I could not cope with his constant negativity, & general aggressiveness. Especially around my DC. It's 10 weeks now & I've only seen him once (accidentally), and he was lovely but STILL going on about the ex wife. I am going to counselling as I want to move on, but still think about him, go over EVERYTHING in my head & miss his company & the way he used to be. I won't go back yo him as he is too unstable, but I want him out my head & I want to stop the yearning I have. Any advice???? Thanks in advance.

It's only been two months so be a bit more patient with yourself. Credit where credit is due as you've strictly stuck to NC - that's not easy and many women succumb to the on/off cycle that inevitably ends in another heartbreak. You've shown quite some strength there.

The list you've made in your OP is a good starting point - whenever you feel wistful remember that list.

A great deal of missing someone stems from a feeling of what could have been had it worked perfectly. It's idealising someone so tell yourself that the reality would have been very different because the reality was different. Prolonged periods of angst are not worth one single moment of happiness in relationships.

As cliched as it sounds this really will be a case of time heals and helps to move on. You have decided that you won't go back to him so hold on to that thought to fight off any potential wobbles you may encounter including him calling you and wanting to talk about things or indeed you feeling lonely one evening and thinking giving him a call or sending a quick text won't hurt.

Stick to your guns. Remember that love should not tarnish or cause pain, it should be nurturing and he did not offer you that sort of love. Remember that if things had gone so down hill after just 18 months could you sign up for this sort of thing for the next 18 years?

You've done the right thing for you and your dcs.

You are the only thing stopping yourself from getting over him.

The first you need to do is to stop going over everything in your head. Draw a line, say it's over, he's an arse who is not worth your time, and you're not going to analyse it anymore.

The way he 'used to be' was not the real him, so be tough with yourself and cut the fantasy.

You can have something real with someone else, but only if you cut the ties here.

It's eminently doable.

Be kinder to yourself, it has only been 10 weeks. Feelings don't just go once a relationship ends, it takes time. My sbeh was abusive, he got a new girlfriend very quickly after we split and it took me...6 months I say to be completely over him.

You will get there :)

Thank you all for your kind & supportive comments.

Inthebox: there have been many evenings when I have been SO tempted to call or text. I have always tried to remember the fear I felt the last night we were together & the way he spoke to me before I finished it. In fact I actually get very cross about it all! Thanks for telling me I'm doing well.

Twinkelstein: I know it's me who's stopping myself letting him go. I just don't understand why my heart is hanging on while my head is screaming to let him go!

Rebecca: thanks for sharing. I'm hoping to start 2016 by him NOT being the first thing I think of every day!

Anyone else?! Been on a downer today, for no other reason than i miss him, even tho i know he wasn't good for me. And i KNOW he won't be sitting around thinking about me :(

I'm sitting here in tears this evening but I don't really know why. I still 'miss' my exdh even though it's 2.5 years since we separated (and subsequently divorced). Or rather perhaps I miss how it used to be rather than how it was by the time we divorced (emotionally abusive).

Had a relationship of around 2 years in the meantime - too soon and the bloke was a prick so I don't miss him just angry I wasted 2 years of my life, money and energy on him.

I can't let go and just despairing of being happy again. Hugs to you all out there. x

Hi lostlou. Thanks for sharing. I think I'm like you in that I miss how he/we used to be & what I had hoped we would become. I too wonder if I'll ever trust anyone or physically want a guy again. Nobody could replace him at the mo. My children make me happy, so I'm very lucky to have them. But I just so miss having him to share wine/food/chat with... Hugs to you too ((()))

Give yourself time. It's still very early. Try and make news friends/ see family and keep yourself busy