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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separated from dh, he wants me to consider trying again, I can now see pictures of him on holiday on FB with our female friend!

47 replies

Aquarius1000 · 21/08/2015 06:47

What would you do. I've been separated from dh for 8 months. At the weekend we met up and talked about thinking about trying to get back together. 2 days ago I saw pictures of him on a friends FB page (abroad!) with him. What would you do? I'm tempted to message the woman and tell her we were mid considering what to do about our marriage and this hasn't helped although he's the one who's chosen to go I guess. I'm not sure what's going on between them but if it's anything romantic she's definitely his plan B and he's always wanted us to get back together.

OP posts:

Gooseberrycrumble2 · 21/08/2015 08:03

You haven't been slagging her off, ignore the other poster! It just sounds like he enjoys a child free more monied lifestyle but your skint, with a kid. What's his relationship like with your DS? Is the man paternal?

At the end of the day he is responsible for his behaviour. Your friend isn't. Your friend could be any tom, dick or Harry really. It's him that has to decide whether to commit or not and who to.

Gooseberrycrumble2 · 21/08/2015 08:11

Also I wouldn't say anything to her. If I had to say anything, it would be to him - 'I've just seen friends holiday photos, does that mean you are dating?'. He may have just had a bit of a crush on her but has got it out of her system. Alternatively, they are on holiday as friends, which is perfectly acceptable. He might have felt that he couldn't tell you he was holidaying with someone of the opposite sex.

stepsharp · 21/08/2015 08:16

He's on holiday with another woman, game over. Move on.

chaiselounger · 21/08/2015 08:24

You sound like your head is very mixed up.
Unfollow this woman on Facebook. Stop focusing on her. Focus on him and you, actually forget him, focus on you.

AlisonWunderland · 21/08/2015 08:32

You are /were married to him, you weren't married to her.
He's the one you should be messaging.

MairzyDoats · 21/08/2015 08:41

Odd that he didn't mention the holiday to you when he saw you this weekend. That doesn't seem like the actions of a man keen to reconcile.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/08/2015 08:45

Why on earth would you message her? She's not the one you were in a relationship with, who was talking about getting back together?

He could be saying exactly the same things to her about you, you're the one on the back burner?

Summerlovinf · 21/08/2015 08:55

I think it's quite likely that your ex is seeing the friend and is looking for a bit of 'plan b' with you.

EachandEveryone · 21/08/2015 08:55

I'd block her anyway.

13months · 21/08/2015 09:36

Have you thought about getting back with him over the passed 8 months -- what would be the conditions for each of you to make it better if you tried again?

Did he finish the relationship or did you?

He may have had many relationships, dates and ONS in the past 8 months. Would this be relevant to you? Maybe he has and then decided that the grass is not greener so wants you back - is that acceptable to you???

silverglitterpisser · 21/08/2015 09:48

Obviously ex is a free agent at this point but whatever happened to the unwritten rule about not getting involved with exes' friends n friend's exes? He has a big question to answer but I think she does too, I would never date a friend's ex without naming sure she was ok with it! All very odd .

mylovelylife · 21/08/2015 09:56

Definitely do that blame the friend or direct any anger towards her.Your h has obviously been very nice/charming to her and they seem to have had a good holiday. Gain some insight from this...He seems to be able to make women feel as if they are the chosen one.His actions speak louder than words.Even if he "used" her to go on holiday what does that say about him?

A persons character is everything in a long term relationship.Is he fundamentally an honest man who doesn't manipulate others? No doubt he has charm & personality if 2 women are competing for for him but is he really long term relationship material?

mylovelylife · 21/08/2015 09:57

*Do not blame

Moln · 21/08/2015 10:00

He's said a lot hasn't he?

Though she also could know she's not his 'plan b' because of all the negative things he's said about you during their friendship/relationship.

You've really done the classic thing of focusing on her and it being all down to her haven't you. Stop that, take a step back and look at it for what it is: he told you he wants to get back with you but was away on holiday with someone else and didn't mention it.

Actions speak louder than words, you just have to not ignore the actions because they are telling you something you don't want to hear.

TheStoic · 21/08/2015 10:00

Always believe actions over words.

What is he actually doing to show he still loves you and is not interested in anyone else?

InTheBox · 21/08/2015 10:06

I think many boundaries have been crossed here tbh. Your marriage will never quite be what it was and should it start to go down hill again you will resent why you didn't walk sooner and indeed why you didn't maintain your resolve to keep separated.

His words and actions are at odds and you sound conflicted. It's never easy walking away from someone you thought you'd spend your life with but in this instance you have to keep walking in the direction of forward, not backwards.

summerwinterton · 21/08/2015 11:42

block her and him too

she posted those pics knowing you would see them. She must be feeling v insecure about her new budding romance

he is not even worthy of a fuck off - leave them to it. You are worth much more than him.

LovelyFriend · 21/08/2015 12:34

He has always wanted me and told me at the weekend.
Do you believe everything "he said" though?
Do you trust him?

QuiteLikely5 · 21/08/2015 12:37

If it didn't work then it won't work now. You've still got your ds.

Do t you think it's a bit odd how you broke up due to lifestyle differences yet he has been spending time with a woman who's lifestyle he enjoys

Of course he didn't tell you they've been away!

goddessofsmallthings · 21/08/2015 13:16

Regardless of the fact that this particular woman is with him (in a group?), I find it significant that he didn't tell you he was going on holiday when you met up with him last weekend.

What would he have done if you'd said 'come back tonight, all is forgiven' or words to that effect when you met to discuss the possibility of reconciling?

0dfod · 21/08/2015 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BobbyV · 21/08/2015 20:01

You need to communicate with him. I think it's ok for you to feel 'sniped' that he's been on holiday with another woman to be honest. He obviously has an emotional attachment to her (if not already sexual) which is a direct threat to you rebuilding your relationship with him.
It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. He won't cut ties with you or her. If you really want to get back together then there has to be some clarity of their relationship. You wouldn't be happy if he continued to spend time with her if you did rekindle your relationship so he needs to know that and if he can't forsake her for you then there's no relationship to rekindle.

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