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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Insecurities over pictures

50 replies

Mrjoeblack86 · 20/08/2015 02:10

I really need some advice,

I'm not too sure if this is the best site to ask, but all the post I've read are really supportive and logical. And I know this is in a relationship forum but, quite specific. I have an issue with my partner and I'd really appreciate someone else's two cents and I've thought about it that much that it's become an issue.

My partner (who is lovely) has had some self esteem issues since we first became a couple (From pre existing circumstances). And sex in our initial stage of our relationship hasn't been the passionate, hands all over each other experience that you typically have. Anyway we have talked and found closure about the issue and I agreed to be understanding. But some things don't seem to add up. I asked her for some flirtatious pictures, nothing too vulgar to which she stated that she didn't do that kind of thing, only for me to discover pictures on her desktop of her naked and smiling with a man she'd only be dating a couple of months. I can't help but feel a bit concerned, I know she has self esteem issues but this wasn't that long ago that the pictures were taken, and she seemed perfectly happy in the pictures. What am I to think?

OP posts:
whattodohatethis · 20/08/2015 12:42

I don't think it is weird to ask in general.
But I think it is weird to ask someone who clearly has issues and would obviously feel uncomfortable

differentnameforthis · 20/08/2015 13:22

She didn't lie though. She said she didn't do it, not that she never did it!

I was invited out for drinks recently and the people I was with had quite a lot to drink, I didn't. They asked if I wanted anything 'stronger' to which I said "I don't drink"

If they then found out that in the past I used to down shots/drink half a bottle of tequila/JD on a night out, or in with friends, could they then question me about that?

No, it's in the past. I have no obligation to get rat arsed now just because I used to.

differentnameforthis · 20/08/2015 13:24

Saying you are a virgin when you are not is different to saying that you don't want to pose naked when you have previously.

Past consent/participation does not equal consent/participation in every situation.

Summerlovinf · 20/08/2015 13:37

I think you would be better off leaving the relationship. The two of you don't sound very well suited or compatible.

Twinklestein · 20/08/2015 13:45

I think he would be better off not asking for soft porn pics from any woman full stop.

When pics end up online men get all self-righteous and say women shouldn't agree to them in the first place. In fact, they should stop asking.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 20/08/2015 13:48

differentnameforthis that's her OH we are talking about not just people she went for drinks with
And yes if my oh told me he doesn't drink and next day I caught him having tequila with mates I'd be pissed off

TheStoic · 20/08/2015 13:56

The photos were in the past.

She's not saying 'I don't do that' and the next day posing for naked pics with someone else.

Confused
WallyBantersJunkBox · 20/08/2015 21:44

Perhaps she got completely burned the last time she took intimate pictures and has learned the hard way.

Stop snooping through her files.

Smilingforth · 20/08/2015 22:50

It's a difficult one - I'd be tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/08/2015 00:07

"It's a difficult one - I'd be tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt."

About what?

Eekaman · 21/08/2015 01:03

If she had been completely burned the last time, why does she still have them on her PC?

I'm obviously lucky in that my lovely wife loves to send risque pictures, sometimes she even sends them to me...

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 21/08/2015 01:14

Er, nobody should be pressurised into this sort of thing, in or out of a relationship. If she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't. You have to respect that.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/08/2015 07:23

Eekaman, you're sharing details about your wife again.

Just because they are still on her computer doesn't mean she's happy about them; equally as has been said upthread, she may have taken them and kept them under her own control.

Neither matters; she doesn't want to send some to OP and that's her absolute right.

TheStoic · 21/08/2015 10:05

OP you could always try saying 'But you took photos for him, why won't you do it for meeeeeee??? Yes but whyyyyyyy?'

I guarantee she will find that super attractive.

YesIleftthebastard · 21/08/2015 10:15

You want her to send you pictures??????? Then you go and snoop on her phone????
The issue here is you being a class A selfish prick

YonicScrewdriver · 21/08/2015 10:17

Mm hmm. Who is the kind of guy I wouldn't share pictures with? One who doesn't like an answer I give him about my own body, goes snooping through my private things and uses what he finds against me, amiright?

Fauchelevent · 21/08/2015 10:17

You probably should be more concerned about your reaction over this than the fact she's taken pictures in the past but won't with you.

Mrjoeblack86 · 21/08/2015 11:47

I never said I snooped through her pics,

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 21/08/2015 11:53

AnotherTimeMaybe The premise is the same, just because she used to do xyz, it doesn't mean that she has to do it now.

And if you read mine (and the ops) posts, this isn't talking about a day after the first event, but years...regardless of which, if I decided that I didn't want to do something today that I did last night, doesn't make me fucking wrong and doing something last night doesn't oblige me to do it again today!

You could swap pictures for sex, really couldn't you? Does op have the right to have sex with her against her will today, just because she consented to it last night? for example

differentnameforthis · 21/08/2015 11:54

It's not difficult. It's about what she is prepared to do NOW, today..not what she did several years ago!

Offred · 21/08/2015 11:55

If you value your partner, you accept what they are comfortable doing sexually the first time they tell you.

Absolutely this.

You didn't find out about this past issue through her telling you about it. You found it because you snooped through her desktop files. You don't have any right to question her about her current choices in her relationship with you because she is perfectly entitled to not provide you with porn images for any reason she wants no matter what she has done in the past with other people and she's perfectly entitled to keep her reasons private - a privacy you have invaded.

This is not a problem with her, it's a problem with you - feeling entitled to push her sexual boundaries and claim there is something wrong with her if she won't accept it.

differentnameforthis · 21/08/2015 11:56

Mm hmm. Who is the kind of guy I wouldn't share pictures with? One who doesn't like an answer I give him about my own body, goes snooping through my private things and uses what he finds against me, amiright?
You are right...

YonicScrewdriver · 21/08/2015 11:57

"only for me to discover pictures on her desktop of her naked and smiling with a man she'd only be dating a couple of months"

Did you mean you discovered printed pictures on her actual wooden desk, then?

QuiteIrregular · 21/08/2015 12:59

OP, your title suggests there are 'insecurities' about pictures - whose are we talking about? If you mean yours I think the best thing is to talk to your partner about them, though she may want to know what on earth you were doing finding those pictures. If you want to have that chat, I think it's important that you phrase it like that - that you're a bit insecure and you'd like some patience/ understanding/ reassurance.

If you mean her insecurities, then you might want to have a think about why you asked an intimate partner whom you believed was insecure about her body image to send you risqué pictures of herself. That isn't something most people do in their sex lives, and whilst there's absolutely nothing wrong with it per se, you shouldn't be assuming she'll do it or provide you with a reason. Again, did you phrase this as 'this is a bit of a thing I've got, and I'd love it if you sent me...', or did you imply that she needed to explain why she didn't want to?

I'm not trying to deduce anything about your girlfriend from afar, but you do see that someone who feels anxious about their body image and sexual confidence may not be delighted at the idea of sending intimate photos to a partner? There doesn't need to be a trauma and a ghastly story behind all this (tho there could be) for her not to want to do it.

These photos you've found (in a way which may not increase her tendency to trust you with intimate images) have nothing to do with your relationship, I'm afraid. Nothing at all. You don't have a right to an explanation. Maybe she tried it and didn't like it, maybe he was keen on it and she thought it was worth the attempt, maybe it was an attempt to make herself feel more secure. (Maybe he was even the kind of guy who thinks that women who are unsure about their body images just need to be shown they can compete with the porn he watches via a naked photo shoot - that's a kind of guy I'm certain you don't want to find yourself being.)

There's an attitude to sex that men often find themselves slipping into: that sex is a valuable thing which women have and give to men. It's an old an destructive way to think about sex, but it persists throughout our society. Women as sex gatekeeper, or sexual commodity. If she gave it to him, why doesn't she give the same to me, goes the thought pattern. That's not fair, etc. There's just a hint of that in your post - the idea that you have a right to the sexual activities she indulges in, and that anything she's done in the past must be on the menu with you, or you need a reason. That's a bad road to go down, so avoid it. Women aren't sexual service providers, and they don't need any reason to do one thing with one guy but not with another.

I'm glad you've found the board a useful place to pick up good advice about relationships - I suspect your understandable (but not really justifiable) hurt feelings In this situation might be clouding your judgement, so do listen to the advice you're getting. Not necessarily from me, but from others round here!

lavenderhoney · 21/08/2015 22:04

She doesn't have to send you pics. You have no evidence she has before anyway- she didn't send any - it's pics of her with another man whom she was in a relationship with she has saved to her desktop. Nothing to do with you or your desire to have her send you pics of her naked or whatever.

Being understanding isn't snooping about on her desktop and asking someone who has told you she has self esteem issues to send you pics. She would feel very vunerable I expect.

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