'Involvement' with a narcissist/sociopath

[Deadsouls]

Hi,
Anyone with similar experience. I'm still grappling with the aftermath of having unwittingly become involved with what a now know is a narcissist. Having never come across one of these characters before, I didn't know what I was in for. Without going into the whole story, the involvement was a murky ambiguous friendship that used to be sexual. I now realise the whole time I was being psychologically abused and undermined by all of the tactics that those familiar with narcissistic abuse will know.
I have been mostly no contact for most of this year but am still trying to get back a large amount of money he owes me.
The point is, my life feels as though it has been decimated. I'm like, will I get over this. I've never in my life been bullied in this way, and it's still going on (financial anise). Sometimes I just feel I'm not going to recover (of course I know I will), but the experience has been so horrific and he has been so terribly nasty that I just still at times feel shocked, stunned, hurt and traumatised. Anyone who has experience, please tell me we recover

Narcopaths in my view are the unhuman, they can wear a mask (or several) but never really function as an emotional feeling human.

Spot on. My husband is a sociopath for sure but I suspect if he ever sat in a psychiatrists office he would tick enough boxes to make psychopath a very possible diagnosis.

I wish I could say that it was just me who was severely affected by life with him but its not and 30 months after our separation he is still causing upset under the guise of doing the right thing. He is a manipulator of the highest order and we really only will no peace when he's been dead a few months and we learn all there is to know about is secret lives and the secret families and children he has scattered everywhere.

It may seem awful to mention his death but that is only when we will know peace.

As a family we do live a happy life in amongst the rubble of a marriage of almost 40 years but whilst this man is alive we are always going to be affected by his latest antics. We're like those toys on the bottom of a budgies cage - we get knocked down then bounce back but we sincerely wish the getting knocked down a bit, or quite a bit, would stop.

Mabroon101, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds awful. I don't know why they can't just fuck off. What is this crazy vengeance thing they have? Why do they continue the abuse? To what end? These are all rhetorical questions, but these are the questions that I wonder at. I can't get my head around willfully and deliberately hurting another human being over and over again.

Mabroon101, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Hi there, I name changed because of the hacking carry on.

Its not so much that we see my husband and he's deliberately vengeful, its just that things he has done, bigamy and other children the same age as our youngest grandchildren mean that the past never goes away. Just recently he turned up in our home town with a surprise 2 and a half year old son to meet our children. We knew about his 5 year old to the woman he had secretly married but not the wee one. In fact he has a thing about 2 and a half cos the eldest was that age when we found out about him as well. Last week my children ran him out of town and refused to meet their sibling. It was the final straw for them especially as around the time of the wee ones birth he had been actively trying to get me to take him back. The man is quite mad and in turn he has made every one of us doubt our sanity and this latest malarky was too much.

Up to now I have encouraged our children to keep him in their life but after this I couldn't care less if they never see him again. What he did to them was beyond the pale, they are still trying to get over the actual physical shock of it, and he now deserves all he gets.

He's 63 and life has finally caught up with him - not that he'll know that because he just doesn't think like a normal person.

I think its because they can't get their heads round the fact that someone would choose to walk away from them, and carry it through. This isn't the script they had in mind for you. It's against the rules!

They can't resist the challenge of getting you back under their control, whatever it takes and no matter what the cost to everyone concerned.

Think of a game of Monopoly, where they start off with twice as much money as you, and will do anything to win. They will draw the game out forever with loans and 'letting you off' rent to keep you playing long after the fun has gone out of the game for anybody else.

And just to add the wee one was totally unaware of what was going on the day my husband was read his fortune by the children.

For a few years he's orchestrated all their meeting and would only speak to them on the phone and hang up if they conversation wasnt what he wanted to hear. Or he'd meet them in a restaurant for a meal safe in the knowledge nothing could be said.

Well last week he pulled a blinder. I still cant believe what he did but its obvious he is now not liking living in a neighbouring country and he is probably making plans to come home. Well, its like my children have said - over our dead bodies. This is our country, its the country you brought our mother to as an 18 year old and you are sure as hell not bringing another woman here. His eldest is autistic, very HF, and he said to our children no he's not, he's very smart. He could count to 100 when he was 18 months old - he just has some strange behaviours. He is undiagnosed but my children recognised it as soon as they saw him and they should know because my son is severely autistic and we've lived with it for 25 years. On top of that one of my daughters is special ed teacher.

Anyway my children are going to let the dust settle and tell him they will never take responsibility for the children and its best if from now he arranges for them to to to their mothers home country if anything happens to him. Its as they said - we have our brother to think about, and our mum. They said they have enough on their plate. Money will never be a problem for them as he is loaded and they will always be looked after financially.

Im told he sat there and said - what went wrong? I thought I was doing the right thing, bringing them here. And my children just said - no, it was never going to be right, you mistook our enforced silence for us going along with it all and last but not least - you have totally disrespected our mother by staying with a woman who phoned her and called her a bitch.

He then had the nerve to ask - cant we forget that!!!!!

As Ive said Im not happy the children have disowned him but enough was enough.

Jesus, Sansoora.

Its ok Imbroglio, we're against the ropes emotionally right now but we're getting better by the day and as daft as it may sound the antics of last week really will help us move on - god I hate that phrase.

We always knew there was more to find out and we kind of dreaded him dying and it all coming out then. Can you imagine being at home one day and someone turning up like out of a movie and saying - I think we were married to the same man! We were savvy enough about these personality disorders to kind of be one step ahead of him in that we knew there was more to come out so it kind of cushioned the blow but things were said, and explanations given last week that have floored my kids.

Its why we will never get over his antics in that it can all be put behind us. There is just to much too it but we are well enough and settled enough to live a happy life, and we've all had good counselling so in many respects we're one step ahead of him all the time in that we now know him better than he knows himself.

Thank you Odfod

It sounds as if you are going through hell on earth and I wish nothing but the best for you and yours.

xxxxx

Deadsouls I haven't read through every post (I have a busy toddler keeping me from Mumsnetting and rightly so. Ha ha!).
I FEEL your experience. I am 43 now, married, 3 kids and I swear I still have my 'pinch me' moments when I think how lucky I am to have ended up with a really 'normal' husband... someone I can actually read and get! At least when we argue even, it all makes some sort of sense.
At the age of 27, I became involved with a narcissist/sociopath. It was one of these physical relationships that slipped into a proper relationship. Red flags were there which was why I didn't really want it to develop into anything serious. But it did, sadly. The thing that I found so messy was his inability to feel, to care, and his capacity for being such a d*ck to me, YET he could charm the fecking birds off the trees and then some. He was not an oil painting to say the least, yet women were totally taken in by him. Not to sound vain but I had, before him and after, much lovelier men in my life, men worth lining up for, and yet this nutter was the one I had to watch. I seriously couldn't believe how women would throw themselves at him. He had the whole, "I'm a bit of a geezer, lovely, nice guy" schtick going on. "I'm nice. I'll look after ya. I'm not a looker, but I'll spoil you." I left that relationship trampled. EVERYTHING was turned around onto me. Everything was my fault. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. All I know is that I felt so horrible, so guilty for things I never said, never did. He would always go into a pathetic, can't live without you mode to win me back when he felt me slipping away from his grasp. He was so mean behind closed doors, so very cold, and as twisted as the relationship was, it was also incredibly boring because it just revolved around dysfunction and misery. There was no future, no fun. We didn't go out and enjoy each other's company. We would go out and he would sit there, eyes narrow, darting around the room, disengaged... unless we were in a group. Then he was 'funny guy Dean. Mr. Joke a minute'. Everything would always end in tears and misery. He was so 'nice and charming' but at the same time, he resented everyone and everything. He hated people. He stalked me for months after we broke up.

Before we broke up though, he did the weirdest thing. He had to work in Los Angeles, where I am originally from. He made it a point of looking up my family members whom he had never met (apart from one of my brothers who came to visit me in London). He ended up having Easter dinner with my entire family and charming the pants off of them. In confidence he told my other brother (who had not met him prior to the America trip) that I was violent and beating him!! My brother stopped speaking to me for a few weeks when he learned I was this 'horrible, violent woman'. I was so upset... to this day this has marked me. My brother and I recovered quickly. But I couldn't believe that a guy he didn't know could win him over, make him believe every word he said and that I, his sister, someone he has known and trusted his whole life could, in an instant, could become persona non grata on account of blatant lies told by, in effect, a stranger. It was a real nadir for me. The whole relationship remains a dark blob on my personal timeline. This boyfriend was a poison dwarf. When I asked my brother why on earth he believed this joker over me, his own sister who never ever displayed a violent streak, my brother simply said, "Because I couldn't believe someone would lie like that. Why would a person lie and make up such horrible stories about someone?" We were raised to be too nice, which is why I think I attracted this a**hole in the first place. My family and I still talk about this boyfriend. He scarred all of us. His stalking was awful for me, for my family, my friends even refer to it to this day. Just awful. The vengeance...

Get therapy. It is worth it. These guys get inside your mind like a worm that breeds. They are head f*cks to the maximum.

@horsewalksintoabar thank you for sharing your experience. I don't have time to respond right now. But will do later.

Horsewalker you described 'them' so well in your post.

My new found brother is still incredulous about the fact that the first time he met my husband he sat with all the family and said how much he loved me, what kind of woman I was, how wonderful I was, and how he would never hurt me - and how whilst he was saying this there was a woman weeks away from giving birth to his child. The woman that even a month ago he said didnt exist as a wife and that his one child was illegitimate - my god when he was saying that he even had another child and yes he was married to the woman.

Foreign business associates would come into out house for meetings and I would be amazed at what they knew about me and they would all say my husband never stopped talking about me and I would stand there like this . So you can imagine when I said enough was enough how shocked people were. Just like my brother they couldnt quite get their head around it all - and who can blame them eh???

Okay, I haven't read and don't have time to respond right now properly to others, apologies.
I'm struggling a bit today under the weight of legal threats by the narcopath. As I've said, everything he is contacted about money he owes me, he responds with threats, blackmail etc. It's difficult at times living with this in the back of my mind. It's like being squashed.

I believe this all comes back to the fact that I walked away from the 'friendship', (quite unlike any friendship I've ever known before), and said (diplomatically), that it best if I keep my distance. Because the ending wasn't on his terms, he's gone crazy! He can't bear it. Now I am public enemy number 1 and on his hit list.

How can I get this to stop? Is there any legal way to make him stop making threats against me. The only thing is that the threats and blackmail aren't unsolicited. He only spews his poison in response to when he contacted about the money he owes me. But he holds the threat over me, sorry if I'm repeating myself; he says, if I pursue the money through small claims, he will sue me for a greater amount for harassment. (I've checked this out legally and he has no claim).
Then in July, he told me he is suing me, and where should he send the papers. Nothing happens. But I'm terrified fora good 2 weeks waiting....
Then in August, when contacted about the money, he makes the same threat, if I do this, he'll do that. But I thought he was suing me, he said he was doing it! Just sue me already!

WHAT IS THIS CRAZINESS? is this typical narcopath crazy making to make me feel completely mad.

And what to do about the ongoing legal threats he keeps holding over me but never actually follows though. I really feel a bit mad today.

This sounds utterly awful for you.

I'm sorry I don't know your circumstances well enough to make a judgement, and in your shoes I would hate to let the bastard get this one over on me, but is it worth thinking about whether it is going to cost you more (emotionally and financially) in the long run to pursue the claim?

Potential costs to you - stress impacting on your health and wellbeing, legal fees, loss of earnings if you have to take time off work or lose a promotion through stress, wasted annual leave if you use up your holiday, counselling, and there is all that comfort food and wine (if you are like me ).

AND... if he is as combative as you suggest it probably won't stop at the small claims court - you could find yourself winning the battle but the war will rage on.

In the meantime DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

I am documenting and also have calls logged with the police, (non-emergency), they're very supportive. Apparently you don't sue for harassment, you call the police at the time it's happening, and the police deal with it and come to your house and everything. The policeman said that he would be laughed at.

Yes I'm coming to terms with letting it go......I really really want him gone for good. For a barrister', he's not very clever I have to say all his threats are in writing!

I think with narcopaths you have to let them have the last word and walk away.

He only makes the threats when the money is mentioned. This is important. The threats are all about him avoiding going to court and being made to pay the money...full stop. He wouldn't make the threats if he thought the case was likely to go in his favour...he wouldn't needs to. He wants to keep this out of court because he knows he will lose. He should know.

Summerlovinf

Morning, well this is what struck me, everything you have said.

Not once have myself or my step father mentioned legal ramifications or small claims court. We have only asked politely for a suggested repayment plan. I don't make threats. HE is the one who constantly brings up, 'if you pursue this, I will sue you for an even greater amount than I owe'.

This man is terrified that I will go to small claims court. Why? I ask myself, why does he keep bringing this up.
One possible answer is that he has been pursued through the small claims before (I don't understand the process completely, but it never got to actual court, but the stage before), but he owed money to a surveyor whom had done some work for him. She pursued him, he made vile threats by email, he lost twice, they sent baliffs round and finally he coughed up. Of course, he concealed all of this when I lent him the money!

Anyway, my point is, I wonder if its on record that he's being filed against before and that this is what he's scared of. Presumably this does not look good for a barrister.

Re: harassment, I've been told that if he was serious about 'harassment', I would've received a visit from the police by this point, plus if you really thought someone was harassing you, and you wanted them out of your life, I'd just pay them the money I owed. This makes sense, surely this is logical.

BUT, though I'm being bullied and harassed by this man, I feel that it's been so abusive and so awful for so long, that do I really want to extend my contact with him (if only through paperwork and such). I really am in a dilemma.
He has NOTHING on me, and the police have reassured me not this. They said unless I was parked outside his house 24 hrs a day making threats or texting/calling he has nothing!

Go the court route. He will settle out of court eventually like he did before. Get your money. Don't offer any other options for payment plans now. You've tried that and it's not going work. He is relying on you giving up. Hold your nerve and go for it. Stop all other communication and you won't possibly be harassing him. All communication now via solicitors/court.

@Summerlovinf thank you for your support.

There is something about standing up to a bully and my own sense of self worth too.

Will keep posting on here what's happening. I feel older and wiser for this experience, I suppose I've never come across this kind of behaviour before. Maybe I feel sad, I don't know. That people exist like this.

Still, I try to take what I can from this experience and remember my priorities. Which is first and foremost to look after myself; my health nd well being, so that I can look after my two kids the best I can. They are the most precious beings in my life.

One day, hopefully soon, this will all be over and I can start to move on and recover.

Deadsouls you have to do what's right for you.

'Face' is very probably very important to him so if you can find a solution that saves face for him then that might be best - although some idiots will do literally anything rather than give in.

I think you'll be even stronger and wiser by the time this is over.