What would you make of this

[whatisforteamum]

Today i spoke to my Dad who has been v ill with terminal cancer and just had 2 ok weeks.Today he is really ill again and decided to lay into me about our dd deciding not to go to college after a yr doing little tbh.DF then went on about charging her rent and having a go at her(ive just worked 3 12 hr days and dh has worked opposite shifts so not so much on at her and he never has really disciplined the dcs.
Then Df launched into maybe i should move out of our mortgage free home and rent somewhere leaving dd and dh to it.
I realise my brother is having a great family holiday he has a great life and 2 homes with meals out etc.
I am currently juggling long hrs plus a new job try out this week.Dh is having physio for a slipped disc and getting sorted out for his hearing and working fulltime.
I am not sure what to make of my dfs opinion as i ve always taken it with a pinch of salt and focused on what i have not what i dont have.
I admit my home life and marriage isnt easy but dh and i enjoyed our few days out for our hols,now part of me doesnt want to pop round and see someone who i love dearly telling me how shit my life is when im doing my best...help i know some of you will say let a dying man have his say ( i dont buy the best steaks or go on fantastic hols or have the latest technology) i just feel so stressed by everything.

Your DF doesn't have a 'right' to a say in how you live your life whether he's dying or not. Take what you want from his advice. You'll need to make decisions for yourself soon anyway. Perhaps he's trying to sort out 'his' affairs but your affairs aren't his. Take care and be kind to yourself. You've got a lot on your plate x

Very sad. Df will be going through a lot as well at the moment and, although what he says is wrong and hurtful, you might want to cut him some slack.

thanks for the replies.I do feel sad that someone i love dearly has decided to tell me everything i am doing is wrong .i live in a clean paid for house.supported dh through his heart attack and subsequent mood swings while my works were transferred to my long shifts and bullying boss (hence job try out this week as Acas have said my 19 hr contract still gives my boss the right to double my hrs !! Our DD has been the source of rows as we are at a loss what to do with her regarding getting a job.However i fail to see how dh and i can do more with our work patterns and lowish income.It upsets me all i do for my parents regarding offers of help and prepping food for relatives that have popped to see Dad.My dh worked 60 plus hrs a week before his health failed so cut back to 40,Weve been together 29 yrs so my df slating it seems cruel tbf.:(

Hi there whatisfortea, I have been through this myself with my own dad & I have also worked, in the past, with terminally ill people. In my experience it's very common for people who are in their last months/days to be very out spoken and say things they would not normally say and perhaps don't mean. My dad said some terrible things to me. I tried not to take it personally but it hurt. A combination of chemical imbalances in the body due to the tumour, drugs, fatigue, feeling crap can make people less tactful, tolerant and acidic and change their behaviour.

I also get where you're coming from with DD. I have also had similar. Things will sort themselves out when she's ready. It really isn't your fault. You and your DH are working hard and setting a good example. You're doing a great job holding everything together

Could you perhaps say something non-committal to your dad such as "You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks for being honest." and then just change the subject if he tries to bring it up again?

Does he know how unhappy you've been at home? I wonder if he is actually worried about your life after he is no longer here and it's making it come out much more harshly than he meant it?

I agree - I sense he is worried. Try and tease it out.

And to you

to both you and your Dad.
I too have been there, they are difficult and testing times.
My Dad was similar during his last few weeks. I know it can be very hurtful, I also believe it was the combination of drugs, disease progression and mh, although he had always been fine mentally throughout his life.
Hang on in there.

Newlife4me well put- it's shows we need patience at this time as nobody is thinking straight.

Honestly, try to move past it.

I nursed my own dad through terminal lung cancer, I had two young kids at the time and was at uni. I'm also an only child.

Id had a long day of study, sorted out the kids and gone to pick up mum to take her food shopping and he blew up at me. It was half six, what time did i call this, why didn't leave uni and fetch her earlier etc. He was bloody horrible to me and I walked out. It was as though someone had flicked a switch on my dear old dad.
The following day was like it never happened and it was never mentioned again.

Its a hard time, so many drugs, so many worries. Don't dwell on it.
Take care of yourself.

AHH thank you all :) The last few yrs with mum and Dad being incurable have been v tough,Operations chemo for both twice constant infections for dear dad.I am not the crying type but some eves i had cried at the sadness of it all.Mum will nurse df at home when the time comes we will get a hospitalbed.He has sorted out his funeral and has end of life meds.Mum knows she will have to face her cancer battle alone :( My dh is trying his best with his slipped disc and him having a heart attack was a huge strain. I guess since Dad went terminal in march we ve all been going through different emotions and he does want a better (easier life for me).I cant blurt out moving away or changing jobs wont be easy if he dies though i am going for a job trial .I hate cancer and its repercussions.

Hi whatisfortea, so sorry you're going through this tough time. It's a terrible disease that like you say causes a myriad of emotions and complexities in people's lives. It's sailing in unchartered territory with no map, it makes you feel lost and fragile. You must take comfort that your DF is going to be nursed at home , that's what I'd want too. He's very lucky to have a caring daughter like you and I'm sure he realises that. As I think I mentioned in my last post my DF said some terrible things to me in his last few days. I think the very last thing he said was " you've always been a disappointment " That was painful but I put it down to the drugs etc & him feeling like crap and I knew he loved me. Thinking of you.

thanks mycat (mycat actually looks just like the dreamies one ha ha) and i am so sorry your dad said that to you.
Yes it is a bit out of character for mine as only the other week he was thanking me for making food and cups of tea for his brother and then sis when they popped over.I didnt need thanking it is the least i can do for him/them.I offer most days to get bread and milk etc but they are fiecely independant and dont want to be a nuisance.Onwards and upwards the hospice nurses think this is just an unknown infection he can get through.I would do anything to help him and he must know that :)

Thanks whatisfortea my DF died 8 years ago so time does heal in some regards. I'm able to think of the positive, good things about his life and our relationship ( he was an awkward old bugger but I loved him dearly) rather than the bad things which wasn't easy in the beginning of the bereavement process. Glad you've got your brother and sister too, I don't know what I'd have done without mine. Sometimes he would be so difficult my sister and I just had to see the funny side ( not in front of him of him of course ) and we'd end up hysterical....it was either that or crying. If ever you want to talk I'm here

Love to your dreamy cat too

He's right about your daughter, but I'd chalk everything else up to the stress of illness.

Between the lines it sounds like he's worried that you're under strain, even if it came out wrong.

I just feel it is a personal attack on me eventhough myself and dh have worked over 84 hrs a week between us so we arent lazy at all and have a clean house and weve hardly ever had time off sick (only for dhs heart recovery).

Put it behind you if you can., I know though it's very hard.