want to get some things off my chest

[wearywoman]

i have been with my dh for 15 years. married for 10. he's a good man, a fab dad and i love him dearly.
but we are going through what i supposed is a bad patch.
he is so grumpy all the time and bites my head off over the silliest thing. i keep saying to him " stop being so agrresive2 " don't speak to me in that tone etc" . he doesn't swear at me or anything just snappy all the time.
a lot of the time i have to repeat myself three or 4 times when i speak because he just ignores me like he hasn't heard, and then he snaps at me for nagging.
i feel like i'm tiptoeing round him .
tonight we had a blazing row because i read an e-mail he was writing over his shoulder.

i just keep thinking-i can't believe this is it for the rest of my life.

i can't believe i have said that. i would never say that aloud.
don't tell me to leave him-it's never going to happen. i just had to vocalise this somehow.

What was the email?

Don't leave him. There's clearly a lot there.

But you can't carry on as you are. What has caused this bad patch, is he having a rough time at work? Are you? Are you(both) struggling with the kids? It all takes its toll.

You need to find an alternative to blazing rows, though. Would he be receptive if you spoke to him calmly in between black moods?

Men seem to go through this. Mainly because they bottle things up instead of talking about them!!
If you were in a mood you would talk about it.
Why dont you pour him a beer or run him a bath?
And ask him 'whats up?'

You need to sit down and talk about things. He sounds like my dh does when he is very stressed. Men have a funny way of showing their feelings and I sometimes have to go on and on before dh will let loose how he is feeling. Hope he talks and soon, its horrible when they are like this.

Dito Auntymandy

the e-mail was to his mum -i had asked him to e-mail her.
i would talk to him- he's my best friend in all the world.

a couple of weeks i tried the 'what's wrong' approach and it ended up in a row.he said there was nothing wrong and i asked him why, if there was nothing wrong, he was acting the way was towards me.he just kept insisting there was nothing wrong and that my asking over and over was making him angry.
we used to have so much fun together and now it seems that we have 10 minutes of fun and then i'll do or say something wrong and it all kicks off again.
god i' sorry i'm rambling on -i'm siting here with tears streaming down my face.

I agree with the people who have said something's upsetting him and you need to get him to talk about it. However, I would add that if you give him the opportunity and he turns it down, say well if you don't want to talk, do you mind if I go out because the atmosphere here is unbearable. And then go out and see friends,family or to the cinema or something. Try again the next day. If he's a fab dad he'll be all right to babysit won't he? What age is/are the child(ren) and is he just as grumpy with them?

Any hope of going to Relate? It doesn't sound like this way of dealing with conflict is making either of you happy. It would drive me mad having DH mysteriously pissed off for weeks on end.

the kids a re 6 and 3 and i would have no problem leaving him with them.he's great with them, and while he is a little less tolerant than usual it's just me that's bearing the brunt of it.

i love the idea of going out but have no family close by-nearest is 2 hours away, and no friends i could just pop in on unannounced and we don't have much money so cinema isn't a good choice. i did actually think tha tonight i would go out to the cinema, but came on here instead!
he is stressed i think . he's tired all the time and i mean all the time.that's not right is it?

really i should get off here and go and chat but , and i know this is childish,i'm sick of being the one who makes amends and gets us talking again. after the row i cooked dinner and he complimented me on it and i just ignored him. he's also got me a drink but he hasn't said sorry and while this would have been ok a while ago, i'm now so fed dup that i feel he should be making it up propely.

He complimented you and got you a drink - that's better than a poke in the eye with a short stick!
Don't expect miracles. If there is something seriously the matter, he's not suddenly going to turn into Mr Niceguy, but at least he has made an effort. Don't you have some friends, Ww, or acquaintances you could cultivate from your children's school/playgroup? And you don't have to turn up unannounced - you can phone and organise something for tomorrow night, or the night after. Or sweetly offer DH some time off while you have friends round.

Btw, if money is tight maybe he is worrying about finances.

Do you feel that you would like more social contact with other adults?

There are all sorts of things you can do to socialise without spending money, and some that would even earn you money. Your school is probably desperate for people to join the pta or governing body. Or, have you heard of those Tuppaware/chocolate/cosmetics/greetings cards parties that people host in their own homes? Or, if you like reading, there are book discussion groups (see your local library).

maybe i misunderstood the post about going out. i thought it meant when things are bad just go out on spec.
i DO have friends and funnily enough am a member of a book club! i have a social life just not a very close friend who i could escape to when we have a rwo.( well i do but she lives too far away!)
we have just had a little chat about something funny the kids did and now he's putting them to bed.
i'm going to try and talk to him when he comes down because i'm hating all this.sorry if i'm seeming pathetic.
i know when i hear about other peoples husband being really awful i know i'm lucky, but i also know this isn't right for US.

you've got two young kids, money is tight, you've got no local family suport and you don't get out much. You're probably both just fed up and it's natural to think "is this it?"

Could you get a babysitter,dress up and go out? Talk about how you first met and what attracted you to each other and take it from there.

So easy to solve other people's problems!!!!

try texting him!! I know this sounds odd, but sometimes its easier to say without talking to each other..iyswim!!!
If I am really upset or angry I text DH because I cant always get the words out!!!

Weary, I know where you are coming from.

My story is long and complicated, but I was very ill due to pregnancy related conditions until a few months ago (though youngest dd is about to turn 3 - it took me a long time to get over pnd and physical problems as well) and dh was a total star for all the time that was going on. We have been together for 16 years (since we were 19!) and married almost 12. We have 3 children, the last one (who made me so ill) unplanned.

Dh is tired. Tired of looking after me, taking total responsibility for the kids (while I was in and out of hospital, or having so much pain I couldn't look after them properly), tired of working nightshifts as his job demended (he gave up work 4 months ago to become a student with me and it is fab), tired of the broken nights and early mornings, tired of life, I think..... also stressed about money, as we havea big tax bill to pay in Jan and he is working locums to pay our way through college, (which we love, and he says he doesnt regret the decision to do our theology course for a minute), and he is exhausted.

I would never ever leave him, ever, as I think this is just a bit of a difficult patch when I have to do all the getting up with the kids and let him spend the afternoons in the library and go to bed early while I stay up late working. Its part of being married - a long time ago dh and I promised "for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live ....." and thus we stick to it. This isnt actually that much of a 'worse' as I know we still love each other, there is still plent of 'loving' going on, just he needs a little more care than I do right now, just as he cared for me through my 'sickness'

We make time for each other - we have booked a babysitter (local teenage girl on £10 per evening) once a week so we can go out. We cant afford to do a lot, so we often go for a walk, or go to the pub for one drink, or sit in the car and talk. We have romantic meals - put the kids to bed and eat what we were going to eat anyway, but with candles and nice music! We have a TV and computer free night once a week to talk. Talking is SO important. We are also very commited as Christians (possibly not appropriate to you) and so we try to pray together before bed, which keeps us close as well,

Its hard, when you have a stressed and tired dh, I know. But it can work out, as I also know. No idea if this is any help to you, but maybe knowing that someone else is tired and fed up with her tired and fed up dh will help, and my story is all about that, lots of love Harrisey x

harrisey thank you so much for sharing that with me.it does help.
i tried to talk to him last night and ended up shouting and crying my eyes out and being over the top.we went to bed and i lay there crying while he went straight off to slepp.
however, when we woke up this morning i was a lot calmer and we talked.
he said there isn't a specific thing wrong. he's a bit worried about money but that's always the case. He said he just feels really emotional. he said he'd been listening to the radio the other day and heard a joke that was so funny he was almost crying.but not crying laughing iyswim.
i asked if he wanted to go to the docs and he said no.i don't think he was aware he'd been so volatile. and we actually had a lovely chat.
we have said we are going to try and make an effort to stop and think when something is annoying us or whatever. i am going to remind him to get some exercise and daylight because i think this is a big factor.and he's promised he will talk to me.
i do feel better for talking.
i agree harrisey- for better and for worse and you can't just give up when he going gets tough.

I think the exercise and fresh air idea is a great one - every one needs that and there is the added bonus of wearing the kids out if you go on a family walk at the weekend. You're not being pathetic - you're trying to nip trouble in the bud which is so much better than waiting till things are beyond repairing. Sounds like you might be turning the tide. I hope so, good luck.