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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heartbroken - kids issue

26 replies

Biffster · 19/08/2015 12:29

Ok this is my first post...I have been lurking for a long time though. I would appreciate some advice/help/guidance on this, as I am getting nowhere on my own with it. Sorry if its long, I want to get it all out, and not drip-feed.

I was in a relationship for over 4 years with a separated man - yes he was definitely separated. He lived elsewhere and I have been to his home many times. He has a 5 year old son who is fantastic and I just adore him. The issue is now that we have split up because he says he wants more kids, and I cannot have any. I have an older son who still lives with me. I am 46 years old and don't want any more, nor can I actually have them, being sterilised a long time ago. He is 37. I know this makes me identifiable and to be honest I really don't care.

I am totally devastated by this, he knew my situation when we got together. I knew him before his child was born, and he didn't really want any kids then, but he did fall completely in love with him when he was born. To be honest I think he is missing spending so much time with his son that he thinks that he wants the whole "white picket fence" with a happy family life again. Wife, more kids etc. I know this is his choice but it has completely broken my heart. All I can think about his how happy we were and that he has just come up with this idea and broken it off with me in the space of a few days. It has been about a month now since he left me. He won't communicate with me, nor think of why he "needs" this.

I don't know what I am looking for here but my whole life has been shattered. My confidence is gone, my work is suffering and I have lost a lot of weight and getting little sleep. I have no friends for support, and my sister has been great but I cant lean on her all the time as she has health issues.

What do I now?

OP posts:

theredjellybean · 19/08/2015 12:33

i havent any words of wisdom except so sorry that sounds truely heart breaking . Did he discuss with you at all how he was feeling ? would you as a couple consider surrogacy or adoption even ? Would you actually want another child yourself?

UrethraFranklin1 · 19/08/2015 12:34

Give it time. There isn't anything you can do, I'm afraid. He's allowed to do what makes him happy, and very sadly for you, it can't be with you. All you can do is grieve the end of your relationship and try to move on in time.

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/08/2015 12:35

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on with your life. It's sad but you will get over it, I promise.

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/08/2015 12:37

Sorry that looks quite abrupt - I didn't mean it in that way.
He is entitled to do what he wants with his life, sadly that doesn't involve you. Neither of you have done anything wrong, it just isn't meant to be.

Original poster

Biffster · 19/08/2015 12:47

No, no discussion. Said he hadn't even thought about it until that week. And just dumped me within 2 days. To be honest I don't think its that what he needs. I knew him (well thought I did...). Think he is trying to fill the void left by not living with his son. Other issues around abandonment, depression etc also (him, not me).

OP posts:

Original poster

Biffster · 19/08/2015 13:59

I know I will just have to get on with it, but its breaking me up. I will never trust anyone again, not with anything, if the only person I have ever let into my life properly goes and does this. Without a second thought. He said he never thought about it at all, ever. Yes he is entitled to do what he wants, but to just discard me because I'm effectively "defective" is abhorrent to me. I'm devastated to be fairly honest.

OP posts:

Confused1282 · 19/08/2015 14:06

I think I would feel the same as you, if he felt strongly for you he wouldn't leave you for that reason he would accept what is what. I think you should completely cut him off to heal yourself. When our DC was born I wanted another straight after but my oh couldn't cope with going through it all again....(yes he couldn't cope....) ... But I accepted it and I'm happy we didn't! I hope you're ok? Has he said anything else??

cailindana · 19/08/2015 14:06

Honestly Biffster it look to me like you had a very lucky escape. He sounds incredibly immature. Ok, he wants more kids, fair enough but to just dump you like that after 4 years is awful. Don't give him any time if he comes crawling back.

I wouldn't be surprised if he already has someone lined up.

MatildaTheCat · 19/08/2015 14:08

Try to get over the 'defective' thing. The crux of the matter is that you both want different things. Even if you were magically to undo your sterilisation I doubt you would conceive easily or indeed want to. Having babies in your late forties is no joke and you decided long ago you had finished with pregnancy and childbirth.

It must hurt so much. The fact that he says he only considered this very recently seems odd. Has he been secretly thinking about it or is this an impulse? We can't know. I think you are better off having a good wallow then dusting yourself down and getting on with enjoying your life.

I'm sorry, though.

JellyBean31 · 19/08/2015 14:23

I must admit that my first thoughts were that he already had someone else lined up, it all seems too quick and too final for there not to be an OW.

Take care of yourself you will get over this no matter how devastated you feel right now

ShitHappens1 · 19/08/2015 14:29

This is so sad. OP, if you were posting this week's ago when it first happened, I'd be advising you to try and discuss options with him around surrogacy and adoption, if having a child is something you'd consider. Four years is an awful long time to just throw it away over something you could potential work out. And even if not work out, then have a discussion about it.

But the time has passed. Others may be right about suggesting maybe there's OW lined up, as it does seem bizarre he'd leave so quickly. But I hope for your sake there's not, as then just worsens the blow.

Original poster

Biffster · 19/08/2015 14:38

He just wont talk to me at all. I have tried to email him etc but he says "next week" then I don't hear from him again. No I don't want any more children at all, in any fashion. I was happy with what I (we) had. Thinking there must be an OW has made it so much worse now. This was an impulse reaction, I am sure of that. He was happy (or so I thought) with the one he had - even if he doesn't see him as much as he would like.

We discussed it over 2 nights. And he was adamant that was what he needed, not just wanted.... I still love him very much and I miss him every minute or every day.

OP posts:

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/08/2015 14:47

I think you need to stop pestering him, he's made a decision and that's it. Youre prolonging the agony. What you think he 'needs' or 'wants' is irrelevant. He's decided what he needs and wants, as he's entitled to do. I think these feelings have been there for a while and he's tried to ignore them, but can't. You need to just leave it be now.

Original poster

Biffster · 19/08/2015 15:09

"Prolonging the agony" - really....!!! I hope you never get dumped, get your heart stamped on and your life shit all over. You have no clue how much this hurts. I am really upset at your response Tigger.

And no, these feelings have not been there for a while, his friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and that's what started it off. A week before he dumped me.

OP posts:

cailindana · 19/08/2015 15:12

Wow Tigger you're compassionate aren't you?

Biffster, he's clearly a prick. I know that doesn't help you at all but there really isn't anything to be salvaged from this - he has treated you appallingly.

You will recover, in time.

Original poster

Biffster · 19/08/2015 15:28

And he was telling me he loved me just 3 days before, and I saw him every day nearly that week. And no, I have not pestered him at all. I thought if I left him to cool off and really have a think, to think about exactly what he did want, and if he still wanted me in his life (if he loved me enough to be happy with what we/he had). But I have had nothing but one email saying we can talk soon.

Thanks cailindana, yes I'm beginning to think he is a bastard, a real dickhead and maybe I just didnt see it earlier. I hopefully will, soon.

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cailindana · 19/08/2015 15:35

I'm really sorry to say that it looks very very likely he has another woman. The sudden change of heart, the lack of contact, it's all pretty textbook.

monkina · 19/08/2015 15:48

Hi Biffster,

I'm sorry for what you're going through, it must feel dreadful.

All I can say is that if you give him some space & time to think things through, maybe things will become clearer, for both of you- whatever the future may look like.

Look after yourself & don't blame yourself ; you cannot change someone else's mind, no matter how much you want to. Sending my very best wishesx

Original poster

Biffster · 19/08/2015 16:15

Its like nothing I have ever experienced before. I have never been dumped, but to be dumped because of this is horrendous. There is nothing i can do or say that will change it. How do I stop missing him and loving him, even if he has been a complete bastard, or has an OW? I feel angry too. Tbh this is just like him to make a rash decision. I don't think there is anyone else, but he just doesn't want to be with me because I cant give him what he wants.

OP posts:

cailindana · 19/08/2015 16:17

It is very very hard. It's such a blow to think that someone you loved and depended on doesn't really care. There's no magic fix to how you feel unfortunately, it will just take time. Do you have friends that you can lean on?

Original poster

Biffster · 19/08/2015 16:39

It definitely is. I really thought he did care, we had been together long enough. I did ask him to say if he just wanted out, and he said it wasn't that. Think I could have coped with that eventually, really. I don't know how or if I will ever get over it. No, I don't have any close friends, or many at all really.

OP posts:

Original poster

Biffster · 19/08/2015 18:57

And now home to an empty house. Its easy to say just leave him to it, but its very very difficult to do. Wish I was more angry and pissed off but I'm just not there yet. Its shitty to think he just doesn't care. I was such a strong independent and resilient person, and I think this being blindsided is one of the worst things I have had happen to me. I usually work on logic, but I cannot resolve this. And its all my fault.

He wont come back, how do I just get over it? I thought I would be by now. I haven't seen him for 4 weeks now. He just went completely dark on me. He's not the person I thought he was......

OP posts:

Smilingforth · 19/08/2015 23:34

I'm so sorry. Take each day at a time. It will slowly get easier.

Stripyhoglets · 20/08/2015 01:35

It will just take time for it to be less painful for you. I too think he may now have met someone else which has motivated his sudden desire to have more children, it's nothing you have done or not done.

Smilingforth · 20/08/2015 07:35

Try and find if you can a close friend or family member you can talk to as It will make it easier.

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