mum making my separation all about her

[Superhumancrew]

I am unfortunately in the process of separating from my long term partner of 9 years, it is sad and hard, but feels like the right thing as we were beginning to argue in front of our dd (5). Just for background there's no one else involved (certainly not on my side and I'm pretty sure not on dps either). As it stands we are able to be around each other, still care for each others well being very much, but just aren't working as partners. There's a chance we may be able to work through it with a bit of space and separate living arrangements but we'll have to wait and see.

The problem is my mums reaction, I explained yesterday that I am going to start looking for somewhere to rent (partner would move out but we are renting from his side of the family atm so that's not an option), and she has been a completely negative pita about the whole thing. saying things like "your going to break that little girls heart", " are you even thinking about your daughter", "your just going to leave her?" (I'm not we are planning to share custody). She went from quite aggressively having a go at me, to trying to persuade me what we are doing is wrong. Even proclaimimng that i was "bullying" her because i continuously defended our decision to split against her barage of criticism.

This morning on the phone she said she hadn't slept last night as she had been "worrying about everything", and kept doing really dramatic pauses, and hinting that she was about to cry. I am honestly trying my best to give her no cause for concern, being positive and upbeat about everything. I know she's got alot on her plate at the min (my grandads not 100% well) and other stresses. But is it wrong to want just a little bit of support, not judgement, guilt trips and negativity? How do I deal with the attitude with out snapping back (as I'm afraid I did yesterday).

Bit of background so as not to drip feed: My mum does alot for us (perhaps a little too much to the point of infantalising), helps out alot with childcare and my lo absolutely adores her. However, she very much likes to be in control of situations by holding the purse strings, or using emotional blackmail, I have spent alot of time tiptoeing around her mood swings and various family fallings in and out. Part of the issue with me and my partner is my partner thinks that I care to much what my mum thinks, and let her negativity colour my own world view, which make me hard to live with.

I really thought that she would be there for me as support but she's making me feel so much worse about the whole thing, and making me feel guilty about the effect its having on her please help me deal with this. thanks for reading sorry it's long and dull.

Tbh it looks like your dp is right.
You do care too much what your mum thinks to the point that you are trying to protect her feelings still even though you are going through huge hurt and upheaval.

She tries to control you through emotional blackmail and use of money and yet you still put her above you.

You need to separate your life from hers if possible, if you didn't need her to provide childcare or financial support then she wouldn't have such a hold on you.
Can you cope without her doing those things? You are paying a very high price for her help.

thanks so much for your reply rose.

it's tricky because I do really love her, and so does my dd, I would never go NC as I couldn't do that to either of them but I need to find a way of dealing with mine and my mums relationship which is healthy and on equal footing. I need to not let her opinions cloys my own judgements.

I could do with out the childcare, but I wouldn't want to deprive my dd over this. also the money, I have never asked for any money, my mum has offered when things have been very tight and I have gratefully accepted. Maybe I shouldn't but its hard when that would seem like cutting of my nose to spite my face, causing my dd to miss out and us to get into hadship with missed payments etc.

Childcare is different to your dd having a day out with nanny though, you don't need to show unending gratitude for someone that wants to take their grandchild to the park.

To relinquish yourself somewhat from the need to occasionally take money, can you do simple things like bung that £10 that's left at the end of the week on the gas as a reserve, use a few more £'s on better weeks to stock up on tins so that in those weeks that times are tough there is a stockpile? It doesn't sound like she is bankrolling you from your post, more helping on occasional lean weeks?

Even if she was regularly paying your bills though, this shouldn't be balanced by her having a say in such basic adult decisions as whether or not you should be in a relationship!
Talking things through is one thing, but trying to control your life through blackmail of whichever kind isn't a power you buy through a food shop.

As for nc, you may well feel things aren't at that stage, but I would be wary of her starting in on your dd...

She is used to having a voice and takes it for granted you will always be ready to listen. If you share less she will have less to comment on!

It is difficult if you have given her the idea you depend on her for childcare or accept presents of money. She may be a formidable character in any case so very tricky to get her to back off especially for your DP. If he has previously said your reliance on her is an issue then it might be you have not stood up to her in the past.

Armful just a thought reflecting on your thoughtful posts: if the OP's mum were intent on taking over, wouldn't she be encouraging these two to separate?

Her responses today weren't what you wanted to hear Super but as a loving granny she is thinking of DD. I bet it's a given she is in your corner, she just knows this is all out of her control. Another time if she infers you are not thinking about DD just say clearly, you and DP are very much considering your little girl, and how her home environment affects her when both parents are unhappy.

Or as you mention your grandfather isn't well, I am sure you can slide the conversation to him if you feel needled again.

If things are over with DP, he will no doubt still see your mum over the years so hopefully they will stay on civil terms for DD's sake.

I'm not sure she is intent on taking over as such, but if you recognize someone as an adult you know that what is needed in a situation like this "Are you really sure you've given it your all to save?" is more appropriate than all the "but...but....but..."

It was updates from the op that points towards control tactics already being in place.

'Mum, we have considered all of this very carefully and decided it is the best thing for our family. It is very sad, you are right. At the moment we all need to focus on keeping things as stable as possible for DD. We hope you will be able to support us but if not it might be best all round if you speak with someone else about your worries because I'm obviously upset myself.'

Repeat.

My mother made my ending of my engagement all about her, to the extent of running off in tears on the day that I would have got married. I had to go and have a stern word with her back (I was 24) along the lines of how it was about ME and my feelings on that day, not HER FFS. She behaved herself then.

Maybe your mum would benefit from you shouting at her and saying 'Well how the fuck do you think I feel about it, mum? I'm not doing this fucking lightly!!' before bursting into tears. Might knock her into mum mode.....

If that doesn't work, ignore ignore ignore. Or say 'You are doing my head in and I don't want to hear it' EVERY time she starts up.

Thanks everyone I really appreciate the replies. I agree with the poster who said they're sure that she has our best interests at heart but is worried about loosing control of the situation, I think that's bang on.

I don't rely on my mum as such, she suggested having dd sometimes as a way of spending time with her and giving me a break. but I tend to work evenings and weekends around dp so in that respect I didn't rely on her for work childcare. She also has dd for sleepovers sometimes which I really appreciate as it gives me a chance to socialise, plus they both enjoy it. I do try quite hard to resist alot of her offers of help, as whilst they are on the whole well meaning, it does put me in the situation where I feel that I have to do and say things, and live my life in a way that pleases her. Sometimes my resistance leads to arguments though.

I'm so sorry La that's awful. I can't believe your mum did that on the day that was meant to be your wedding. I think my mum wants me to behave in an upset way, I think she'd find that easier. but I'm trying to be strong, which may come across as cold hearted and detached, but I've already been through the emotional side of this over the last few months and am trying to be practical.

Quick update. I feel dreadful having posted this now. I think now the shock has worn off and she's rang me being very supportive. It probably was a mixture of shock and feeling powerless, she's not happy (neither are any of us) but doesn't seem as cross or disappointed as before. Thanks for all the support anyway. Hopefully it will all work out.

Good luck

I'm glad that she has stepped up

Nice update.

Awful time all round - wishing you the best of luck.