Friend having affair with married man - what to do?

[Quandary2015]

One of my dearest friends is having an affair with a married colleague.
He has been married two years.
The affair has lasted nearly a year, throughout his wife's pregnancy and baby being born.
I don't know the wife.

She knows how I feel about it. It has nearly cost our friendship.

They are both adamant it is love and he is going to leave. However, there is always a reason he hasn't.

It is sickening me and I don't know what to do.

I was in the position of being friends with the married one having the affair.
We were work friends, close but not in each others pockets IYSWIM. Didn't really know her husband.

I tried to be understanding at first, wondered if it was an exit affair, if there were issues she hadn't told us. . .

No, she just wanted to be married and sleep with other men, she see's herself as happily married, despite having a 'boyfriend' of over a year.

I had to walk away, I did tell her why, she just shrugged, so not as good a friend as I thought, last I heard she and hubby are talking about kids, and she has a new boyfriend.

I think by not telling her how you feel and not walking away you're are saying that this is ok behaviour, (and a kind and lovely person doesn't do this to another human being).

I don't care if she did/didn't know about the wife at the start or what crap he's told her. Once she did know she should have walked away, and I said the same of my experience above.

Having couples night with them is just cruel IMO and your friend is deluded.
If and that is a big if he ever leaves think of the wake of destruction they will leave behind them, is that the behaviour of a kind person?

And I bet £50 that the only way he will leave is if his wife finds out and kicks him out.

I would ditch the lot of them.

Depends how close a friend it is. I personally wouldn't ditch a close friend for this, although I'd be honest with them about how I felt about it.

For me personally, the only people responsible for the health of a marriage are the people in the marriage. I don't blame her or by extension you.

He's the one who's committed elsewhere, and who has decided to betray his partner.

I'm afraid your friend is not lovely and kind at all. I'd have to step away.

The openness about the affair is actually rather disgusting, they don't appear to be making an effort to be considerate at all towards the wife's feelings.

So your friend isn't lovely and kind, she's shown you that when faced with a chance to be lovely and kind, she'll pick treating someone else without any basic respect in order to make her life a tiny bit better (they could still have the affair, but keep it discreet and secret until he's told his wife so she's the first person outside of the affair to know about it, not the 100th, and not running the risk she'll find out another way and be more hurt).

If they are prepared to behave this way to the wife, then at some future point when your friend can be kind but put herself out a bit, or be cruel but make her life a bit easier, she'll pick cruel. Why have her in your life? You know when push comes to shove, she's not going to be a good friend. You know you can't trust either of them.

the only people responsible for the health of a marriage are the people in the marriage.

Maybe so but having a relationship where you know there is a pregnant wife/baby at home is utterly repellent and makes that person a total bitch. I do not understand how anyone could do that to another person.

I blame her for being complicit in the affair.

I am so upset that she is doing this. People would be so shocked because she is the loveliest, kindest person. I hate him

No she isn't. She is sleeping with someone who she knows is married. That certainly isn't being 'kind' or 'lovely'.

Although he is married, she knows he is, has a small child, but carries on. Makes them both complicite.

Therefore, if you 'hate' him, you should afford her the same emotion.

She isn't kind. Not in the slightest.

I would want to know if it was my DH, and I certainly wouldn't want to have anything to do with a friend if they were having an affair!

The other friends going g on group dates are cruel too., that's why I would ditch the lot of them. One day they will be cruel to you, because they are unkind and cruel not kind and lovely. I am sorry they pulled the wool over your eyes.

I would make the argument on the grounds of her wellbeing, rather than in a more judgmental way (I don't believe many people respond positively to being told 'This is wrong' about anything). I also think you shouldn't walk away, because it is very, very likely that she will need you more than ever before in the near future.

My best friend also had an affair with a married man. I begged her to stop. I represented to her how devastating it would be to her mental health (she had just escaped an abusive relationship). I talked to her about why she didn't feel like she could have a full-blown relationship with a single man. In short, I made it absolutely clear that I disapproved on every possible ground, but that I still loved her and was still her friend.

None of it worked.

Like most affairs, it started out as 'a bit of fun'. Then it soon became 'But I think I have feelings for him'. Then 'Why won't he leave his wife?' or 'Why can't he be there for me when I need it?'. (Refusing to listen to any bitching about the wife is important at this point - I just kept saying 'I feel so sorry for her'). Then a full-blown mental health crisis about why she wasn't good enough, which played on every insecurity she had.

However, when it all fell apart, as it inevitably was going to, she was a complete bloody mess. She was pregnant and I had to take her to the abortion clinic and be with her for nights afterwards. She totally crumbled and she really, really needed me in her life. I was glad I hadn't walked away.

I think those involved in affairs are in mental health crisis, some of the time.

Well technically it's nothing at all to do with you. You don't have to be involved. Just be her mate and ignore it. People make choices all the time you may not agree with.

In this circumstance, I would distance myself. Because then you will end up lying for them if you don't.

Eventually it's all going to go tits up. You can explain how you feel now but she's living in a fantasy world.

Fast forward to the inevitable mess at the end. Can you be there for her when she realises what she's done and be a friend to her then? If not delete her number now and get on with your life.

She isn't kind. She is just either mindless or much worse

I think people who get involved in an affair are in a kind of crazy fantasy world and try and convince themselves that all is normal.

As a friend I would tell her the truth, that is that there are three people in this relationship. He is holding all the power because he has two women, she "has" one man, the wife has "one" man. He has made promises which he has forfeited. He is neglecting his promises, neglecting his children, neglecting his wife.
In effect his wife, and his mistress, are dependent on him to decide what to do. His mistress, also has no value, he is undermining her. Her needs as an individual are not being met, while he flits from one woman to the other.

As a friend I would point out her choices, and circumstance. If the situation still bothers you, don't keep talking to her about it, and tell her that. Tell her that you have said all you can and prefer not to talk any more about it.
She has the choice to leave, so has the husband and the wife, at any time. We all have choice, and it is her problem not yours, but I would speak honestly to her.