Moving in together - finances

[Derbyday]

Honest opinions requested please as I genuinely don't know the answer.

DP and I are talking about moving in. I have DC from a previous relationship with 50/50 custody and thus no maintenance. I pay a few hundred each month towards DC school fees. This will end after the next school year.

We both earn good money, him a bit more than me. I have substantially less disposable income though. I will lose £136 a month child benefit when he moves in.

I bought my house very recently with £30k deposit. He owns his house and would sell; this would free up a similar amount.

Is it fair to suggest that he can go on the deeds to my house provided he chips in £30k towards the mortgage as a lump sum?

What about ongoing bills/mortgage? Is 50/50 fair?

I don't expect him to pay for my DC but how do people blend finances in this situation? I want it to be fair to both of us yet I don't see how it can work if one partner is substantially better off than the other whilst ostensibly being a family.

We are a blended family. It all goes into a pot really. If stuff needs paying for my kids he will happily pay if I'm broke.

When we got together I had a flat, he was in the house he still owned with his ex. He was working, I'm disabled. Now neither of us works as he had a serious accident, his ex has forced the house sale and will be getting most of the money, I've sold my place and now have about three times more cash than him. But it's for us as a family,, not mine. We will be putting it all together on a new place and when he returns to work will cover the bills.

If you are going to be together and committing then that's how it works.

I personally wouldn't do anything as drastic as selling or changing deeds before he moves in. I'd have aerial run for 3 months first.

He doesn't need to chip in the exact £30K - you can legally set out who owns what of the house.

This might not sound very romantic, but I always think a person should know their financial escape route. Do you WANT him to have a claim on your home? What if you split and he wants his £30K back and your circumstances have changed (or bank rules) and you can't remortgage? You may have to sell. Also, do you see the house as an investment? If so, you halve your investment vehicle by sharing it with him. Even though it would be FAIR for him to gain half, I'd personally prefer to keep it that he didn't.

Personally, I'd keep your house as yours, and his house as his - and rent it out instead of sell. Low interest rates, property still generally a good investment, you can afford two mortgages now (even without rent) so it'd be a no brainer investment for me. Plus it keeps your finances a bit more separate, which works better for me though I know not everyone agrees.

Agreeing with the poster who thinks it's waaaay to soon to be thinking about sharing ownership of a house. I'd see how you get on sharing the space and then, maybe think about getting closer.

Keeping both houses is a sound investment. At some point in the future you might sell both and buy one together.

Why wouldn't you take the time to get to know each other much better before you take on joint financials. Hope it goes well for you. xx

He wants to sell because it's a 4 bed house and he's been told by a landlord friend that they are problematic to rent I.e. Families rent them with kids who trash the place. He also has a friend who is interested in buying it.

I'm ok with him not going on the deeds straight away but then what do I charge for rent? I don't think it's fair that he becomes even more well off as a result of moving in with me so would 50/50 still be appropriate? The bulk of that would be rent but is charging half my mortgage ok?

I've been very clear that I'll be protecting my DC inheritance but I also don't think it's fair for him to lose an asset by moving in. Ideally I'd like him to rent his house for a while 'just in case' but that doesn't send a very good message about my faith in our relationship!

How about he moves in and puts the equivalent of half the mortgage in a joint savings account for a set amount of time. Review it in, say, a year and if all going well then he puts £30k into the house and use the money that's built up in the savings account to do something to the house, go on a joint holiday, go towards the mortgage etc. I drew up a fairly detailed living together arrangement with my partner - he stood to lose more than I did if we split up. It's something that only matters if you split up, but if you DO split up, then it really matters. Better to get it sorted now rather than then :)

DH and I moved in together when DS1 (not DH's) was 2. I owned a house and DH lived with his Mum, so DH moved into my house for a few months to see how it went. He paid 50% of the bills and mortgage, but nothing for DS1 (mostly because it didn't come up), and we agreed we'd go 50/50 on the new house, sold mine, he matched my deposit and bought our new house.

I took a couple of years off after DS2 was born and DH paid for everything. Now I'm back at work it all just goes in a pot and we buy stuff that's needed regardless of whose money it is. He set up savings accounts not long after we moved in together; one in our name, one in DS1's name (and eventually in DS2's) and he's contributed far more than I have to each one. He's never questioned paying anything towards DS1 and I hope he's never resented it (hasn't ever occurred to me to ask).

I agree that a trial run is always a good idea; it's a big shift living together.

It's pretty immature to think that making open and sensible decisions about relationships shows a lack of faith!

He could use his cash to buy another investment, and pay you 50% of your mortgage to cover your additional costs (increased council tax, loss of CB) and then 50% of bills and food.

Merge your daily costs (operating costs) but keep your assets separate.

There are lots of ways to cut it big you both need to be happy upfront and really share at least the monthly living costs.

Whilst I'm all for love I think you do need to be sensible, which is what you are doing. Is there a reason you want him to move in to yours, rather than vice versa?

I also have equity and. Decent job so will be looking to protect what I have in my home for my dds inheritance, so I'll watch your post with interest

Him buying somewhere else if he's worried about his house is a good idea.

About splitting the finances:
you shouldn't lose money by him moving in. At least your lost benefits should be covered and consider how better off he'll be by sharing living expenses instead of living alone. He is not a room mate. He should be your partner, so you should end up with similar personal budgets.
For me it would be telling how he is prepared to handle finances. Ask him. If he is not immediately concerned about your loss of income, point it out to him. If he still prefers for you to lose out, dump him on the spot.
If you are taking this as a rehearsal for marriage and family, that is how you should approach it.

Renting out his house is to me, the obvious way forward to give you space to get to know each other better before getting so entwined that it would be difficult to get free again without loss.

Is the friend who suggests his four bed house will definitely be 'trashed' by whoever rents it by any chance the same friend who is interested in buying it (and saving themselves estate agents fees)?

Does he often take advice which is so obviously biased , especially when it makes life more difficult for you? This would make me more cautious about getting entwined. It wouldn't stop me getting closer, but I would want to see how this went. It could become tedious if what is most convenient for you is not automatically his default way forward, if a 'friend' is really given priority on such flimsy grounds. Good luck.

Took me ages to be able to log in again!

The friend who might buy his house is not the same as the one advising not to rent it. I actually think DP would be fine with just combining finances but, partly due to me paying school fees for another year, I don't think this is fair to him. even without school fees I still benefit more from that arrangement. Moving into my house makes sense because it's bigger.

We're both committed to the relationship long term and intend to marry at some point. I just don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage financially.

Sure, but make sure you don't lose out. And that you gain at least as much as him. Moving together tends to cut costs for both parties.