Finally told EA husband its over

[FloatingFeather]

I've been together with him for nearly 12 years and we have a 4yo DD. I don't know how but I finally managed to tell him that I can't live with him any more last night, I really wasn't expecting to have that talk with him last night and I've been pretty shell shocked. He has been pretty calm today, but he is out drinking now, and I'm getting texts telling me he will do everything in his power to make sure I only get to be a part time mother. This is a man who has had no interest in bringing up his child to date, has only twice in her life put her to bed, never given her a bath, hardly spends any time with her (I'm talking about an hour total over the course of a week) can he really even hope for 50/50? She likes him but she hardly knows him, he has never shown any interest at all until now... please tell me he won't get more than once a fortnight, I couldn't bear it. He is moody, he drinks and he suffers manic depression (mostly the depression) and has emotional affairs, but I would rather stay in the relationship in order to be the main carer for my daughter. Earlier this evening I was missing him (what is wrong with me!) but those texts have put a stop to that.

Someone much wiser will be along shortly with advice for you but in the meantime, don't delete those texts, screenshot them as they will be useful for your solicitor in the future! I very much doubt whether these threats are any more than just threats, they are more about getting you to stick around rather than leave. Stick to your guns you are clearly doing the right thing, you and your dad will be so much better off without him

Thank you. I'm ashamed to say that I took him back again last night. I'm so angry with myself. This is the third time I have tried to end the relationship. the last two times didn't last 10 minutes - both times he told me he would abandon our daughter and never see her again, which I know is blackmail but I fell for it, and this time its the opposite - he will try to take her from me if I dare to leave him. I'm exhausted and sad, but I've had a glimpse into how it will go when I do get the courage to end this for good, and now I know I need to go and get some proper legal advice and make sure I have everything in place to protect my custody of my daughter before I end it. I never expected to have to do that as I never thought he was interested, he has always seen childcare as a chore and a bore rather than a joy. I guess he will even screw himself and his daughter over if he thinks it will hurt me :( this isn't the man I married, we had some problems before, but 3 days after our daughter was born he turned into an arsehole and he has never changed back.

Oh feather, that sounds so hard. Maybe do things like get legal advice, copy all the bank details/statements/ all financial papers and really really prepare so that you're more ready next time?
He sounds awful, I'm sorry you're going through this

Feather don't beat yourself up about it. It is rarely as clear cut and simple as it's over, you're out. It does take a massive degree of resolve and self-belief to get there. Many women stop and start before they make they set the wheels in motion. Keep the text messages, those sorts of threats are not him showing care for his child. He is effectively trying to scare you into submission.

In the meantime get yourself in order r.e. finances and legal advice. Do you rent or own? Is the house in both names and do you work?

Think of it like this: Even though you are not ending things right this very minute, you can start to prepare for every eventuality one of which might be leaving him.

What tends to happen in these sorts of cycles is that you will invariably both suffer another fall out in which things get worse and worse until you have to draw the line somewhere - if for nothing then your own sanity.

One thing to do to get there is to understand yourself and your boundaries, I don't doubt that he has crossed them many times - but the problem here is that your boundaries get weakened each time, so that leaves him with the power to continue damaging the family unit as your strength gets eaten away. Decide where is your final line and that you will stick to it. If he changed 3 days after dd was born and now she's 4 then I'd be willing to hedge my bets that he's comfortable with the sort of shit he's got you in now.

You seem to already have a good grasp of his game - using dd as some sort of bargaining tool. Not only is staying for her sake a bad idea for her, it is also damaging for you too. This isn't a healthy dynamic in which to raise a child and neither is it a healthy relationship for you - you are more than a wife and a mother - you are your own person and no-one has the right to treat you this way.

No-one is going to beat you with a stick because you didn't leave immediately but what we can urge you to do is get your ducks in a row for any eventuality. Preparation and planning will help you in the long run.

Thank you InTheBox, your kind words made me cry. It sounds stupid but I didn't even realise the relationship was EA until the beginning of the year, I was really low and went to some counselling sessions (in secret, he would be furious if he found out). The lady said that the relationship was abusive and I was just shocked - he had never hit me so I'd never even considered it. I started lurking on hear and reading other people's stories, and I read the Lundy book and did the freedom project online and was just amazed at how he fit the patterns, it sounds stupid but I even made a mind map showing how he fit all the different categories. I was looking at it yesterday when I was trying to stay strong, but the thought of loosing my daughter is terrifying, he knows she is the most important thing to me and uses that against me. I know what he is doing and why but am not strong enough to combat it yet. Sometimes he will manipulate me and I will be crying because I know what is going on but I give in anyway, its really hard to break old patterns. I know I have to leave the relationship, I'm getting stronger every time I think. I think its important what you say about setting my personal boundaries, I'm really going to give that some thought.

We rent, I work and he does not, I am very lucky that I will be able to provide for us and won't need any money from him. When its finally over I will go to my parents if he will not leave which would give me some breathing space to rent a new place.

He is a twat. Simple as. Using your children as tools is beneath contempt

you will get there

keep posting and looking for support in RL

Be very careful now- get a shl and try to work things out so he can't claim to be SAHP as he isn't working - get 4yo in childcare or school and after school club etc.

You will get there eventually, and we will be here until you do.

He won't go for full custody. He plain and simple can't be bothered to parent his child - I'd imagine it's just an empty threat. Besides, if you've always been the main carer then he wouldn't stand a chance even if he DID go (which he almost certainly will not). He's probably get EOW and one week night though (again, only if he can actually be bothered).

With regards to him saying he will turn his back on his daughter if you leave him, what a vile thing to say...is that not reason enough to leave this horrible man rather than stay out of guilt? (And I mean that in the kindest way possible, I'm not saying you should leave before you are ready, but that you shouldn't feel guilty if he chooses to abandon your dd.)

Do you want to tell us a bit more about your situation so we can offer any practical help? Have you contacted WA? Do you think his MH puts him/you/your dd at risk of harm? Do you have somewhere to go to when you manage to leave?

Please don't feel embarrassed about taking him back last night. It took me tens of attempts to leave my EA ex and father of DS, and we didn't even live together, so I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Lots of women take multiple attempts to leave an abusive partner. However, it is worth pointing out that if the abuser suspects they are about to lose control over their partner, then the abuse can escalate, so make sure you take steps to stay safe. Is there somebody you can confide in RL to warn them? Could you ask the police to put a mark against your address in case you ever have to ring? I don't want to worry you of course, but it is important to mention.

Sending and (and for later!).

They ALL say that about the kids.
It's where they can hit you the hardest.
Call his bluff.
Tell him 50:50 is fair as he is her father and which nights of the week would suit him best.
He'll soon back pedal.
He doesn't want to be a father and you know it.
As a PP has said, get yourself some legal advice.
Hide all important documents or better still give them to someone to look after. Passports, birth and marriage certificates, bank account details, house details if you own a property.
Shit Hot Lawyer (SHL) is required now.
Get a letter to him ASAP so he knows you are serious and get the ball rolling.
Is his name on the house deeds? Does he contribute at all in any way?
What does he do all day?
Make sure you also get medical information if you have it regarding his depression etc....
Well done. You've made a massive step but this really is just the beginning.
Keep on Keeping on (KOKO) and you'll be rid of him soon.
Get as much real life support around you as you possibly can and tell people why this is happening. You need support and help and people will step up for you.
Keep strong.
for you.