How much hope is there of meeting a suitable man at 41?

[Pinksparkle383]

I think I'm feeling fairly sorry for myself. I recently separated from my dh so possibly not the right time to meet anyone yet but just wondering, actually, really, is there much chance of me meeting someone I really like and who is could work out with at 41 (teen ds in tow)?
So lonely right now but just need to live with it.

Give me hope ladies!

when we believe we are worth nothing, we attract men who ultimately agree with us

Yes, perhaps you should write a self help book IfNot

I had started to assume that an interested man must be one that isn't worth having. Only a man that wasn't attractive, solvent, clever, witty, and drop dead gorgeous would have to limit his interest to the over 40s. This sort of desperate man who lacks the qualities I would want, is not something I could settle for. I discussed this with a friend (she is very astute) she said "rather than this being a case of you being confident this is your low self-esteem and self doubt"

So basically its an infinite loop, you believe in yourself, you believe in them, you have faith in their qualities because you have faith in yours...So if you think you are a compromise even the best man in the world will seem like a man who is having to compromise and therefore a man not worth having.

• gling = going

FolkGirl, some truth in what you say, however it's not a simple case of some objective measurement of "decent"

We can not measure on a ruler who is decent enough for us. We can not measure a persons true value and compare it to our own, it is all subjective.

Hegel was right, that is we only recognise our own value/freedom/humanity reflectively by recognising it in others.

Minx that's been my experience tbh.

I have hobbies, a professional career, I'm capable and I don't 'need' a man. I attract men who are drawn to me because I am independent and 'youthful' and fun and have strong and clear boundaries... but it doesn't work because, ultimately, they want exactly what I am and what I'm offering. They just want me to be 28-30 and not 40. And they want me to be a size 8-10 and not a 12-14. And they want me to be something their friends will admire rather than just 'ok looking'. I think if I ticked any of those 3, I might be ok. But the fact I don't is a problem.

After being married for many years, what they want is for their friends to be impressed they can still pull a young attractive woman. And od is the worst for that!

Agree with loveareadingthanks: People of all ages get together.

At 46 I've just met someone I could really imagine sticking with. It's been just a few months, but definitely fits your description of "who you really like and who it could work out with". This after a very unhappy breakup with my husband of over 20 years.

Also agree with the idea that you might wish you'd met him 20 years ago ... though maybe 20 years ago you wouldn't even have got together. I was much less self-assured then and neither of us had had the responsibility of parenthood.

It sounds like you are still at the stage where your future has suddenly been rewritten and looks incredibly scary as you have no idea what it will bring. You will feel better.

For the moment, don't forget that a blank page is not just scary but also full of potential, with or without a partner. You can do what you like - make new friends, do new things, and go out on dates to have fun without any pressure to settle down before you're thirty or whatever other nonsense might have bothered you 20 years ago :-)

NB: my new guy is rather overweight, a bit thin on top and absolutely gorgeous!

Folkgirl I don't think that's necessarily true of all men. I know women of all shapes and sizes who have met men, also of all shapes and sizes, in their 30s and 40s. Sounds like your exes were just wankers.

I agree it is hard though. I'm a 36 year old single mum of 2 young DC. Had a couple of short relationships from online dating, but at the moment I honestly don't have the energy to put myself out there again. And in my low moments I do get a bit woe is me and wonder if I will ever have a decent relationship again

It doesn't matter how much you value yourself, or how much you think you're worth, though. It's not gling to improve the quality of the men you meet, or increase the number of decent men, or change what they're looking for. It only means you're not going to be fooled by them.

See, I know exactly how you feel Folk , and yes, the pool of men who are available is smaller when you are not 21 and out all the time, but I must take issue with your stance, partly because for years it was mine too. I was always sort of on the defensive, which after a few disappointments is understandable. My barriers were up, my bullshit detector finely tuned,my eyes narrowed...and I always attracted men who were actually drawn to that.
They wanted to storm my barricades, but once I had lowered the drawbridge so to speak ( fnar) they would lose interest,because it wasn't the real me they were after just the chase.
In being cynical and wary I was unwittingly meeting men who were not in it for real.
Maybe my currently relationship will crash and burn, I don't know, but in the process of deciding that I am actually awesome I really believe that there will be more fish in the sea because I can see how my old patterns of being led me into a cycle of being let down and led to very low self esteem.
Online dating can be brutal , true and I think there are a lot of men out there who genuinely want to meet a nice woman who isn't necessarily 28, but often they have given up too and arnt even online.
I tell you what, since my so got into sports I have come into contact with lots of men. Footy and Cricket matches are swarming with divorced dads...

I'm trying not to give up completely, IfNotNow

And I do always hope someone will respond to a post of mine that will make me see things differently! But, unfortunately, at the moment i don't have any evidence of it being different.

I do hobbies where I meet men. I go to festivals where I meet men. I do stuff where I meet men. But they're not interested in me. They're too busy looking at/trying to engineer opportunities to talk with the younger women.

Oh well

Sorry I have asked for this to be removed, and I will start a new post.

Good idea Biff start a thread of your own that way you will get a lot more support.

My mum separated from my dad when she was 37. She had a few boyfriends but never anything serious.
At 51 she met her now husband and he's lovely

Of course you're not too old! Met DH when we were both 42. Married 2 years later. First marriage for both of us. He is kind, decent, funny, solvent, not bad looking.

I wasn't looking for anyone and have never minded times when I have been single. In fact, I was single by choice, or at least definitely not looking. I am very happy but equally I know I would have been happy to remain single. Perhaps it's that place you need to be? Then, if a wonderful partner appears it's a bonus not a hallelujah?

Thanks for all the hopeful messages you girls. I'm really going to work on my self esteem.

This is not me advertising my wares but giving you an idea that there are men out there who are single and decent.

I’m 47, divorced with two kids. I don’t want to date anyone younger than 40, I don’t want to serial date, I don’t care if she has kids as long as she has time for me and I want to take my time to find the right person. I’m not handsome, buff or rich but I am employed, solvent and sane. I only do monogamy and I will find someone. You’ll find someone too. It’s hard work, I date someone, we establish a rapport and then find something’s missing, it’s a struggle but it will be worth it, for me and for you.

TL

There's always hope. I met my bf at 41. If I'd written down what my ideal man would be, he's basically it. Which is great

However I was single for nearly 6 years before I met him, a lot of which time I spent unsuccessfully online dating. I wanted a relationship but couldn't get any man to even see me for more than one date. I didn't change anything about myself to meet my bf, just he thankfully was interested in me where all the other (lesser) men in the 'pool' weren't...

You really all have cheered me up so much. I've had the worst last year with sleepless nights so I'm going to spend the next year looking after myself, getting some sleep, feeling good about myself and see what happens.

Do be cheered up - 40 is the new 30! I met DP about a month after my 41st birthday and while it's still early days, it's the easiest, gentlest, most mature and sexiest relationship I've ever had. We've both been through pretty miserable marriages, so don't want to take this second chance at happiness for granted, and we've both got commitments, so understand about allowing space, as well as making time for ourselves. Part of that is because we're not 25 and stressed out about The One, or how often he's texted, or feeling pressured by friends. There's a lot to be said for all the other things you bring to a relationship in your 40s, and, honestly, not all men are looking for supermodels.

As a side note, some people have brilliant success with online dating, others don't. If it's not for you, don't get despondent - I met my DP through a friend of a friend at a sports club, and it's probably not a coincidence that he and I connected at the point where I'd decided that I had to focus on enjoying the life I had as me, and not worrying about not being half of a couple. Nearly all of my gorgeous, funny, solvent single 40+ girlfriends are tearing their hair out online dating but not meeting anyone; whereas none of my (also good-looking, funny, solvent) single male 40+ friends would go near online dating if you paid them. I suspect these two facts are not unconnected.

it's probably not a coincidence that he and I connected at the point where I'd decided that I had to focus on enjoying the life I had as me, and not worrying about not being half of a couple

I think this is what I was getting at really. ^^

You sounds Interesting travellinglighter..have you met Folkgirl?...

Ifnot??

Am I missing something, should I avoid at all costs?

This is IfNot couldn't login on my usual name for some reason -Gah!

NO! Of course that is not what I meant travellinglighter!
I was just being silly, doing matchmaking. I'm obviously not very good at it!

Ha ha Roger. I knew what you meant.

Hi ifnot. Well don't stop, I need all the help I can get.

I'm 34. My fella is 42. We met last year, neither of have been married or kids. He has zero baggage as he was too lazy to even think about getting a girlfriend (guess who did the initial chasing ;) )

I'm absolutely sure you will meet someone else but in the meantime enjoy yourself. I know it feels impossible when teens are in the mix but I dated a few men in my divorced years when my children were teens and it didn't seem to be an insurrmountable problem. Just take it slowly.