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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you deal with your partners imperfections?

23 replies

PartyFops · 18/08/2015 17:07

To start with, no I'm not perfect.

DH's Pros :

He's generous
Kind
Loyal
Good dad
Pays the mortgage

Dh's cons

Lazy
Crap with money
No interest in DIY, gardening etc apart from cutting the grass I have to do it all.
Not interested in sex - at all!
Works from home so he spends all evening up stairs in front of his computer - I spend every evening alone.

Will go to the pub on a Friday night, but won't ever have a beer or wine with me at home.
He's messy and dis organised.

Is it really awful of me to slightly resent him. I dream of a good relationship with someone who wants me, wants to make our house nicer, laughs with me, will share a bottle of wine with me.

It makes me really really sad to think that unless I ruin my family and we split up that I have wasted my chance of being happier in my marriage. I can't leave, we have a 4 year old, my parents split up and I could never put her through that.

Help, I feel really lost today Hmm

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 18/08/2015 17:12

It sounds pretty grim. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? Do you think he would consider counselling? Because basically you don't seem to have a marriage; you're housemates who co-parent.

Original poster
PartyFops · 18/08/2015 17:20

Yes, my feelings have been shared, he may improve for a month or 2, I get a sympathy shag. Then it goes back to more of the same. Every 6 months or so it hits me that is for life and I get really low and angry in equal measures. He just thinks that maybe I am getting my period and that's why I'm grumpy.

We have lost any sense of fun.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 18/08/2015 17:29

was he different when you married him?

not interested in DIY is fixable - just get someone in to do it! hire a gardener!

crap with money but pays the ortgage? so not so crap then.

the rest sounds awful - presumably you did have sex as you have a child...what happened?

subjecting your dd to 14 more years of this with you and him miserable = far more damaging than a potential split and you having a happy life...

Cabrinha · 18/08/2015 17:39

Sounds like some minor things, with one big issue: no sex.

I don't see why he has to drink with you - not everyone wants to drink at home and you shouldn't need someone to drink with you.

What's the deal with being on computer in the evening? I can't work out from your phrasing whether his work means he works evenings. In which case it's not his fault - but it is something you need to address as a couple.

Original poster
PartyFops · 18/08/2015 17:49

Yes, he works most evenings on his computer, which I wholly understand, I think it's that mixed with everything else just makes my life very lonely.

I understand he doesn't need to drink with me, and to some sitting at home on their own with a bottle of wine is heaven, but it gets lonely.

But I do dream about sharing a bottle of wine with someone other than the dog. I don't have many friends as we moved recently and I'm still getting to know people.

We tried for 3 years to conceive so we did have sex - clinical un passionate sex in order to conceive.

He was more fun before we married, we lived in London, had a good circle of friends and went out quite a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
PartyFops · 18/08/2015 17:53

I think I can live with the no sex thing as I am kind of used to it and to try and push him to it would mean sympathy shagging which is worse than no sex!

But the not being desired hurts, really hurts. I worry that if I ever got any male interest, I would find it really hard to stay faithful, which goes against all my beliefs. But surely a woman wants to feel wanted?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 18/08/2015 17:57

I still don't understand the bottle of wine thing. Is that shorthand for "spending a evening together at home" or do you actually want him to drink? Because the latter isn't fair.

Surely it's time not alcohol that's the issue here?

Sounds like you need more of a social life of your own, after moving.

I'd say the biggest problems are lack of sex - you need to understand why - and him dismissing your unhappiness as periods Confused but then that could be partly how you're communicating it.

Does he HAVE to work evenings?

Cabrinha · 18/08/2015 17:59

Funny you say you could live with the no sex, when I think that's the most serious issue! Or at least, it's the most serious symptom. Sex is the glue.

Years of TTC is hard. And if his working pattern means you don't get the chill out evenings leading into sex, that's a problem too.

You need to have a serious talk about the lack of sex.

happygirl87 · 18/08/2015 18:01

If he's messy, lazy, won't spend time with you doing the things you are interested in...he doesn't sound generous and kind?!

Twinklestein · 18/08/2015 18:01

This isn't about imperfections this is about a relationship that's not working. You hardly spend time together, you're more like housemates.

SevenSeconds · 18/08/2015 18:02

The no sex thing is a problem. The working every evening thing would be a massive problem for me too - if you're not having quality time together as a couple then it's like living with a flatmate. Unless he absolutely has to work every evening?

Do you eat together? I wouldn't mind someone who didn't want a drink, but I do like to have a nice meal with DH most evenings. How about if you eat together and then your DH bring his laptop out of his study and sits in the same room with you while he works and you watch TV? So at least you're not sitting on the sofa on your own every evening.

Original poster
PartyFops · 18/08/2015 18:06

Cabrinhah, yes the wine thing probably is more about spending time together.

He doesn't necessarily have to work evenings, at least not as long as he does. He does some work but also a lot of reading web sites etc ( no porn involved I'm pretty sure).

I feel the sex thing has gone too far to get back from. I think I resent him too much. Maybe that could improve in future. He is also very unadventurous when it comes to sex which makes it less enticing.

Maybe I'm realising that whatever I want I want it with another person.

OP posts:
SevenSeconds · 18/08/2015 18:09

Have you considered counselling? I don't think any of these issues would be impossible to recover from as long as you're both committed to making it work.

Original poster
PartyFops · 18/08/2015 18:13

He is kind and generous, honest he is. He makes me breakfast in the morning, he buys me nice things.

This is the hard thing. We are very lucky to live where we live, we have a lovely house, lovely family.

But I just feel so lonely and un fulfilled. If he does come down stairs to watch TV, he insists on watching something he wants, if I am watching something I like he goes back off upstairs.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 18/08/2015 18:15

Everything you've said sounds fixable if you both want it to be.

But it won't get any better if you frame it in your mind as imperfections to just live with. This is the core of your relationship that is rotting. You need to take action, not waste way thinking it's better for your child. It isn't.

SevenSeconds · 18/08/2015 18:16

Does your DH know what a serious problem this is for you? Ie that you're thinking of leaving?

Original poster
PartyFops · 18/08/2015 18:19

He honestly just thinks it's me causing a fuss and that maybe my period is due.

I don't think he thinks I would consider leaving. I don't think I could afford to leave.

OP posts:
SlaggyIsland · 18/08/2015 18:20

It sounds really lonely.

Cabrinha · 18/08/2015 18:21

You will not make a rational decision until you know you can leave.
You will put up with shit if you think you can't.
You need to work out how you can separate, practically and financially. You don't have to do it, but you need to know that you can.

Then you'll find you have a clearer head to make the decision.

SugarOnTop · 20/08/2015 00:12

he might be gay.

Smilingforth · 20/08/2015 08:19

I think you need to have a full and frank conversation. Communication is key in most relationships and it sounds like you don't really talk

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 20/08/2015 08:29

he might be gay.

FFS, only on mumsnet

Tryharder · 20/08/2015 09:37

He's not lazy if he's working all day and into the evenings.

Do you work OP? If you don't and you only have one child then it's a bit much to moan when you have to do the gardening etc and he's working all day.

The no sex and lack of companionship issue I agree and sympathise with. Your DH needs to make time to spend with you in the evenings or at some point during the day if you dont work yourself. Is there any reason why he needs to with into the evenings.

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