How do I get over this?

[Sinkingships]

I posted on here a little while ago about the fact that my DC's are currently living with my parents due to SS.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with what I have lost and honestly don't know how I'm going to cope living the rest of my life like this.

I was going through some boxes of stuff the other day and came across a load of baby things and photos from the DC's and I just broke down. It's the same if I see anything posted about them on facebook, or at any occasion in the year when it's all about families (easter, summer, christmas, etc).

Anything to do with kids at all really sets me off and upsets me, even going to the supermarket at the moment is difficult as everything is about back to school stuff and I can't bear it.

Living in the town I live in, going to places we used to go together, driving past the house we used to live in, its just so painful sometimes I can't bear it.

I know there is always the possibility that I could get them back at some point but I don't know if I could cope with going through the whole process with the courts and SS again. I'm so traumatised from the last time that I don't know if I could prove that I was fully fit again, and if I tried and lost I don't think I could go through all that again, or put the DC's through it. So I have to accept the possibilty that this is my life now and this is how it will be forever, or at least until they are 18 and can come home.

But I cant. How can I live my whole life like this? Bursting into tears every time I see something that reminds me of them and the life we had together that they took away from us?

SS made me make a 'life story' book for the DC's, even though they haven't been adopted (don't know why) and honestly, it was like torture. Forcing me to go through all of our photos of our happy family life, knowing that I will never have that with them again, how fucking cruel is that?

I will never have another family either, I don't feel it would be fair to my DC's to have any more children so that is closed to me forever now.

Just don't know how I can carry on like this. It sounds awful to compare it to death as I've never lost anyone but I feel like at least if you are bereaved there is an element of acceptance and closure that you eventually get to, and people are understanding about it. I can't even talk about it with anyone as I'm so afraid of being judged. Even talking about it on here is very difficult for me.

I'm so consumed with anger, pain and guilt about the whole thing. I'm furious at the people who did this to us, ripped our family apart and then just washed their hands of me.

I don't want to carry all of this with me but how do I let is go? I feel like I won't ever be truly happy until I have proved that they were wrong and I have my children back but I have to accept that may never happen :(

I was talking to my sister yesterday and apparently ExH has been badmouthing me to my parents, saying how the DC's are so much better off with my parents and how he's much happier that they are with them etc etc.

I am incandescent with fury at hearing this. I just cannot believe the absolutely indescribably cheek and hypocrisy of this statement, considering he knows exactly how badly he treated me & the DC's. It was his fault I had to go through all of that trauma with SS in the first place, I worked and studied for years to support him & the DC's and now he's critisising me and the way I cared for the children? I just don't even know what to say to him. I can't even afford to divorce him at the moment. Just want to get rid of his name and have him out of my life for good but I can't even do that.

Could you deed poll your name to change it? AFAIK it's free.

Glad you have supportive tutors at uni and I hope it will be a positive experience for you. You sound like you are making the steps you need to.

If you are on a low income ( and it isn't as low as you may think) you can get a fee exemption for the cost of lodging a divorce petition at court. If there is no money/property to divide, a do it yourself divorce is simply a matter of filling the forms in. (Three copies) I did it myself for first marriage. There is a sliding scale of payment from 0-100% of the cost reduced. It really is easy if you have the time. There is a booklet that you get with the forms which explains how you do it. (There is also a lot of advice on the web under DIY divorce. You get the forms from your local county court. They are also free.

Very sad. Can you talk with your sister to let your steam off. There is no easy solution to your immediate proximity problem I'm afraid.

In the meantime my thoughts are with you

I do talk to my sister smiling, she is wonderful and very supportive too but unfortunately most of the time when I bring it up she just says that I have to accept that this is the way it is now and it's not going to change. She hasn't said it in these exact words but I'm fairly sure by the way she talks that she thinks I will never get them back. I'm not angry at her for thinking this, I think she just doesn't want me to get my hopes up in case it doesn't ever happen because she knows it would destroy me if I tried to get them back and failed.

Lamp, I am extremely grateful for the tutors I had (and will have), I honestly think I would have given up, as this all happened in the middle of the academic year and I had to take a month off. I was so depressed I just couldn't get out of bed and defiantly couldn't even think about doing college work. The first time I went to visit them they were upset when I left (as you can expect) but I didn't want them to see me cry so I remainied cheerful and upbeat and held my tears in for the whole 5 hour journey home. Then when I got home and I was alone I just cried all night.

I am so used to doing certain things, like putting objects out of Ds' reach so he can't destroy them or hurt himself, and locking the door when I come in the house so he can't run off. I still do those things even though he isn't with me. If I hear a noise when I'm on my own I still automatically jump up because I think it's one of the DC's and then it hits me like a sledgehammer when I realise that they aren't there.

Thank you kittens, I will look into that. I have some time before uni starts so that would probably be the best time to do it.