8 months on...

[Fairydust7715]

Posted in January about my fwb dying and never getting to tell him I was actually in love with him, not sure how to link my last post.

Not even sure why I am posting but feel like I can only say how I am really feeling to strangers.

I am still missing him like crazy but put on a brave face to my kids and colleagues but it feels like I am just getting through life as best as I can.
Now for the truly honest truth which I can't bear to tell anyone in real life, I am sleeping with anyone who will have me, I meet men off the Internet, from pubs, nights out, as long as they want me I let them have me.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself but for that few hours I feel wanted, I miss him so much I just want him back, to let him know how much he meant to me.

Don't even know who I am anymore but know he would hate what I have become.

I'm so sorry. Do you have friends you can confide in or have you thought of talking with a bereavement support group?

Do you think you may be punishing yourself (there's nothing wrong with sleeping with random blokes if you enjoy it, but it sounds as though you don't, really) because you feel guilty about not letting your fwb know you cared? That you let him die without giving him that gift?

It doesn't matter whether he would hate your current behaviour though. He's not here to see it. Were he still around you wouldn't be doing it. So how he would have felt is way beside the point. It's how you feel about it that matters. Btw you haven't "become" anything. You are still you. You're just reacting to loss in a way that isn't characteristic of you and doesn't seem to be helping very much. That's actually fairly normal.

Anniegetyourgun well said

Fairydust - it's not your fault.

Tx

I think Annie is spot on.

OP, have you spoken to anyone in your life about your grief? You are bottling it up and it's coming out in unexpected ways.

Would you be able to see a private counsellor who specialises in bereavement and complex grief? If you can't afford weekly sessions you could always look for fortnightly or monthly. You can search by area and specialism here: BACP

I agree - without professional help this is going to be very hard