Constant rows with DM

[GreenGoth89]

Me and my ma have had a difficult relationship since I left home at 15. 4 years ago we decided to share a house as we both needed to recover after a difficult time after losing my grandmother. I then got ill and for the past 3 years she has spent most of her time helping me out, leaving behind a small business. We're both quick tempered at times, and I am prone to the odd shouting match. But we were getting on fairly ok up until 3 months ago when my DP and DSS moved in. She has made it very clear that they are not the cause (its my attitude) but she is now saying she'll go away and not help me as she was due to the lack of respect/not listening to her/always taking other people's side etc. I've asked her how me respecting her would look (because as much as I do respect her and love her to bits, I can't agree with everything she does i.e. her OTT reactions to the smallest things - like an arguement over a dirty tissue left on the bathroom floor), and I never get a clear answer. I love her a lot but tonight she got really angry because my DP's dad hadn't called her with information about a favour she's doing for him tomorrow. I called her up on getting angry with me about something someone else has done and she flipped, and has now said she's effectively removing her support.

These ongoing arguments is causing issue with me and my partner (who has suggested he should leave), I can't sleep at night and its turning me into a nervous wreck.

What can I do? I'm not saying I'm not in the wrong but I need to make this situation better. Shes the only relative I have.

Your Dp and his child moving in were bound to change the dynamics of your relationship. If you can live independently of her live in support I would definitely think about living apart.

I think moving out, If practicable, may be a good idea. Have you tried having sitting down with you mum in a relaxed environment and having an open conversation.

Well, what is your attitude? She's given up her business to be your carer and taken you into her home. She's taken in your boyfriend and his child. Do you have a lack of respect for her and her home?

It must be very hard for her to have her adult daughter and boyfriend and child under her feet.

I may be barking up the wrong tree but the reference to the OTT reaction to a dirty tissue on the bathroom floor set alarm bells ringing.

Maybe she feels resentful that her space is invaded and feels irritated she has to pick up after grown adults.

It's her home is that right? You don't have a home of your own, so in a way your mother is doing all the heavy lifting of running and financing the home?

The truth as nearly always the case is somewhere between the concerns of the two people. You've got to talk

Scarlet OP states that she and her mother decided to share a house so doesn't sound like it's the mum's home.

OP I went through similar with my mum, also after my grandmother died. My mum had to sell her house as she'd given up work to care for my grandma and hadn't bothered applying for any benefits. So she moved in with me to my rented place.

All was okay as long as I didn't ever say a word against her and allowed her to insult me, my son (not resident) and anyone else she felt like. Then I met a fella and he moved in as well. It fell to bits within about a month because he wouldn't put up with her bullshit. (Said bullshit included going in the fridge after he'd put shopping away and throwing "his" food in the bin.)

She moved out. If you want to maintain a relationship with your mum, that would probably be best. If you need physical care e.g. getting out of bed etc that your DP can't help with, contact adult services at social services for help.

No this is my house, she came to live with me to help out. I've just been told that I've got to have a op in october so she's going away for a bit and then coming back to help out and stop DSS jumping on me when I have internal stitches!

I think her moving out would be the best but i have no idea where shes going to go or how she's going to support herself and that worries me. I do need some physical care but in some ways I'd rather struggle than have anyone other than my DP or DM do it. Its horrible having other people help me with personal care, I feel like I lose whats left of my dignity.

I agree with you about personal dignity, but when the price is having to be someone you're not...?

If your mum is over 55, she can apply for a place in sheltered housing and should be able to get housing benefit on top of pension/income support.

Perhaps she feels your dp should be the one to help you out now?

It all sounds a bit overcrowded and uncomfortable. Is she officially your carer?

I've had other people do it for me and it makes me really down. I'd rather someone kept an eye on DSS (I.e. DM) and let DP help me. He does help me a lot but it's really hard looking after a very hyperactive 3 y/o and helping me too. We have household help through social services but she's just about to leave. DP is officially my carer and there's no chance she would go into sheltered housing, she would rather be living in her friend's spare bedroom.

If you are entitled to help through social services but your carer is about to leave, then surely she will be replaced?

You can't expect your mother to live with you just to perform the role of keeping an eye on your step son while your dp cares for you?

It sounds as though you and your mum could do with your own space now.

I have to sort out a new person as she's not directly employed by social services.

No I don't, but one minute she wants to play grandma and the next she's had enough. She complains if I ask DP to do something instead of her but then when I don't I'm too reliant on her. There seems like no balance that can be struck.

I agree we need our own space, but I really would like things to end on a good note. Right now she seems determined to make it really horrible especially whilst DP and DSS are away for a couple of days.