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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed

19 replies

KatieRiley1986 · 17/08/2015 21:42

I posted earlier in the wrong place, hopwfully here is right. I'm unsure what to do and have no one to talk to about things. My husband comes home from work, has his dinner and then sleeps the majority of the evening. Weekends he tends to have two naps a day lasting 1-3 hours each. I look after my 1 year old daughter all week and rarely get a break or any help from family. When my husband is awake he is usually cross at me. Mostly because I can no longer bring myself to have sex with him as its always all about him and it just hurts me physically. My husband does one or two little tasks around the house and I do the rest. My toddler is very intense and most of the day is spent with her tantruming. I am so fed up. He is on anti depressants, but they don't do much. I wish I had the guts to leave, but I don't. I feel like a single parent.

Thanks for the reply about having a serious talk, but unfortunately as soon as I try that I generally just get names thrown my way and it becomes impossible.

I feel like I cant leave as this is a second marriage and would feel so much shame if I left. Also I think my partner would ruin my relationship with my family and me as I have lied to them in the past and they do not know.

I feel like I have made my bed and now have to lie in it.

Thank you if anyone reads this. I feel so unimportant to anybody.

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 17/08/2015 21:44

Leave. You have no life, things can only get better. What were the lies about? Would your family not forgive them, and just want you to be happy?

newnamesamegame · 17/08/2015 21:52

Leave. Or get him to.
I was in your position a year ago. It got to the point where I had no life.
If someone doesn't help you, doesn't respect you and doesn't enrich your life and is abusive to you when you stand up for yourself you have no other option.

You will feel a hundred times better without him than you do with this half life. Trust me.

Original poster

KatieRiley1986 · 17/08/2015 21:53

Honestly i dont think they would forgive me.

I left a very abusive marriage, fell in to deep depression. Met my now husband and felt so happy that someone cared. I got married behind my parents back (whilst on anti depressants, that made me not care) then pretended that we only just got married.

I really have screwed everything up for me and my daughter.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 17/08/2015 21:55

Oh lovey - you're important to your child, and most importantly you have to get yourself back to a place where you realise you're important to YOU.

YOU have to care about your own happiness.

Frankly, who cares if it's a second marriage? Is anyone's opinion worth your being unhappy?

Are your lies to your family really so bad they won't forgive you? Will they think he's lying and shit stirring anyway? Bet they don't like him anyway!

Start working out the practical steps to end this. Don't have sex with a man who hurts you.

What's worse - a little bit of embarrassment for a short period whilst you end this, or years and years of feeling this way and that only getting worse?

When you end a relationship that isn't working, feel PROUD not embarrassed

Cabrinha · 17/08/2015 21:59

Two ways that lie goes:

Your parents forgive you. They love you and they just feel sad that things were so hard for you.

They have their own agenda and don't forgive you - in which case, frankly, they're arseholes that you don't need in your life!

I am serious about that!
So you made a mistake when you were in a bad place. That is NOT unforgivable.

I'm a mum now, though my daughter's still a child. If she rocked up on my doorstep and said "I've made a mistake" I'd give her a hug and say "nothing that can't be fixed little one".

If your parents aren't the ones to support you through undoing the mistake, screw them. Speak to Women's Aid, speak to people in here. People care.

DragonsCanHop · 17/08/2015 21:59

Don't allow yourself to feel he has a hold over you. I bet your family would forgive you no matter what. I would for my DDs.

Original poster

KatieRiley1986 · 17/08/2015 22:00

Thank you for your replies.

I know that what you are all saying is the right thing to do.

But I feel so pathetic, that I feel I could not cope to leave.
I am too scared to get a job, to go to the shops. To do anything on my own. Im to scared to even go to the park!

Do you think I should see a doctor, perhaps some anxiety medication?

OP posts:

Original poster

KatieRiley1986 · 17/08/2015 22:02

I think my parents wouldnt support me.

Years ago i spoke to womens aid and they told me i wasnt at risk enough for them to help me. I felt even more worthless.

I feel like I cant leave with no support.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 17/08/2015 22:05

Go to the doctors and do the freedom programme too.

Original poster

KatieRiley1986 · 17/08/2015 22:11

I will call the dr tomorrow and thank you for your suggestion

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 17/08/2015 22:16

Very sad that you feel your parents wouldn't support you - and if you feel that, I'm sure that has it's part to play in your depression, anxiety, feeling unable to cope and your choice of men.

Definitely go to your GP and telling them how you're feeling, find out if there are support services in your area.

You can do this, without your parents.

mindyourown15 · 17/08/2015 22:19

you left one abusive relationship and got into another while you were vulnerable, and you married at haste to the wrong man. That is not your fault. I am concerned you say your husband hurts you.

Please call Women's Aid and gather support you need to leave. This is not your fault. I wonder if growing up you were treated badly by your family too?

Original poster

KatieRiley1986 · 18/08/2015 08:16

Thank you for your replies.
I wasn't treated badly by my parents much, just smacked as a child, emotional needs didn't get met much and I never gained much confidence.
I managed to have a serious conversation this morning on the phone with my husband. I told him I am considering leaving, that I am fed up of feeling bullied and that in regards to the bedroom he needs to accept that I don't feel comfortable and that there are other ways for intamacy.
I am going to go to the doctors still. I think I need to learn to stand up for myself more so I am not treated as a door mat.

Thank you for all your support.

OP posts:

mindyourown15 · 18/08/2015 09:35

I would say you were treated badly by your parents tbh. Will you all Women's Aid? They can help you. I don't think this is going to be solved by you telling him to change or you standing up for yourself.

Smilingforth · 18/08/2015 10:21

Good on you for having the direct conversation with your DP. Be proud.

Original poster

KatieRiley1986 · 18/08/2015 12:07

Im unsure about calling womens aid. Im not dealing with domestic violence. Its more a case of lack of respect and my husband not pulling his weight. My husband is a stronger character and also quite selfish. I feel like we have got to this point now because of all of those reasons and by the fact I dont seem to get my points across or heard. I feel like I should give my husband a chance and some time to change and that if that does not happen I will choose to leave. I think he needs a wake up call, but I am unsure how to do that. I really lack in self esteem, does anyone know if anti-depressants are likely to help with that? I have been through years of counselling and seen different counselors. But I dont seem to have improved my self esteem. Some days I really do feel like such a loser. I see a pattern in most of my previous relationships and also a lack of respect in friendships. I think there is a large element to do with myself letting these things happen?

OP posts:

mindyourown15 · 18/08/2015 12:15

If he is always cross with you and hurts you when you have sex then it most certainly is domestic violence. The pattern seems to be that you keep choosing abusive men. It is not your fault that you 'let things happen'. I am sorry but it looks to me that you are minimising hugely.

Original poster

KatieRiley1986 · 18/08/2015 12:41

Im not sure I have explained myself properly or you may be right that I am minimising things. Sorry for to much detail, but when we try to have sex I find it painful and then we stop. We have not had sex for months because of this reason. He does often ask for sex but I choose not to. Its not that he is hurting me, its that the act itself hurts me. I hope that makes sence.

He is cross with me more than the average person and yes thats definately not ok.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 18/08/2015 18:24

Has sex always been painful?
See the doctor to rule out a physical cause, but I suspect it's painful because your mind and body are telling you that you don't want sex - with him.

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