Why is it one rule for him and another or me? I tried to give him everything!

[teaandcake2016]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a bit of support and reassurance. I have been with my partner for 2years. We've had lots of arguments (usually fortnightly- I tried to keep the peace but they still happened). He would Often end it with me, about once a month at least, through very nasty text messages, and lots of name calling. Of course a few days later he would be sorry and we ended up back together.

Things came to a head recently, and for the first time ever I told him it was over. I didn't swear, I wasn't rude. I explained why.

Why am I now bombarded with messages from him calling me all sorts of vile names, and that he should have chosen another woman (who has always been in the background)?

I've never been nasty to him, even when I am angry. Why is it ok for him to end it every month without me being nasty back, but when I end it for the first time after doing my best to make us work, I receive all these nasty messages ;(

I can see why lots of women choose to be single !

don't engage with him

he will suck you back in (like all the times he did before) and you will be back to square one

these people are headfuckers....and he will keep headfucking you until he manoeuvres you into a position where he gets to be The Dumper again

mark my words

You have done the right thing, never fear. Your heart will catch up with your head.

The end of a relationship is always sad, whether it was good or bad. It's the loss of that hope, that future you thought you had. But this relationship, it wouldn't have given you the future you wanted. You would have been treading on eggshells or much of it, trying to keep the peace, wondering what might set him off, avoiding saying the truth in case it made him leave again, waiting for those nasty texts, watching the cycle go round again and again. On and on into the future.

Your child would have grown up in that atmosphere. No. Horrible.

You want your child to dance, to sing, to laugh, to cry, in freedom. So do you. Now you will. xx

How are you doing teaandcake?

Best to block him so you can't engage with him. He won't like it, but that isn't your problem. He needs to know that you're not going back, that it's over and he can't treat you badly anymore.

Keep posting if you feel yourself being drawn back to him. He may try to get you back as AnyFucker says - to be the dumper rather than the dumpee. Don't give him that satisfaction.

How far are you into your pregnancy?

How far gone are you? Forgive me if you've already said

I'm 36 weeks and recently ended a needlessly difficult relationship. I got sick of all the horrible crap that XP always threw my way. You'll be fine, just stay strong and resolute. Only engage with communication to do with the baby - believe me, if you do end up in a courtroom for any reason, keeping him in the loop is a good thing you don't have to tolerate any other bullshit from him

I'm 18 weeks at the moment, it's my first.

I'm doing ok thank you (lots of it is down to you on here!). Just about to go to bed - made myself a warm milk like a child - haven't done that for years!

What a day - and thank you all for taking the time to read and respond x

Feelthenoise - wow, not long to go at all! Well done for being strong.

Op. I endded up single at 24-ish weeks about 9years ago. Actually gave the ex the heave ho on April 1st. Seems very apt now ;) he was abusive, completely disconnected from me after 4 years.

You will get through it. In fact the whole pregnancy was plain sailing with him not there.

Also remember you do not have to have him at any doctor appointments. Bear in mind the appointments are for you and your medical care is private. I had this with my ex. He insisted on going to everything and tried to lay down plans for MY birth making it all very difficult for me. Needless to say I made staff aware and they didn't let him into the any of the appointments. He also gave me hell for getting seriously ill post birth but that's another story. Again the staff have him he'll for his attitude. He was throwing a wobbly with them. He chanced it and tried to get back with me the day after the birth by trying to make me jealous with all the women he had! For a sexual repressed man I laughed.

My top tips - get yourself someone who can advocate for you now. Mum, a friend, anyone. Esp someone who can stay with you during the first weeks post birth because you'll be at your most vulnerable then. I had my gran stay much to my irritation but I swear she keeps a house brick in her bag and the ex stayed away until I was ready!

Find any of his details that will make the financials post birth easy for Maintenance. NI number and name is usually enough. I can see an idiot like this holding you to ransom over contact and support. Take it out the equation ASAP.

I would, to start with, not put his name on the certificate. You can add it later so don't feel pressured to do it esp if you feel he could become aggressive or the verbal abuse could escalate. It's not selfishness or being vindictive it's about protecting you and your child. Again. You can add it after if you feel comfortable doing so. For me however, I felt the best choice was to leave it off. Glad I went with my gut on that one now (long story)

My DS doesn't have his fathers name on his and it has proven invaluable.

For the baby and you will probably hate this idea right now but do it. Get a shoe box and fill it will mementos, photos, anything of your relationship with your ex. If he decides to do a runner (likely based on my personal experience anyway) you'll have a box to give baby when the time is right about their dad. I did one for my boy and have some of the gifts ex bought me, photos, letters from paternal grandparents showing their complete lack of interest. It's not much but when baby grows up it'll be a enough. My boy hasn't seen it yet. He's not ready but it's way more than I had about my dad.

It's about preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

He may turn around. He may change although MN experiences show abusivr behaviour escalates in pregnancy and post birth.

I'm sure some other MNers will have some great tips to help go it alone too ????

You poor thing, how stressful. I dated one of these for 6 months once. He was obviously mad, as yours is. You need to cut him out of your life and move on, because these losers are incapable of conducting a stable adult relationship, and they will never change. It's probably all down to the relationships he witnessed in childhood, but you don't have to make that your problem. Focus on your baby, stay strong and good luck. Having a baby changes everything. You're going to be fine without this man.

Help ladies,
Met my partner 8 years ago- had quite an emotionally abusive relationship, always being accused, actually really lost myself - anyways long story short he cheated on me at 6 months pregnant (after 4 early Mc) I left him and stayed clear for 4 years GO ME
Recently we reconnected and I finally was ready for him to be part of my daughters life again and mine (I still loved him) and he has been lovely for 6 months now the cracks are starting to show- everything is my fault, I haven't changed, I'm going to end up alone, his going to leave (when we argue) he'll be my biggest regret. Basically emotional abuse.
He is currently sitting downstairs on my sofa after a row telling me when he leaves in the morning I will never hear from him again. Mixed emotions but I don't want to let him treat me like this!
Currently 13 weeks and I love him but I don't like him.

@Gaga87 Darl’, you need to post a new thread in a different area. This thread is 6 years old!