Hello
Am not in a good place today and need the comfort of others' opinions.
Am on holiday 2000 miles from home with my h and dc, staying with (or very near rather as he rented a place for us not wanting us all at his 
, 
) my Dad.
We came here two years ago but it was just me and the dc that time as h had to work. He has come this time even though he does not really like it here. He even said that he was looking forward to the journey but not the time here (we came by overnight train) and that he thought 2 weeks was too long to stay. So already this has made me a bit nervous. I have some family visits planned (my mother was from the place we are visiting) but things like wondering around the city, which I love, are really not up my h's street. Plus he has a way of making his displeasure felt.
For context I should say that we are a few months out of a very difficult 2 or 3 years relationship wise and one of the characteristics of how awful it was was long periods where he would not talk. I might also not be talking the first couple of days after an argument but I would then get over it and try to resume contact, to find that he could maintain the same stony distance for weeks. it would then take a superhuman effort on my part to get him to communicate again.
We had a massive crisis in about April (as well as a massive one in roughly February of 2014) to the point that both those times I went to see a solicitor to see what would happen in the event of a divorce. After the crisis this April however, I decided that the last thing I wanted was a divorce and that I would rather try and improve things. And this is kind of what happened. We were still having flare ups that would result in maybe half a day's silence but then we would go back to talking. I would not say that we were communicating very openly but we were quite good on a chit chatty level.
Two things that I find difficult are that he shows me no day to day physical affection - no hugs or just general touching, whereas he is very affectionate with the dc. I have asked him about this many times but he always says that they are little and I am not... Sex is also rare but good when it happens, mostly initiated by me. So though it is fairly often companionable between us, I would not say that it is a relationship in the real sense of the word. The other difficult thing is that I am not named on the house deeds and he therefore has ultimate financial control. This is another thing which he refuses to discuss, and he is deeply suspicious of my possible reasons for wanting to be on the deeds.
Out of the two issues it is the lack of affection which I find harder but I suppose that you learn to live with (or without!) stuff and in any case I often tell myself that living apart from the dc I don't know how much of the time (and they are getting to an age where they can decide who they want to live with) would be worse than living without physical affection.
One thing that I suppose has happened as a result of never being touched is that I have lost confidence. I am 46 now and part of me feels that maybe he never touches me because since I am older than I was he simply no longer fancies me. That would not explain the lack of affection I suppose. Then I tell himself that maybe, since he is 12 years older than me, he has had a dip in testosterone which has meant that he wants sex less, basically. I also tell myself that he is often tired as the job he does is often physical and that that is why he does not have the energy to touch me. Then I think that actually he is able to cuddle the kids despite being so tired so in that case he would also be able to give me the odd hug - I really am not asking for much.
But I look at myself in the mirror and see myself getting older and wonder what is left for me? Is this what it is like? But at 46 I am not ready to never feel like a woman again, or like someone who is really liked.
So that is kind of it for context (sorry, long context!).
What happened today was that we were watching some TV where we are staying and the presenter was very made up and a bit doll like. H was watching as well and was discussing her manner and how she was looking at the camera in a notice me kind of way even though the programme was supposed to be a fairly serious one. So I asked him if he thought she was attractive (as in to him) and he said that she looked very young (though I think she was in her mid 30s probably though young looking, not that he fancies young girls 
and was very pretty but he did not know what she would look like as a middle aged frumpy peron (or words to that effect ) like the ladies who were standing behind her in the shot (who to me looked more than middle aged) .
So then I was really sorry that I asked as this unleashed a kind of long held in feeling in me. I have often wondered if he no longer touches me because I am just too old now and past it in his eyes. No longer good enough to fancy all the time but necessary to look after the dc etc... Him saying that this woman looked very young and is very pretty I somehow read as being confirmation that he does not fancy me because I am indeed middle aged 
. And that's before we even begin to discuss the fact that he was derogatory about the other ladies in the shot.
So I guess I shouldn't have asked him. Also instead of just asking him straight whether he no longer fancies me and why he never touches me, I then went into "OH SO THAT'S WHY YOU NO LONGER TOUCH ME" mode. I guess because he would never give me a straight answer in any case so there is no point trying to be straight, but I was trying to hamfistedly externalise how I felt.
I brought out the rubbish and told him I was justifying my existence, again cracking a stupid self-diminishing joke. I made some crack about putting myself in the bin (as I was putting a "bag" into it) and he said I would be too big for it (I am about a stone overweight) .
What I would really like is for him to say I am attractive but he never does whereas he is always telling the dc how pretty they are.
I also said that I could live with the lack of attention from him, well I couldn't really but something would happen one day that would change things and he said "good" 
.
So that's how I was feeling this morning. All the feelings which I squash down all the time when I see how gentle and affectionate he is with the dc were all at the surface and coming out in ridiculous ways.
THEN the part which really put the nail in the coffin of any relating happening today:
I need to call my Dad but asked to do it from h's phone as he had already started using his £2 a day calling from abroad fee and there was no point in starting the one from my phone. It turned out he did not have that particular number in his contacts so I started looking in his logs as I knew my Dad had called him today. The first name I saw in logs so they must have either texted or spoken on the phone today was in caps (though some of his contacts are in caps) and is the name of someone who used to work for him a long long time ago and whom I used to sometimes wonder whether he had feelings for. I don't know if it is this person or someone who has the same name.
Things happened very quickly then. He asked me if he could have his phone back in the kind of way that made me think he didn't want me to look at his stuff. (He was also like that earlier on in the day when I had a hold of his phone for some reason (trying to download whatsapp for him as he had asked our son and he hadn't been able to do it) and he had asked for it back in a kind of way saying I would not like it if he had my phone.) He then found my Dad's number, got it ringing for me and handed me back the phone. But by then I was feeling really terrible about seeing this name in his logs, let the phone ring twice but then hung up and handed the phone back to h, then left the room. I presume he realised why I did that as a moment later he shouted "stupid child" from the kitchen. We have not spoken since.
So now I am left massively speculating as to why he was in contact with this person while on holiday, and exactly who she is. This also presses a lot of my buttons and I start to project and think that of course the reason he never touches me is because actually there is someone else?? Of course just a name that he called today (or who called him) does not mean that he is having an affair. It could have been for work as he has been doing some work while here. If it is the woman from a long time ago (unless he has been in touch with her all along - also it is not the first time it has seemed he does not want me to have his phone but I kind of assumed it was a general privacy thing as I too do not want him to have my phone really and I am definitely not having an affair) I am upset that he would not mention that he had been in touch with her as I knew her as well. If it is somebody else I wonder who it could be. I will have to ask him at some point but of course now he is not talking to me so I don't know when that will be and whether I will get a straight answer.
So we went out this afternoon, not speaking, looking at the beautiful things in this town but as far away from each other as possible, with the dc split between both of us. He then did not come out for dinner with us this evening when we met my Dad and my sister who is out here as well.
So I find myself thinking that actually I am tired of this. Tired of feeling unwanted and unattractive. Tired of the things we can't talk about. Tired of his secrecy (he concealed a property he had bought for about 9 months when I found out, and that was one of the main reasons for our massive crisis in April). Tired of the fact that he is never going to tell me what he really feels about anything. Tired of how detached he has always been and remains. Tired of the silences.
So I feel massively lonely and wonder whether I am overreacting. Please be gentle as I realise I may sound slightly on the odd side!