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Original poster

crush/relationship doldrums just so sad!!

14 replies

hollowhills7 · 16/08/2015 00:32

Hi well here goes with being 100% honest to you....i dare not tell anyone in the real world.
I am sure there will be people ready to tell me off for being selfish & crap!!
I'm 40, my partner and I have 2 amazing kids and we are dedicated but stressed parents . We both work full time and he works weekends and comes home late so i get what feels like double the childcare duties. Since returning to work 8 months ago i have been stressed, depressed and tearful a lot. I earn over twice what my partner does. Everything seems to depend on me , i organise our lives, i cook, shop, clean..... we moved into a big expensive house a year ago which is a money pit and sometimes i really regret this as it's added financial strain on top of everything . The house was bought with my money and is only on my name.
Sex has been very infrequent with us since our first child 5 years ago. We rarely do it and this is something he obviously gets frustrated about and resentful. I have basically been too bloody tired for the last 6 years! And now i can't say i fancy him much!
I did always want to get married- i rushed us to have kids due to my biological clock. I said i would like to as a 40th thing....not happened though and we never talk of marriage. We were only together a year ish before I got pregnant. He was and still is a great person and partner but he was also in the right place at the right time.
I do find i respect him less due the financial difference between us and this gets worse with the pressures im under.
Ok...scene set....ive started working with a man 5 years my junior who is flirting like a devil with me! I seem powerless to resist flirting back! He has been all i think about this week. He's single , no kids. I keep daydreaming about how we would make it work.....he has asked me out twice.
On paper this looks like my dull relationship has made me a desperate fantasist.
But we all do know people who have started again and their kids have survived. It does happen.
Before this guy came on the scene i had already had many thoughts regarding splitting up but realistically that looked even more of a nightmare than being in a relationship where you're together for the kids. Id not considered someone else could come along.
Ok...responses please...am i just the usual mid life crisis in action?

OP posts:
Atenco · 16/08/2015 03:12

Mmm, well I suppose if you don't love your partner any more... but it sounds more like you are both working yourselves into the ground for the sake of a bloody house.

My take on this is that you need to downsize. Your partner may earn less than you but it sounds like he is also working like a demon and neither of you have time to enjoy each other or the children. Swapping partners will not help.

Smilingforth · 16/08/2015 06:51

I agree - your lives are too hectic. It's impossible to make this work for too long unless there is a true partnership

Lavenderice · 16/08/2015 11:07

FFS can you imagine if this was a bloke.

The house is in my name only because it was bought with my money.....

There's this women at work......

Original poster
hollowhills7 · 16/08/2015 16:37

Points above taken.
Question - how much are you supposed to sacrifice of yourself for your kids and keeping the family parental unit together?

OP posts:
Atenco · 16/08/2015 16:49

For you kids, nearly everything but you don't have to stay in an unhappy relationship.

However you only say that you dislike your partner because he doesn't earn as much as you do, even though it sounds like he works around the clock to help you pay for an expensive house and that as the house is yours it will be easy to get rid.

I would first get a more affordable house that allows you and your partner more free time and then see if the relationship works.

And yes the house is in your name, but if he's been slogging his guts out to pay for it, would you feel entitled to kick him out with nothing to show for it

spudlike1 · 16/08/2015 18:00

You sound a bit selfish ..sorry to say ..but you do .

AnyFucker · 16/08/2015 18:30

how predictable

Twinklestein · 16/08/2015 19:04

This OM is just a catalyst for you to confront the fact that your relationship is not working.

The fact that your partner earns less is not so much of an issue as the fact since you've returned to work FT you are doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, organisation and, it seems the bulk of the childcare too.

You could tell him he's got to step up, but I don't get the sense you love or respect him any more, so it would be more sensible just to call it a day.

The fact you never married is in your favour if you bought the house and it's in your name. It sounds like you need to downsize anyway. So you could find a smaller house and he could move to a flat nearby.

The OM is just a fantasy, it's a way of allowing yourself to imagine not being in this relationship. But don't confuse fantasy and reality. Flirting/dating a hot 40something at work does not mean this guy wants to take on your kids. He's just in it for shit and giggles. Don't make a fool of yourself.

Focus your energy on downsizing, ending things with your partner and organising a life that is more manageable.

I'm sure you'll find a partner more right for you in the long term, but you need to be single.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 16/08/2015 19:57

Split up from your partner if you want to and think it's run its course. But don't think the grass is greener with anyone else. After the initial rush of excitement is over it's always going to be back to normal life: children, work, bills, housework.

Please don't get involved with this man at work - you could end up with a lot of egg on your face. An affair would hurt your partner and children and it will make you look bad at work. The other man has nothing to lose but you do. And do you really think he's worth it? A man who actively seeks to get involved with a woman who is already in a relationship and has chn isn't a great catch. It's just a game for him.

But if you really do think he's worth it then finish your current relationship first. If he thinks so much of you he will wait.

Original poster
hollowhills7 · 16/08/2015 21:24

Thanks the last 2 commentators were really balanced and helpful. I do think i have been bowled over by a silver tongued show off at work and i need to gain some self respect before my work suffers. Some of his comments last week were in an open office and even i in my daze thought others would raise eyebrows!
Today i felt lucky to have my man and wondered why i was being so miserable about him.
Thanks all for your comments (well the constructive ones not the 'how dare you be a person outside of being a mother get back to the kitchen sink' stuff you have no idea about my life it's not all on this message board!). Xx

OP posts:
Atenco · 16/08/2015 22:17

how dare you be a person outside of being a mother get back to the kitchen sink

Who said that?

AnyFucker · 16/08/2015 22:35

typical self justifying bollocks, that

no-one said anything of the sort

if you were a bloke, you would have been ripped to shreds

spudlike1 · 17/08/2015 09:52

We're giving you an honest view based upon the facts you have given .
Really pleased you've decided not to :

  1. Make a fool of yourself at work.
  2. Mistreat your DH because he doesn't earn enough .
3 . Continue to play the martyr/ victim because you do all the chores.

Well you did ask Smile

spudlike1 · 17/08/2015 11:36

Can you get some time off work ..take a break ...find ways to enjoy life a bit more .

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