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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners family make me feel uncomfortable and low

23 replies

Ohla19 · 15/08/2015 20:36

I've been with my partner for more than a year now but whenever I see his family especially his mum as he still lives at home, I just feel awkward and uncomfortable and don't know what to say when they're having little digs at me and making fun of me. I know I'm not that smart, have dyslexia and have anxiety so when they're making fun of me I usually make the situation worse as I don't make fun of them or say anything that would hurt their feelings but I'm the one getting laughed at whether it's because I didn't know something or pronounce it wrong, I also don't really cook as most days I don't feel like getting dressed as I feel so low and will just have something easy (microwave meal) but his mum said "does your mum make toast for you" which was out of the blue but more slagging.. I've told my partner how much I take it to heart but he says I just need to stand up for myself without being harsh but it's difficult when I have no confidence and just have to listen to it..

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/08/2015 20:51

People who make digs at you to your face or make fun of you are being unkind. Possibly on purpose.

I'd solve this by refusing to visit his parent's house and see him elsewhere.

Trying my best to be charitable here: other people's families are like a foreign country sometimes, with completely incomprehensible customs and ways of communicating with each other. These people may not be aware of that, or they might be and just not care. If they're upsetting you, avoid them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2015 21:04

I do not actually think much of this man because he is unable to stand up for you when his mother is being unkind to you. He just telling you to stand up for yourself is basically him abdicating all responsibility here. Its his family so he should be dealing with them. If he cannot or will not then that says an awful lot about him.

What does he say about his mother when you are out together and he is away from her?.

I think you are a decent person because you are not stooping to their low level. I would now refuse to see him at his parents house; he will need to meet you elsewhere. If he cannot or will not do this then I would reconsider this whole relationship. Infact I would reconsider this whole relationship in any case. You were not put here to be his family's emotional punchbag.

Georgethesecond · 15/08/2015 21:10

Are you sure they mean to be unkind? The comment about the toast could be completely innocent.

TRexingInAsda · 15/08/2015 21:16

They sound like cunts to me, why do you have to see them? I'd avoid them at all costs, the less you have to see them the better really (ideally not at all), and your partner doesn't sound very supportive either but I suppose that's not surprising because he was brought up seeing this kind of thing as normal. I hope they don't do it to your kids.

VerityWaves · 15/08/2015 21:21

They don't sound v nice but you say you don't get dressed most days and you describe yourself as not smart which I'm sure isn't true. You sound v low is it possible you could be depressed?

Original poster

Ohla19 · 15/08/2015 21:29

We're in a long distance relationship and have been having some difficulties especially with my health (Depression, lack of sex drive because of problems there etc) and he's been very supportive but I do find it hard to communicate as I would rather bottle it up as i've always done that but when I told him it wasn't easy and I know he's really close to his mum and grandad and he's always worried about them but whenever he stays at mine he worries that he should be at home incase his mum needs something done or if something happens and I love that he's caring like that but I hate seeing him stress and don't want to be selfish. Whenever I stay at his we go in to see his mum and sometimes she'll chat away and other times it's just awkward and I dread it and these digs get to me and I feel low that i'm still thinking about how bad it was.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohla19 · 15/08/2015 21:34

I love my partner and do wish we had our own place but we're still students and can't afford to live together and he used to live with flatmates before but then had to move home so it's going to be a while until he moves out. I do get very low and suffer from depression and he's always there for me but his family just make me feel worse and It's so hard getting the time alone together and we had went on a holiday recently and they were slagging how much we paid for it and said they could understand a old couple going there but the whole reason was just to have that alone time and relax.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 15/08/2015 21:34

I'm not sure if she's deliberately being cunty, or if maybe your depression is making you think that she is.

They may be one of those families that takes the piss out of each other in a loving way, and extend this to others without thinking about it.

Has your depression worsened since being with him? What treatment are you getting?

Original poster

Ohla19 · 15/08/2015 21:40

I'm the youngest in my family and that's what my family is like so i'm used to that from my older brothers but coming from another family and when I just feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say is difficult.

It's got better as I'm really happy when I'm with him and he treats me really well but it's just my mood swings and feeling insecure that he'll find better but i've always had mood swings at the time of the month :(

OP posts:

Smilingforth · 15/08/2015 23:21

I agree with pocket. Be careful that this just isn't a puss take family and you are reading something into it.

Atenco · 16/08/2015 03:56

I worry that you are not eating well and that this is contributing to your depression. I also don't think they are being malicious, just that you are fragile at the moment.

Smilingforth · 16/08/2015 07:00

Atenco makes a good point. Can you see your GP?

LiverMummy25 · 16/08/2015 07:10

From what you've said OP it sounds as if they are insensitive to your depression etc.

Can you expand on some of the things they say though, might help us get a clearer pic of whether or not you're reading too much into things.

Hellionandfriends · 16/08/2015 07:18

Is there any chance they could be being endearingly cheeky because they like you?

Hellionandfriends · 16/08/2015 07:19

Can you see any digs as a reflection of her own inner turmoil

Mrscaindingle · 16/08/2015 08:08

To me it sounds as though they are trying to be friendly, for some people/families taking the piss is a sign of affection. However you have to already have a close relationship in order for this to not be misconstrued or hurt someone's feelings and it seems as though they do not know you well enough to do this and that's is the bit they don't seem to be getting.

Your boyfriend needs to step up though and tell them to pack it in, if he can't or won't then I think the problem is him not them.

Original poster

Ohla19 · 16/08/2015 21:36

It wouldn't be so bad if I had a close relationship with his mum etc and they were doing this as I'm use to it in my family taking the piss but they're my family and I know they don't mean it but straight away his family has always been like this and I've never said anything back for them to think I find it funny or to slag them. I'm on medication for my depression but the things his mum says is because I say things wrong or don't know something and they'll pick on that. When we booked the holiday she moaned to me about it and how much it cost and she made me feel low again then saying oh yous could've done that instead etc..in a tone! His family just seem to gang up on me and I sit back and take it..I dread going to his place because of this but love him and bare it just to spend time together.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 16/08/2015 21:44

These further details make it sound like they are getting at you, either because they don't like you or they're graceless oafs.

Is it possible to just not spend very much time there? Are you still living with your parents - if so, how are they with your boyfriend?

Atenco · 16/08/2015 22:14

Heaven knows, OP, every family is different. The first time my SIL met our extended family she had to spend hours defending her life decisions and that was them being friendly.

amarmai · 16/08/2015 22:15

is he really worth putting up with this crap? It wont get any better. If he is not willing to speak up now, when will he? Put yourself first- that's what he is doing.

Original poster

Ohla19 · 16/08/2015 22:27

I love him and it's just his family that don't seem to like me and I don't know why because I've never done anything wrong and I always try and help out and make effort but I do find it hard to know what to talk about and just feel like there is too much awkwardness and digs at me. I'm seeing my partner again tomorrow so i'll have to deal with his mum :( I never had a problem with his mum and I don't want to but it's the way she talks to me and the whole family :(

OP posts:

LiverMummy25 · 16/08/2015 23:30

Maybe she thinks she's better than you and is a bit of a snob? Are his mum and dad still together and happy as maybe she's sour that you have a good relationship.

amarmai · 17/08/2015 02:21

it's him as well as his family- he says nothing to jelp you. Is this the kind if partner you need to thru life? He is telling you who he - ac person who does not stand by you. Beleive what you are being shown. Respect yourself and know you can do better.

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