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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

8 Year Rship.. But is this some sort of 'abuse?!'

46 replies

Guest13 · 15/08/2015 16:56

Is it normal for my boyfriend to get so angry at me over little things?

At times when we may disagree on something or I might say something that's true (that he may not like the sound of) or where at times I may even be wrong about things.. he will be so quick to get angry, shout and swear at me. I feel that I try my best to stay calm and ask him nicely not to swear and shout, and that there's no need for it. He will continue doing so until it gets to a point where I can no longer handle it and I may swear back or even cry because it hurts a lot to be spoken to like that. Even when I cry, he does not feel bad at all.. he'll ignore it like its nothing or question me in a rude way as to why I'm crying and even mocks me crying. I feel that he has no heart or emotions when he talks to me like that or even somewhat feels bad.

A few minutes ago, we got into an argument over the phone about something very minor - pretty much ended by him accusing me of "having something wrong with me, and that I should ask my parents about it" or having "mental issues", stated that I must be "autistic", "dyslexic" or "handicapped" - none of which I am and clearly he has no clue as to what each condition even is.

Tomorrow he will call as if nothing happened or say that he said those things because he was tired and because I made him angry (with or without an apology).

Tbh.. Im not quite sure if I'm even making much sense right now.. but what I want to understand is how and when will this stop? Is there anything I can do so that he doesn't switch and turn on me so quickly.. it feels as if there's some underlying hatred towards me.. I can't imagine him ever talking or being that disrespectful towards anybody else - only me because Im his girlfriend and I quote "annoy him sometimes". Every argument he says is "your fault" which I clearly will take responsibility for if I am, but at times where he may be, there will never be an apology - I've said to him before that you're not perfect and neither I am, people make mistakes and it's okay - but you should realise when you're in the wrong and not be stubborn to apologise. His response recently has been "I am perfect", "Im so easygoing, trust me it's you". Regardless, Im pretty sure this doesn't give him the right to talk and disrespect me the way he does - he belittles me, makes me feel small and like - and more recently and today, I just pretty much feel like an awful person. I feel like a girlfriend who can't do anything right.

And we're coming up to our 8 year anniversary in October.. :-( ..there are probably a few other issues in our relationship too.. I just want this to stop before things get really bad, before we do end up hating each other and can't stand each other.

I really don't think my messages makes a lot of sense and may sound quite confusing.. not in the best of mindsets right now but hoping someone in someway, will understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

Guest13 · 15/08/2015 16:59

By 'a few minutes ago'... I mean last night when this was written

OP posts:

trackrBird · 15/08/2015 17:02

Answering only your thread title - yes, it is.
Your post isn't confusing, but very clear, and the behaviours you're describing are typical in controlling and abusive relationships.
There is only one way to stop it OP.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 15/08/2015 17:06

Oh dear. You don't live together? It isnt just going to stop. Why should he stop? It sounds like you are unhappy with things so why are you still with him?

BackInTheRealWorld · 15/08/2015 17:06

we got into an argument over the phone about something very minor - pretty much ended by him accusing me of "having something wrong with me, and that I should ask my parents about it" or having "mental issues", stated that I must be "autistic", "dyslexic" or "handicapped" - none of which I am and clearly he has no clue as to what each condition even is.

^^ that's a horrible way to treat someone.

BackInTheRealWorld · 15/08/2015 17:07

Also he sounds very ignorant if he can't tell the difference between autism or dyslexia!

Bearsinmotion · 15/08/2015 17:08

Short answer: no, it's not normal. I have similar issues with DP, but at least he apologises when he is in the wrong.

I think with DP he doesn't think I understand unless I am upset or as angry as he is, so if I stay calm he will keep escalating.

I am trying to decide whether for us it is a difference in argumentative styles or abuse. As with you, I know DP would not speak to work colleagues like this, and that to me points towards abuse. How and when will it stop? What makes you think it will?

pocketsaviour · 15/08/2015 17:08

what I want to understand is how and when will this stop?

When you leave.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but why have you put up with his verbal abuse and bullying for 8 years? Do you not believe that you deserve better than this? Everyone deserves better than this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2015 17:08

"Is it normal for my boyfriend to get so angry at me over little things"

No and he won't stop either. What he does works for him - he gets to belittle you at all and any opportunity and what you are describing here is emotionally abusive behaviour on his part. It makes him feel better because he is at heart a bully and inadequate.

"Tomorrow he will call as if nothing happened or say that he said those things because he was tired and because I made him angry (with or without an apology)".

All this is classic of an abuser; they blame others rather than their own self for their behaviours.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This is in no way any sort of a healthy relationship.

It will not stop so long as you remain at all within this. You cannot love him better or fix him; the best thing for you going forward is to plan your exit from this relationship before he completely destroys you. You are seeing the real him and the real him is ugly on the inside. He does not regard you as a person, let alone any sort of equal. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and this has likely gone on now for several years. Such men do not change; do not waste another 7 years on him hoping for some epiphany on his part that will not happen.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are worth talking to as well, they can and will help you.

DoreenLethal · 15/08/2015 17:17

I just want this to stop before things get really bad

This is really bad. You are in a relationship with an abuser.

If it is so bad for him, why doesn't he end it? Oh, because that would mean he has to go find someone else to abuse. Simples.

woowoo22 · 15/08/2015 17:19

He's a twat. This is abuse. It is NEVER all your fault, that's just him being a bully. for you OP.

SilverBadger · 15/08/2015 17:31

"Tbh.. Im not quite sure if I'm even making much sense right now.. but what I want to understand is how and when will this stop?"

You are making perfect sense - this man is an abusive bully who knows he can get away with it - you've put up with it for years. He uses you to feel better about his own inadequacies - if he can make you feel you're in the wrong, then he must be in the right.

It will never stop. He will never change - except for the worse. I suggest you do start planning your future - without him. You deserve so much better. Out there is someone who will treat you with respect. Please don't stay with this arsehole man any longer, and be thankful you're not tied to him by marriage, finances or DCs.

Joysmum · 15/08/2015 17:34

Why on earth would you accept somebody talking to you like that?

scallopsrgreat · 15/08/2015 17:40

Agree with all the others. He's abusive and he won't stop.

I'd also say that telling a woman she has mental issues is really misogynistic. It's a common tactic used to get women shut up/minimise their problems/gaslight them. That conversation alone would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds really awful. If I were you I'd start asking yourself what he adds to your life. And where do you want to be in eight years time, given he won't stop?

goddessofsmallthings · 15/08/2015 19:12

I've said to him before that you're not perfect and neither I am, people make mistakes and it's okay - but you should realise when you're in the wrong and not be stubborn to apologise. His response recently has been "I am perfect", "Im so easygoing, trust me it's you". Regardless, Im pretty sure this doesn't give him the right to talk and disrespect me the way he does - he belittles me, makes me feel small and like - and more recently and today, I just pretty much feel like an awful person. I feel like a girlfriend who can't do anything right.

Jeez - do you really need to ask whether this is normal or if it's 'abuse', honey?

Tell him he's convinced you that, what with your 'mental issues' and all his various diagnoses of your afflictions, you're not worthy of his perfection and you're setting him free to find his female equivalent. That's a match I'd like to see from a safe distance.

End it sooner rather than later, sweetie, because it's so bad it can only get far worse for you and please read the sticky at the top of this board for guidance as to what constitutes a healthy loving relationship.

Threefishys · 16/08/2015 11:05

No it won't stop its a bad match with communication problems that will never change. Been there, been called mental. Every disagreement with my ex turned into a circle that just went round and round and never got resolved, just louder and more nasty.... I don't consider him abusive just useless at being with a woman. Current relationship we talk about our niggles, listen to each other, resolve it and move on. Nobody gets nasty. That's how it supposed to be. Trust me Op, I was amazed it could be like that and I wrongly believed ex's dramatic responses were a show of passion and commitment and angst through desire to be with me - they weren't. They just demonstrated his commitment to misunderstanding women and relationships and communication. What I have now is amazing - peaceful calm passionate respectful love. You can have that too but you need to let this guy go first.

Original poster

Guest13 · 16/08/2015 21:01

I feel that he acts that way because he thinks what I've done is wrong and is hurting him - but he finds it difficult to understand when it's him in the wrong. I try to be strong minded when I know he's in the wrong but eventually I start to give in and apologise - simply because I can't be bothered for the hurt,crying, arguments and going round in circles. When we're on good terms, everything is so perfect and we're so happy, get along great. But it's when a disagreement, argument, failing to understand one another or lack of communication comes into play is when things turn bad.

I know he loves me and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me - but obviously this is what hurts the most. I don't think he means to, I feel that he acts that way because he doesn't know how to communicate with me. He doesn't know how to talk about things or solve things - his way is turning something small into something so big, arguing, swearing about it, causing explosive arguments at times.. and then in a few hours or the next day, everything is back to normal and he will apologise for acting that way. And tbh, Im kind of tired of brushing things under the carpet - I've told him this for a long time, that I'd rather us speak and sort things out properly, that way we can move forward without the same issue coming up again but he really fails to understand this ---- WHY?

We've been together for nearly (details removed by moderator) years now - this past week I have been thinking that maybe counselling could be an option? He joked around on the phone yesterday and said "maybe I'm the one who needs counselling" (about himself that is) ...but I'm afraid that if I do try to speak to him about this, he may think Im being OTT. I personally think it may help speaking to a counsellor, etc as it may help us understand and communicate with each other better - that's the only reason I wish to go. But what if this makes matters worse, what if this then turns into something bigger because he will think we have issues as we're going counselling.

Hope that sort of makes sense... x

OP posts:

Original poster

Guest13 · 16/08/2015 21:02

Should I maybe hold back on things I would normally say or things that I know might get him angry/turn into an argument - and see if this helps? If this cuts down the arguing.. if this stops us fighting and him being horrible to me? Maybe the issue is with me.. maybe I should be more 'easygoing' as he says..

Should this be an approach I should consider taking...?

OP posts:

trackrBird · 16/08/2015 21:11

Nothing's going to change OP. Except it's likely to get worse. I'm really sorry.

Holding back on things you'd normally say is what most people try at some point. It soon turns into 'walking on eggshells' - being afraid to say anything, because all manner of things will set off an angry response. You never quite know what though.

The issue isn't with you, though he will say it is.

Threefishys · 16/08/2015 21:29

The issue is that as a couple you can't successfully communicate. The reason is somewhat irrelevant...you've tried and you simply can't. It will never get better. No matter what you do. Sorry.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 17/08/2015 07:12

This is not your problem, and modifying your behaviour will not change it.
What do YOU get out of this relationship?

LineyRunner · 17/08/2015 07:38

Why did you write '(details removed by moderator)' when you've already told us those details, out of interest? MN doesn't have moderators by the way. But MNHQ will intervene, normally on request, if a thread goes tits up or an OP or other poster feels that they have over-shared and risked their privacy.

DoreenLethal · 17/08/2015 07:43

Should I maybe hold back on things I would normally say or things that I know might get him angry/turn into an argument

And who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you to be your actual self? All this does is slowly turn you into a shell of a woman.

He accuses you of being handicapped rather than have a discussion about things. Is this the man you saw yourself with when you were little? It's so sad OP - there are so many lovely men out there and you end up with this one.

Balanced12 · 17/08/2015 07:47

*this post is to make you think not to be mean.

You are being a doormat, do you want to be a doormat ?

Stop this while you can, you don't live together (?) So you have a easier than some ending. How much of your life are you willing to waste tip toeing around someone ?

Limer · 17/08/2015 07:48

"Details removed by moderator" ???? The title says 8 years, so the details removed will be 9.

Are you copying this from another site?

Fluffybrain · 17/08/2015 07:52

His behaviour is emotionally abusive. You deserve better. You might not believe those 2 sentences yet but they are true. Order the book "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. It will make everything become clear. You say you know he loves you and wouldn't do anything to hurt you. The truth is that he is not capable of loving anyone. His intention is to hurt you. He does not get angry because you are wrong. He gets angry because he is abusive. His intention is to make you cry and hurt you inside. He gets off on it and enjoys it. His self-esteem is based on putting you down and making you feel like crap so that he feels better. I'm sorry I know that is awful and warped but that's what emotionally abusive men do. Then when he he calls the next day like nothing happened or when he is nice to you, it is all part of the cycle of abuse. Buy the book.

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