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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL and her dog

52 replies

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 14:59

My MIL had a small dog which is very needy and jealous and entirely untrained. Every single time she comes over she brings it with her and he makes me very anxious with my 4 month old baby. He's always jumping up or she antagonises him (tail pulling ect) when he's right near the baby and there was an incident where he jumped on top of baby and she thinks nothing of it!

I've asked her not to bring dog over anymore as I am not comfortable with him being around baby but she's taken this personally and is now not speaking to me. When I asked her, she was only a few minutes away and didn't have pup with her but decided not to come after all.

She's told my partner how upset she is about it but I'm really struggling to have any sympathy and can't understand why she can't appreciate my anxieties and see baby without pup? Feel like her dog/her getting her own way is more important to her than her grand daughter.

Personally I feel it's not so much to do with pup but more jealousy that she isn't her sons number 1 anymore / not getting her own way ect.

Shall I just leave her to get on with it?! Whilst she's throwing this strop she's the only one missing out. I just can't get over how self centred she is being and how she can't respect that I'm anxious for babies safety around dog?

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 17:22

You sit him down and tell him. Tell him how you know and that you thought he has a right to know the truth.

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 17:24

You know some very serious facts about your partner's life that he is unaware of. Leave your mother in law out of this.

If your husband left you because you told him the truth THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW, then your marriage is really on very shaky grounds.

Original poster

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:24

TRexing do you mean I'm being a dick with not telling him?! Or being a dick about knowing in general?! Sorry please just clarify

OP posts:

Original poster

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:27

Distance when you say leave your MIL out of this, in what sense? Sorry can you please just clarify?! Do you mean about the dog or in general?!

I probably shouldn't have even mentioned it, it's just more my frustration what he worships the ground she walks on, probably not on my side with regards to baby and I just feel he doesn't see through her games/ manipulation.

I think if I didn't know the 'secret' then I wouldn't be so so quick to think game player myself IYSWIM

OP posts:

Original poster

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:31

Pink ball did you do anything about it with MIL?! How did it go down if you did?

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 17:31

I am talking about the knowledge you have about your partner's life. It's nothing to do with his mother - in the sense that it's a conversation that you should have with him, between him and you. If I knew something so serious about my partner's life which he was unaware of, I would feel a duty to tell him. It's his right to know.

If you try to play games with your MIL over this, then you're as bad as her - you're both manipulating your partner, keeping information which he is entitled to know from him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 17:35

"I wouldn't want to tell my partner because I think the shit storm it would create would actually be the end of us, I think his mother would never forgive that I told him and DP would leave me over it... So yes defiantly a symptom of wider issues in relationship"

Again what if this did slip out in an argument or your man found out by other means?. Secrets do come out sometimes and in unexpected ways. It does this man no favours at all to withhold such information and it puts you in a poor position as well. For all you know his mother may have already given him other (to him plausible) reasons as to why they separated.

There are indeed wider issues in your relationship. He also being a mummys boy will perhaps and ultimately cause the end of your relationship. You do not have each other's backs here; he is too tied to his mother's apron strings and you hold a secret pertaining to his family.

Original poster

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:35

Thanks for the clarification distance! Can it actually be kept between us though?? If my DP told me sometimes about my parents I know of want to ask them. Instantly.

I really don't want to play games, I just want my decision regarding the dog to be respected and upheld. She's welcome to a loving relationship with her beautiful grand daughter, I just don't want the dog involved

OP posts:

guzzlewump · 14/08/2015 17:36

If that's the actual truth of his parents divorce - then you need to double check that your dh doesn't know your posting name on MN or won't accidentally happen across this page on your (shared?!?) PC - he might find out by reading this thread - which would possibly be an even worse way for him to find out...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 17:36

He has had a lifetime of her conditioning so of course he is not going to be wise to any manipulative games she chooses to play. Her word is God as far as he is concerned, she can do no wrong in his eyes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 17:41

"She's welcome to a loving relationship with her beautiful grand daughter"

But she herself is not a loving parent to her son, what makes you think she will actually have a loving relationship with her granddaughter?.

You likely come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is unknown. This is indeed good but you need to look at the facts and her actions. She has not apologised not accepted any real responsibility for her actions. I would therefore reconsider that line of thinking; she was not a good parent to her son and such people like his mother more often than not are not good grandparent figures to their grandchildren.

It will do your children also no favours at all to see either one or both parents here being so ignored and or disrespected.

Original poster

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:41

Guzzle- he doesn't know I go on mums net. He thinks I spend all my internet time on Instagram looking at pictures of food... Which I do quite a bit I like food

Ok so, this is to all of you- what would you do of your partner told you this?

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 17:46

He will probably want to tell his mother about it so he can hear what she has to say. And it's his right to do so.

I think you're afraid that his mother is going to make him leave you, aren't you?

Original poster

Tornupinside · 14/08/2015 17:50

Distance I think you have it in one. I wouldn't put it past her and I think my partner is weak

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 17:50

Then that's the problem. It's not your mother in law (although she sounds like an awful person). It's your partner.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 17:52

I would think she has come up with some (to him plausible) reasons as to why she and his dad originally separated.

Some men are indeed weak ad spineless when it comes to their overbearing mothers. They have been so conditioned to respond to her and her needs only (whilst putting their own selves well down the pecking order) that they do not know which way is up. Unfortunately for him and for you, his own inertia re his mother is simply hurting him as well as his own family unit now.

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 17:59

You're currently sitting on a lie - both the facts about your partner's parents' divorce and pretending that "everything is normal" about your partner's relationship with his mother.

Time to man up.

You have to tell him this secret you know, because it's a matter of basic trust in a couple, and because he's entitled to know it. If he is swayed by his mother and blames you for it, then you know what kind of man he is. And I don't think you really want to be with a man who will put his smothering mother ahead of his child and partner.

There is also the possibility that he will realise how he is being manipulated by his mother and stand by you and his child. But you have to give him a chance. Yes, it's going to be shit storm, but the shit storm is going to come anyway, sooner or later. Or else you will become a bitter older woman who has always been second best to mummy dearest.

schlong · 14/08/2015 18:00

This is about so much more than a dog! Why would he leave YOU if you dropped this clanger? Would you turn his perception of her upside down over a dog or because it's time he woke up and smelled that coffee anyway? I agree she'd be as toxic a gm as she obv has been a mother (and dog owner!). You should tell him but be very careful to detach it of any connection to the mutt problem otherwise you'd just seem petty. Now he's a dad it's time he knew the truth.

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 18:08

By the way, my maternal grandfather used to have a beautiful Boxer. He had the habit of standing on his back legs and paw all over you. When my mother became pregnant with me, the dog was put down. Just in case "the bump" was threatened.

I'm not suggesting that your mother in law should go to such extremes. But loving grandparents do place their grandchildren's needs ahead of their dogs'. And a dog jumping on a very little baby is a threat.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/08/2015 18:28

Go back a bit OP do you think it was a coincidence DH's dad told your parents of all people? Wouldn't he expect them to pass the news onto you (as they did) and might that not be because as the DW, FIL expected you to tell your DH?

Once you raise this with DH yes he might tackle his mother but he might also go to his father. You're concerned it's not your secret to share but it's not really your secret to keep either...

TRexingInAsda · 14/08/2015 22:29

I meant by keeping it a secret from him - you can't help knowing it!

If I found out my older sister/brother wasn't my dad's, or that my mum went at my dad with a pair of scissors, I'd think "wow, go mum"! But my dad was, er, not the easiest to be in a relationship with and my mum was long-suffering! Seriously it would not change anything for me now, I'd love my sister/brother just the same, and they divorced because they didn't get on, so it getting to the point of scissors is just proof it was definitely time for them to divorce. No massive big deal really. The one thing that would get to me is my dh knowing and not telling me, I couldn't get my head around that.

coconutpie · 14/08/2015 22:40

You need to tell your DH the secret.

I would be barring that dog from your house and being around your baby. The fact that your MIL allowed her dog jump on top of your baby (WTAF - I would have gone fucking crazy) shows that the stupid cow can't be trusted at all so I would not ever leave your baby alone with her.

You absolutely MUST put your child's safety first. If MIL gets offended, tough shit. There are far too many incidents of dogs mauling babies and young children which cause permanent injury or even death. It is not worth the risk at all.

PuellaEstCornelia · 15/08/2015 09:43

I'd let her stew. If she wants to play the martyr over a dog, let her!

And I wouldn't say anything to your husband about his Mum and Dad. It'd not th truth - it's gossip, albeit you think it might be true; but you don't know, you didn't see it, so why stir up a hornet's nest?

To be fair the only one that SHOULD know about it is the sibling who doesn't know who their real father is!

shebefierce · 15/08/2015 09:44

Does the brother know about this history/parentage? That's an important factor in what happens next.

Listopad · 15/08/2015 11:08

I know that this has moved on quite a bit from the dog, but I just wanted to say that I completely sympathise. My MIL shoves her large dog in my toddlers face constantly because she wants them to be 'best friends', even though she knows how much I hate it. I have no idea what on earth possesses someone to act like this.

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