Affair. Low self esteem. Sadness. Need to talk.

[HoNoper]

I have been married for 10 years. It’s a long story but I've never found my husband attractive. I don't know if I love him, I guess I like him as a friend and would miss the stability of being with him. There is a back story to how we met which complicates things. I am ashamed to talk about it, but feel he 'purchased me', you can use your imagination if you wish.

We have a relationship which varies between being mundane to being very unhappy (and according to others, abusive) at times. He is very controlling. I have low self esteem issues. Why did I get together with him? I was desperate and wanted a child. I now have a son who I love. I rely on my OH for financial support.

I am seeing someone who I know deep down is just using me. He has a partner. She found out a while back that we were seeing each other and he ceased contact for a while but then reinstated it saying he just wanted to be ‘friends’. (We have not ‘technically’ been unfaithful, we meet, chat, kiss, cuddle, on his invitation). So clearly 'more than friends' but exactly what, I’m not sure.

I feel guilty but he is the only glimmer of light / happiness in my life at the moment. I don’t know what he gets out of it.

I am confused. I need to talk to someone but am ashamed and can’t confide in anyone in RL. Please don’t flame me. I have name changed for this obviously. Not asking for sympathy but just needed to talk about it….

Suppose he does see me as a 'sex object': what then does he see his partner as?!

Your happiness doesn't depend on either of these guys, in fact I think it depends on getting away from them.

Respecting yourself and feeling self-sufficient may feel impossible right now, but that's due to your extremely damaging experiences. You've been initiated or groomed into a view of yourself that is distorted. You were taught to see sexual availability as a way of life and a way of being accepted.

I think it will take some time with a really good therapist to deprogramme all this, and to rebuild a sense of self that is based on the core of who you truly are.

I don't think there's anything to be gained from trying to figure out this screwed up man and his motives.

It would be better to try to figure yourself out than waste time on a man who's manipulating two women.

Who cares why he's doing it? The fact he is tells you he's an arse.

I can't bear the thought of not seeing other guy.

Whereas my husband I'd happily get away from if I could afford it. I am so attracted to other guy & he is kinder to me, on the surface, although he clearly doesn't "love" me. I guess he has a low opinion of me and sees me as available.

How will I cope with the sadness of not seeing him and life being totally bleak.. He is my only comfort at present?

Sorry twinkle stein, I just try to work it all out.

It doesn't tell me he's an arse, I think he us nice to me. Clearly I don't see things the same as other people.

I am just happy he finds me attractive but then probably he doesn't, as I guess that's not necessarily a prerequisite for men in this scenario?

How do you know if someone loves you? How do you know if you love them?

Is sexual attraction necessary for love relationship?

If someone finds you attractive how can they still love you when looking a mess? Sorry I am so messed up and confused about life. I thought it was all about sex.

I'm sure he does find you attractive and likes you as a person or he wouldn't hang out with you. But the fact is he doesn't love you enough to leave his partner. And he doesn't love his partner enough to leave you alone.

He cares only about himself.

Life is not all about sex, you've been initiated into that view of life through a prism of abuse, objectification and misogyny. In fact, sex isn't that important in the general scheme of things.

This man will never offer you a relationship, and his partner may find out you're still seeing each other and put a stop to it anyway, so at some point you are going to have to face life without him.

I'm not saying you have to end it today, just to be aware that it won't continue indefinitely.

The most important thing, as of tomorrow, is to find a good therapist who deals with sexual trauma. I would call your nearest Rape Crisis and ask for a recommendation. Rape Crisis deal with historical abuse and sex crimes as well as recent stuff, so they are well-placed to help you.