My guy got caught out. Now what?

[amyc88]

So I've been seeing this guy for about 4-5 months...everything was absolutely great until this...

One morning I woke up (he stayed at mine the night before) and we were in bed and I woke up pretty early (6:30am) anyway...I got up and make a coffee and our clothes were thrown all over the living room from the previous night. I went and picked all our clothes up and got his hat and picked up his trainers which he had his hat on top of. When I picked up his trainers I noticed his phone was in one of his shoes so I took it out and walked back into the bedroom. When I put his phone on the side a 'tinder match' notification popped up on his mobile...I instantly felt sick. I confronted him about it straight away and he said he never uses it and that it was probably from ages ago...anyway...that was that

After this things started getting weird, he didn't text much or came to see me for a whole week and then went on this lads holiday. While he was away we spoke a few times but nothing major. Anyway I noticed when he came back off holiday he had become friends with all these girls on Facebook which I didn't question. The day after he got back he was dying to see me...so he came round and we spoke about what had happened the week before he went away and he just said he had a lot of family problems going on etc and didn't want to let me down or upset me. Anyway so I then asked him if anything happened on his holiday and he said yes he kissed a few girls and that was it, nothing else...so I didn't like what he told me but other than that we seemed to be back to how we were.

Anyway a few weeks pass and a friend of mine sent me a screen shot of his plenty of fish profile showing he had updated pictures from his holiday on there and also he was online that day. He had also updated his tinder account pictures.

So I spoke to him. AGAIN and he said he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah so me being the fool I said to him well look if you want to be with me delete it...he said he would...he didn't.

I reached breaking point after a few days and I told him straight...and I said...you clearly don't want to be with me, you make no effort, you're still on online dating etc. anyway he suggested we go away for the night to get away from our home town and talk and sort things out

So we went away and we stayed in a nice hotel, went out for food and had a few drinks. While the drinks were flowing I said to him, 'why are you so sneaky with your phone' and he said 'what do you mean?' So I was like 'whenever you're with me you put your phone into flight mode' and he said because when I'm with you I don't want to be disturbed.

Anyway jokingly when he was scrolling through his phone I snatched it off him and went to click on whatsapp. Well...I've never seen someone dive on top of me so quick to get his phone back he was on me like a rash trying to get it back. In the end I gave it to him and he was like 'you never take a guys phone' we make a joke of it but I knew he was hiding something. He carried on to tell me how 'I want to be with you, I really like you, your the only girl I speak to, you really make me happy' in the back of my mind I was still thinking...what you're saying is nice but you're definitely hiding something

Anyway so the night finishes were both pretty drunk...go back to the hotel and fall asleep. I wake up the next morning and he's fast asleep!

I just knew I had to check what he was so paranoid about with this phone!

So being stupid I grabbed it and went into the toilet, locked myself in and I remembered his passcode from the night before.

As soon as I opened the phone I instantly felt sick at what I could end up seeing. So I opened messages and I didn't find much on text. I then opened up whatsapp...well...it was like a fanny fest! Message after message to girls, dirty talk, you name it! Sex memes being sent etc I was nearly physically sick!

I was looking through this phone for a good hour and I came out of the toilet and I was shaking. He was still asleep. I slammed the door shut to make sure I woke him up and I threw the phone at him and started screaming. He didn't know what was going on at first and I just told him straight. He told me he was never going to go through with any of it and I'm the girl he wants to be with and he doesn't want to lose me over this etc etc...

Anyway I managed to calm down and I came home not much was said on the way home except he kept looking at me. And I was sat there in tears just crying. He was lost with what to do

Anyway so we came back to mine and we spoke a little and I just said. If you want to be with me. Delete everything and he did...right infront of me he deleted everything.

Anyway since then I'm just finding myself constantly kicking off with him, finding a reason to bring it up, questioning him on all sorts and he's doing nothing to prove to me it is me he wants. He just sees it as...you went through my phone I'm not arsed.


I don't know what to make of it all because he's not even showing me or proving to me that h wants to be with me. We always speak but there is nothing there that makes me think...wow he's making so much effort here he must want me!

We've had a big argument today and he said he's annoyed with me that I'm always on his case and he can't be doing with it...

I don't know what to do...someone please help me figure this out!

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

All that and only 5 months in?

I think it's dead in the water.

[LaurieFairyCake]

It doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship and with all the lack of trust it sounds crap for you.

Are you both teenagers/early 20s? - don't bother with this one if you want a monogamous relationship.

[SoozeyHoozey]

It shouldn't be like this so early on op. Bin him.

[FredaMayor]

Op, in your next relationship make sure that you don't have soft-hearted pinned to your back. This guy has put you in a corner.

[Ahemily]

Pretty unanimous, OP. Get shot.

[Leviticus]

I'm sorry. You really don't know what to do???

[NickiFury]

Now what? You tell him to f*ck off that's what.

I was reading your OP thinking "ok now she will dump him" after each new thing he'd done but you didn't . There's no now what? This isn't a relationship of any kind. He's not with you, you just thought he was and he went along with it.

[Cabrinha]

Fucking hell. There's something wrong with you that you're putting up with this and going back for more, so many times. I was GOBSMACKED to get to the end of that and see you were still with him!!!
I thought you'd dumped him and were letting off steam!
Seriously... I'm not saying this to me mean, there is something faulty in your boundaries. His behaviour is AWFUL. Why are you still with him after him openly telling you kissed (only kissed, right... but even kissing is bad enough) other women on holiday?

WHY?

Dump him.
Like, properly this time.
Don't date anyone else.
Get Counselling and work out why the hell your boundaries are so fucked up.

[hellsbellsmelons]

OMG - how many times are you gonna bang your head against that brick wall?
I'd have walked away when I knew he wore a hat [light hearted]
But you didn't
I'd have walked away when the tinder match came up on his phone
But you didn't
So you should have walked away when we confessed to cheating while on holiday
But you didn't
So you should have walked away when he got all weird and protective of his phone
But you didn't
So you should have walked away when you saw all the crap he's been doing behind your back
But you didn't
Dear god, please pick your self esteem up off of the floor and walk away from this loser.
I have no idea what has happened in your past to believe that this is all you deserve.
Seriously. It's jut not OK.
Please contact Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
You've had red flags waving from the start and you haven't looked at any of them.
Freedom Programme and fast! You can even do it on line if you don't want to attend the course.

[KitKat1985]

Now what? You LTB that's what. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings here but I honestly just think you're just his easy option when there's no-one else available and he's clearly chasing every other woman he can find. This isn't a relationship.

[coolaschmoola]

Don't you value yourself?! This twat does not deserve you and never will. Stay with him and this is your future, constantly wondering what he's doing, who with and where. Why would you put yourself through that?

[Finola1step]

All this hassle in just 4 months. He's nit worth it, dump him.

If its luke this now, what will it be like in 4-5 years? My advice, don't wait around to find out.

[niceupthedance]

Fucking hell, he is taking the living piss out of you.

What could possibly be so good about him that you'd put up with this treatment?

[Owllady]

Why are you doing this to yourself? You should have ended it ages ago, I don't understand why you haven't :(

[BrienneofQarth]

Like others, I'm quite astounded he's still around - you need your head examining! Ditch him - he won't change.

[TokenGinger]

Please, please look deep inside yourself and ask why you're prepared to be disrespected in such a way. You must have such poor self-esteem and self-respect.

The kissing on holiday was enough to walk away. That's just not acceptable.

Please walk away. He will never change. And he has no reason to - every time you've caught him, he's talked you around in one way or another.

[Dynomite]

You didn't catch him out, that would imply you had no idea he was cheating. But you did know. Most women would have walked out when he admitted to making out with others on holiday. No idea why you put up with so much. You need to walk away and take a break from dating to figure out why you would let yourself treated that way.

And as a side note, 4-5 months is supposed to be one of the best times in the relationship, you two should be all loved up and most men are on their best behaviour then. You definitely shouldn't feel the need to snoop on his phone at that stage.

[DiscoDiva70]

He just sees you basically as a piece of meat that he can use to satisfy himself with when he isn't shagging someone else that day.

If you're prepared to be treated no better than say a 'blow up doll' ( and I mean that in all seriousness), then carry on seeing him.

However, if you do claw back some self esteem and self worth then you will realise that you deserve a million times more than what this bellend is offering!

[Custardmiteofglut]

What a waste of your emotional energy on a cheating twat.

Bin him.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Dear god woman, at this point in a relationship you're meant to be having FUN.

Just bin him, ok? You'll feel so much better without this wanker in your life.

[StAlphonsosPancakeBreakfast]

Why on EARTH would you waste a second longer on him?

[LIZS]

You can't trust him. Bin him. And get some help to restore your self esteem as losers like him will prey on the vulnerable.

[AlbrechtDurer]

I agree with LIZS. Once you've binned him (as I hope you will, as nothing is going to change in this "relationship"), I suggest that you get some professional help to work on your self-esteem, as otherwise this kind of thing will continue to happen to you. This is not normal.

[badtime]

OP, his words may say that he wants to be with you and you alone, but his actions say the opposite.

It is easy to lie with words; his behaviour shows what he really thinks and really wants.

FFS, he can't even be bothered to hide it from you. He has no respect for you. Please have some respect for yourself and get rid of this dick. And then, as other posters have said, get an STI test and some counselling to help with your self-esteem and boundaries.

[RolyPolierThanThou]

I know guys like this via friendship circles. It's all a game to him, including keeping you doubting. Girls are there for him to play with, he'll NEVER change.

If you could only hear how he talks about you and other women when you're not around, you'd leave him on the spot, believe me.

Women are toys, a fun diversion, he'll be telling his mates what a ball ache it is to keep you sweet so he can see this other nice piece of ass, how 'girls' are such a hassle.
Your feelings well never factor into his actions. He doesn't care how you feel, he just sounds like he does when he engages in damage limitation because wants you to stick around for convenience, and ego (women should be there for him to choose, they shouldn't choose to leave him. He'd be insulted by you leaving him.)

Seriously, this guy is a loser. Drop him because you are above this shit.