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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I have the only husband in britain

15 replies

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 14/08/2015 00:00

Who actively avoids having Sex. The lengths he goes to are quite impressive and I don't know whether to now be in awe of his ability to make shit excuses or continue wasting anger at him and leave whilst I still have a modicum of dignity and self worth left.

There is nothing as horrendous as being made to feel unwanted, ugly and nothing but an annoyance in your own marriage. 8 weeks it's been now. I'm not in the best of health and for me Sex is one of the few pleasures I have in life which he is actively denying me. It's only ever done on his terms and when he wants it. I'm sick of it because his terms are worse than a bloody nuns.

I've tried talking to him and get 'well I guess my Sex drive is just lower than yours. Mines high buy yours is just abnormal'

Its really not abnormal. The amount of medication I'm on means at most I feel up for it once or twice a week. But no. That's far too much and entering nymphomaniac territory. I'm so angry at him!

OP posts:
zas1 · 14/08/2015 00:09

Am sorry to read of your distress. I agree sex is really important in a relationship. My ex DH also had a lower sex drive than me and if you are abnormal wanting it once or twice a week well let's just say my desire was sigjificantly more frequent. Yes it does make you feel like cr*p and you are unwell into the bargain. I just wonder is it because of your illness he is holding back could he in some way feel it is inappropriate?

RealityCheque · 14/08/2015 00:19

Do you help him equally around the house?
Is he tired because he doesn't get enough downtime?
Do you make time for him and compliment him?
Do you spend time without the pressure of having sex?

This is what would be helpfully posted if you were a man posting about a lack of sex from his wife.

Original poster
LunchpackOfNotreDame · 14/08/2015 00:27

I'm the main breadwinner in the house and the housework is probably split 70:30 with him doing more.

He has more down time than anyone else I know.

We spend time together and I don't put any pressure on him for Sex but even giving him a kiss goodbye in the morning gets met with a "don't expect any tonight I'm xyz" and that's just a bog standard "bye love see you later" nothing more peck.

I compliment him, am appreciative of his support, I don't know what else I can do.

I actually don't know, however, when the last time he complimented me was or when he last instigated any form of affection be it the "see you later" coming from him first or him actually asking how my day has been.

I have outright asked him is he OK, what's up, is he happy and does he want to stay together and never get a negative answer.

I am getting to the point where my moral compass is going out the window and if I had a guy ask me to go for a drink, and paid me some attention, any attention, I'd go along with it.

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 14/08/2015 00:33

And if a man posted that last sentence because his wife (who does more than twice what he does around the house) wouldn't put out, all hell would break loose on here...

Original poster
LunchpackOfNotreDame · 14/08/2015 00:37

I'm sure it would. So I'm fully expecting a flaming. However it is how I feel.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 14/08/2015 00:46

Sex can only really ever be on the terms of the person with the lower libido and most vanilla preferences because we all have the right to say no.

Has his libido always been lower than yours? Did he used to be more complimentary? Is he happy with his work/home situation? Is your relationship happy apart from this? Do you have children? Have you spoken about how it makes you feel?

As said sex and intimacy compatibility is a very important part of relationships so maybe if this is how it is going to be for the next 20/30/40 years you might want to have a think about the future of your relationship.

LadyB49 · 14/08/2015 00:46

Sounds to me like your husband could be depressed, no matter how often he says he is fine.
Does he do anything with friends.
Any hobby.
Does he laugh, have fun.
Does he have any motivation and/or enthusiasm.
Has DH always been reticent regarding sex or is this a big change.

How does he feel deep down about not being the main breadwinner.

Has he always had a low mood.......

Enoughalreadyyou · 14/08/2015 00:58

Feck. Nobody needs to made to feel this way. He is purposefully avoiding you and using low sex drive as an excuse. Do you think it's a possibility he could be getting it elsewhere?

HappyMeerkat · 14/08/2015 02:18

Yes because it's stereotypical that married men are the ones denied and when they moan everyone asks whether the wife is cheating on him.

Double standards as men obviously always have to be ready when women feel like it as to not hurt their feelings, well I guess all men are obviously always ready and waiting Hmm

Garlick · 14/08/2015 03:27

giving him a kiss goodbye in the morning gets met with a "don't expect any tonight I'm xyz"

This was quite upsetting to read.

So he's characterised you (or is pretending to) as a raging sex pest whose goodbye peck on the cheek is meant as a demand for sex?

WTF? He cannot possibly think that! Therefore this is some kind of weird campaign to make you feel disgusting, unwanted, and not even loved enough for a return "Have a good day".

I think we need more background :(

DadWasHere · 14/08/2015 03:44

WTF? He cannot possibly think that!

Yea, he can, in an abstract way. Low libido partners often progressively lock out less intimate behaviours that lead to sex. It can creep back from intercourse all the way to not wanting to even hold hands.

Smilingforth · 14/08/2015 05:25

Perhaps u could suggest he see a doctor; he sounds in need of someone to talk to.

FredaMayor · 14/08/2015 09:20

Low libido partners often progressively lock out less intimate behaviours that lead to sex. It can creep back from intercourse all the way to not wanting to even hold hands.

Absolutely right IMOE - which also featured chronically depressed and alcoholic ExP's S&M porn habit. He refused help or counselling of any kind, after all it was my problem, not his.

OP, you say OH has plenty of down time, do you know what he is doing while you are at work?

fuzzywuzzy · 14/08/2015 09:36

OP, how do you see the future of the marriage?

This is clearly getting you down. and your H saying;
'well I guess my Sex drive is just lower than yours. Mines high buy yours is just abnormal'

Is really mean, he is refusing to accept there is an issue and is laying it all at your door.

If he is happy with the way things are, I think you need to seriously consider how you want move forward. As a pp said suggest seeing GP to make sure he is OK. Could counselling work?

A marriage devoid of physical affection is not going to last, and I'm not talking about sex but not being allowed to kiss him goodbye in the morning without him making you sound like you are making a precursor to forcing yourself on him, is really awful. For both of you if he really feels that way.

How long have you been together, do you have children?

Garlick · 14/08/2015 12:26

Yes, you're right, Freda and Dad. How grim :(

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