Could I ever get out this affair?

[2la82turn1987]

6 months ago found out my husband cheated on me with a coworker while our baby was struggling for his life. My water broke nearly 3 months early and I was hospitalized for a month, my son was so premature he needed life support. 15 days in the NICU he went home, the next day I got a call for the dr, he needed to be rushed back to the NICU for possible newborn disease that could kill him, long story short... I had to feed him every 2-3 hours or he could die. My stress level was awful I had to pump and then bottle feed him, I never slept and was always in fear. Test took almost 6 months to come back clear, I was lost and afraid every second for my baby's life, Thank God, he is just a carrier and my husband was to busy"working" 60+ hours a week to help out but rented a hotels to screw this married coworker, she even has them same name as I do. He has begged me to forgive but everyday is a struggle, is it possible to get over this affair.

That must have been awful. My son was born one month early and that was bad enough.

I see what your h did as much worse than a husband in a marriage that is ticking along, not in any crisis and he cheats cos he can. Because, when you really, really needed him, he prioritised shagging over you, and over his tiny child.

The damage he did was far far worse than you could ever have done by telling everyone what he did.

Your therapist is talking out of her arse.

Ask your h what he did to save the life of your baby?

It's so hard and sounds virtually impossible to come back from. My thoughts are with you

Sorry for everything you've been thorough. In my personal experience. It's easier to forgive but a whole lot harder to forget. Even in the nearly three years I still think about the deceit on a regular basis. We are not together, I couldn't get over it.

I agree with others that the counsellor was talking out of his/her arse. Thedifference between sleepinng with a co-worker while the mother of your fighting-for-his-life premature baby is in hospital is so many worlds away from flirting on facebook because you're hurt, it's another galaxy

OP, you have done nothing wrong - NOTHING OK. You went ballistic. I would go ballistic. Many people I know would have battered the cunt! I would be utterly raging and would never ever ever be able to forgive this - ever. You are blameless in this. Make a plan to leave this utter shitbag.

It is not your fault.
He made the choice to step away from his family when they most needed him.
Choices have consequences.
I wish you every bit of good luck.

Believe AmIfat not the totally useless councellor. Honest to god how do these people get jobs as counsellors? Your problem is about as bad as it gets and to lay even the slightest bit of blame at your door is appalling. Is the counsellor the co-worker your wanker husband slept with? Hells teeth!

Let's say it again and as clearly as I can: it's not your fault

"Just as much damage"!?! Bloody hell, that 'counselor' should be reported!

Ok I know I have done some damage as well whether he deserved it or not? I left my husband the day I found out packed my stuff and out the door with all 3 kids. I went to my mom, she took care of the kids sad to say I drowned my pain with alcohol barely remember a week passing by, I told my husband I would only see him in marriage counseling if he even cared to talk to me again. He scheduled a appointment that Saturday it was $125 a session our insurance did not cover. I was told I did nothing wrong and our marriage was over by this marriage counselor. I heard her loud and clear, I told my husband we were over and planned a date with a old friend that night. My husband was so pissed he screamed I hate that b why did she tell you that... I when out that night got drinks and followed this man to his hotel room, I don't know what my intentions were but I was running as fast as I could from all of it. As we pulled up to his room, there was my husband, he followed me, watched me at the bar the whole time. He traced my phone and found me, he said he needed to know for sure, it didn't not lead to sex, with all the drama it was the last thing on our minds. The next day I felt as if I was just as bad as him and we talked decided to try and get help to make it work my husband was like a dream to me, open, honest, caring, like he was a different man but I was not ready to let anything go. So we got a psychologist to do our marriage counseling a man doctor, this guy was a joke he prescribed me Neurontin and wouldn't give any antidepressants. I ended up gaining 30lbs in one month and wasn't eating much at all. It was the Neurontin, now I was more insecure, to make matters worse my H loss 30 lbs, I was so pissed, nothing was working. Like I said the Dr. blamed me, I was just as bad as he was, and at this point I did even care anymore I was talking to other men, thinking it would make me feel better, deep down I hated my life. I hate me, I hating hurting my H but I was so empty. My H put spyware in my phone and watched every conversation I had with everyone, I didn't know, I was now the not trusted. The cheater. Lots of people from my past gave me attention and I felt like I needed it, they told me they had been cheated on in they understood, some were even the cheaters and I wanted to understand them, so I talked to 3 men total and only met up with the one. I didn't just find out my husband was having a affair, I found so much more... I was in the hospital pregnant calling my H cuz it was our dating anniversary and the anniversary of my grandfathers death, I called him he was to busy to come by later when all this spilled out he was trying to order a prostitute that same day but she wouldn't meet his price, I saw the whole conversation, it killed me and I also accidently ran into emails during that time, of dating sites, he was asking another woman in our bed and chatting with another. God knows what all he did, I guess now I can see how easy it is to screw up. I don't know if this is who I am, I hate this person I have become. Why do I stay because I am f###ed up I guess, because as much as I want to turn my love off, I love him, I hate his choices and now I hate mine.

Why would you want to get over it? What a disgusting excuse for a man

You need to stop the drama.

Stop doing anything.

Take one day at a time. Keeping things normal and calm for your dc(s).

Try to be civil but distant from your h/p.

He sounds revolting.

Have you had STD tests?

I am usually very neutral on the subject of infidelity due to my own circumstances and a genuine belief that each story is unique and we do not know what we would do if we were in that position. Often people are advised to leave when sometimes i wonder if what posters need is just space to vent/discuss and reflect .
However in this case it is utterly utterly unforgiveable. If your DH had just cheated on you and you wanted to forgive him , well thats understandable but to have been having an affair ( which takes up time....a lot of time...not to mention the emotional input the person puts into the affair to the detriment very possibly to their families) when your ds was so ill and in hospital is utterly unforgiveable in my opinion.
all that time he was with OW he should have been with your son . How on earth could he have been busy enjoying his affair when he knew his child was critically ill in hospital ? I am flabbergasted...

I did leave him and I asked him out another time as well. During this time he promised me he would do whatever it takes to set stuff straight, he promised me no more secrets, everything would be better. What do you even want if all you needed was him to be there when he wasn't?
I reached out to his family and I was told what he did was unforgiveable as most of everyone says... He turned his family against me and the funny thing is when I was reaching out they just told me no way his actions are unforgivable. What did they expect me to do, I hung around for all the promises and one by one never filled, I don't know how to process all of this, just leave most say but everything in my heart was purely love, I worshiped my H. How do I turn it off, the anger has mostly faded and now it is just heartache. I never thought I was this weak. I was a single mother of 2 when we met my H, dd was 3mths old and my ds was 3 yrs old when I left my ex H. I worked 50+ hour weeks in a adult ICU and was going to nursing school full time, I was happy, lots of friends ect... I remember the struggle everyday I would come home so tired mentally and physically, 12 to 16 hours a day to pay bills. I could only fill one bath and put us all in it my body was so tired, I remember holding my little baby up in that bath
with all the strength I had left in me and got us to bed to do it over the next day, I remember thinking one day we will be much better. Nope, at this point I don't think things get better. To be realistic I have see the worse pain far worse than mine, I worked in a ICU for 7 years and the deep tragedy I have seen far worse than my own family, shattered by death, seems like as long as we have our love ones what more could we ask for, I take it extra personal. That was my baby in that ICU the very same hospital, I was not the caregiver I was the struggling family member. WHERE is that strong person I was...I need her now, my H destroyed me, the very idea of everything I believed anyone's purpose is in
this F####$ up world.

Oh love, you are in so much pain, aren't you? But think about it, HE is the cause of that pain. Him, not you. Whatever you did was in reaction to what he did. Did you 'go off the rails' a bit, yes. But in your case, it's forgivable. In his case, it is NOT!

Since you're a nurse, I'll put it 'medically'. If someone has a huge infected cut and is in pain, what do you do? You lance it, you get rid of the poison. And that hurts, doesn't it? It can hurt more than the injury itself. But that pain is only for a short period, isn't it? Once the poison is out, the person begins to heal and to feel better. And the poison that is endangering them is gone. There may be a period of 'recovery' where the site is tender and painful, but in the long run, the person is healed. So even though the patient may say 'don't touch it' YOU know it has to be done.

Right now, HE is that infection, that poison. And you won't feel better until he is gone from your life. There may be that period of pain, that period of struggle to get back on your feet, but in the long run, you too will be healed.

I meant to add, please seek counseling for yourself. Not couple's counseling, not individual counseling with the intent to save your marriage. You have been through so much hell and have so much built up inside of you that you need someone to help you pick through everything to find that lovely woman still inside you.

Wow. I really agree that you deserve individual counselling. Good posts from acrossthepond. Stay well away from couplescounselling, and from him.

People have the right to make mistakes. And when I type that, I don't mean him and his shagging. I mean you, your mistake thinking he was a fit father and partner. He's not. He let you down when you needed him.

So instead of ploughing another decade of your life in to this mistake, in the misguided belief that you have to fix the unfixable for your children, just accept that this has happened and begin to move on. You can. I really think individual counselling or psychotherapy would be good for you.

ps, it is classic, classic, text book stuff, regardless of what the caught-out husband has done, he will act like his partner/wife is unreasonable to have a line. Acting like the wife is a cold hearted unforgiving family wrecker if she has the audacity to say ''no! that's it for me, you let me down and I'm out".

Ask yourself what kind of man wouldn't rather say sorry! I know if I were with somebody and I did something really really selfish and if they wanted to end the relationship, I would respect their right to want to end it. I'd say sorry but I wouldn't think that they owed it to me to forgive me, or take it as proof that they were bad if they didn't instantlly forgive and forget.

So, stay strong.