How have we allowed the air to leak out of our marriage? Is it over?

[isthisforty]

I wonder how many people are in this position, or a similar one.

Together for 15 years, married for 13, two DCs (11 and 8). For the last few years it feels like the air has just gradually leaked out of our relationship.

We don’t have big rows, there’s certainly no abuse, but neither of us seems to be getting much out of our relationship. It’s not really something that brings us much joy. Our sex life has kind of petered out to about once a month. We don’t really talk – we have superficial ‘how was your day’ chats, and conversations about practical things like a possible car purchase or holiday arrangements. We both have outside interests that the other doesn’t share. We have been on a few holidays as a family, but it’s more the case that one of us will take the kids somewhere and then the other will take them somewhere else. I tend to be a night owl and she tends to go to bed early and get up early. It all just feels quite…separate. We’re not particularly physically affectionate in terms of hugs, kisses, flirting etc. with each other. It just all feels quite…flat.

The other day I was in the street, walking towards a woman who was waiting for her BF to come and meet her. As he rounded the corner (behind me) she broke into this joyous, beaming smile – directed straight at me, or rather, just over my shoulder -- and just for a second I felt as though she was smiling at me, and I felt very sad at the awareness that neither I nor my DP really experiences that kind of joy at each other’s presence. Isn’t that a normal part of being together for 15 years, though?
We’ve had one session with Relate, about a month back, but the timing was quite bad – summer holidays kicked in, and we can’t really start anything regular until school starts again. The one session we had was okay, and we both got some stuff off our chests.

I suppose I’m just wondering if others have been in this situation and recovered from it – whatever that means? Part of me wants to keep trying, but another part thinks that life is short and maybe we’d both be better off with people who do make us really happy. But then, how realistic is it to expect to find such people as we enter our 40s? And how would it all affect the kids? (I know the standard MN line about divorce being preferable to modelling bad relationships to kids, but I really feel that we are both very good parents and that the kids benefit hugely from us both being there for them. It’s the one thing that unites us.)

Not to be frivolous but listen to this

Try to ignore the fact that he looks like Peter Sutcliffe.

Seriously it's not uncommon at all to feel the way you do. I love my dh with all my heart, honestly he's lovely but we are in a bit of a rut. We have similar aged children and been together for about the same amount of time. We both need to be more appreciative of each other and just have fun like we used to do.

Why has my comment heen deleted?

Similar aged children here - it's so easy to fall into a rut. That is all that's happened to you I think.
Why not book a few meals out/ activities and then talk about 'you and me nice stuff, no kids stuff'.
Got to be worth a try.

Fuck cheezy you obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bed

OP it's good that you are noticing and trying to do something before it's too late. Fwiw anyfucker I dont think OP has anyone else about from the woman he saw waiting for her bf. Moments like that can make your heart skip and realise what you're missing.

We have a certain amount of sexual openness in our marriage, and if she was going to try something on with someone else, she'd be up front about it and we'd talk it through.

Really, OP? Separate holidays, different sleeping patterns - you are, as you say, separate, especially as you seem to be implying a certain 'openness' in the relationship. You also seem to be a little naïve about dating in one's forties which doesn't really square with the previous statement. Your scenario suggests you both took your eye off the ball some while ago. IMO your relationship needs far more commitment to each other and a return to counselling, otherwise you will continue to drift apart through apathy.

When do you draw a line under it? If you have tried counseling and it doesn't work do you then call it a day?

I've tried rekindling with my H - we have nothing to talk about, nothing in common - I'm not sure we ever did but kids kept us busy. We would go to bed at different times, he's more into sitting in front of TV/iphone/PC whereas I like to be outdoors or busy doing other things.

My kids are 16 & 9 - I couldn't carry on like that and separated from him, he doesn't understand why I've left him, I've explained - maybe you grow apart?

'The Art of Tantric Sex 'saw it on the shelf in the library this week ...might pop back and borrow.
Totally free and with someone you know and trust ......

...well why the heck not !!!!??

My relationship is boring as hell and we mostly do separate stuff but it suits us both very well. It might be cheesy, but try to imagine how you'd feel if your wife announced she had met somebody better than you and she was offski. Would you be relieved? Or a sobbing mess?

The grass is greener where you water it.

Don't you realise how a relationship with any other woman would feel in 15 years time??

I have been told by mumsnet I made a personal attack and was unsupportive.

CheezyBlasters: If it is anything like your previous comments, then is it any great surprise?

CheezyBlasters well it wasn't me that complained about you to Mumsnet.

However I do think that making insulting remarks about others opinions on Mumnet is really not on, as we are supposed to be helping the post, not criticising each other's opinion.

I believe sincerely in what I wrote. When you say that you are glad you are not married to me....... How is that remark helpful to the Post?

I respect utterly your right to Express a different opinion to me. I expect the same kind of respect from you.
However, from your remark it shows me quite clearly that you are not someone who respects others.
Personal insults are bullying.

Well, I can see why AF is responding the way she is. If you are already thinking about harm to the children and trying to justify divorce then you might already be “checking out” of your marriage altogether. You do sound very open to an affair. Even the question “who would be interested in silly old me” implies “I will be open to anyone who shows an interest".

But, assuming that you aren’t that close to trouble, a lot depends on what steps you’ve taken so far to try to revive the joy / excitement / closeness and how your DW has responded to them. Going to Relate is a good start. You could also: make romantic gestures like buying flowers for her or writing lovey poems or whatever you do; you could arrange babysitting and take her out to do something together that you both enjoy, something you used to enjoy together pre-kids or maybe something new; you could show appreciation for the things she does (thank yous and compliments, even for everyday things). If you’ve already tried these kinds of things and she’s blanked you then it’s tougher.

(Could you even leave the kids with grandparents and head off for a week just the two of you? I was going to say “second honeymoon” but a word to the wise – don’t try to start with sex. Get a relationship going between the two of you first, one where you enjoy each other’s company and interest each other and feel close to each other. Then sexual interest will follow. Though if she jumps on you as soon as the kids are out of sight then ignore what I just wrote )

I have been in a deflated long-term relationship – though actually before kids – and we used Relate and we’ve made very conscious efforts to maintain our relationship post-kid too. If you want to get the romance and intimacy back you will both need to put effort in and make the marriage a priority. For starters, stop putting off Relate. Sort out some childcare and/or time off work and get yourselves there. If you are serious about keeping your marriage then act serious.

I was in that situation

we got divorced

tbh, looking back, I think it was a mistake. We needed a break. We too passed like ships in the night. He was a night owl, I was a morning person. He worked weekends, I worked M to F. I couldn't take it any more, I was so sad and lonely.

Divorce is so massive. It's so much bigger than you could ever imagine right now at the point you are at.

If I could give one little bit of advice it would be, take a break. Let him have a break too. Maybe both have a holiday on your own (or together!) without the dcs. Give both of you some headspace. Whatever you do, don't rush into a divorce.

btw i think the mistake was rushing into the divorce. I made my mind up v quickly. We separated for a while and then divorced.

But as someone else said, don't think the grass is greener. Life as a single mother is hard. And soon your children will be teenagers which has a whole load of new challenges!

Hello, I can relate to all of this. Two children 14 and 12. My DH and I never talk about anything not related to them. He stays up late, drinks too much and falls asleep on the sofa Till 3 or 4, I used to get up and bring him to bed but he was just rude to me. We both have stressful jobs and money can be a struggle.

Recently I have started thinking do I want another 30 years of this? We have been to counselling but we both minimised.

He has been unfaithful back in 2010 but I forgave him but cannot forget.

I am not perfect at all.

In fact everything's is just pottering along but I so miss passion, romance, intrigue, surprises and generally the heart quickening..........

Not quite sure how we would take a break, but it does sound like a good idea.

It does sound as if the air has just leaked out, as you say, not that it is completely over.

I think you need to prioritise each other and making each other happy. And talking. Start talking. Tell her how you feel and tell her you love her. sorry to sound like a women's mag

Foxinsocks, I'm sorry about your divorce.

All sounds very familiar OP ....In fact are you my DH??

Joking apart I have no answers but some of the replies have made me think

My thought process swings between thinking we should call it a day and thinking we should put in the effort to save our marriage

You are not alone OP

Glad to know others can relate. Nice not to be the only one who has felt this way. The balance of the replies here has been interesting -- I was expecting more people encouraging a split, but a lot of you make good points in favour of sticking with it and trying harder for each other. Leaning into the relationship and making each other a priority seems like a good way forward, although at times (as FunkyPeacock mentions) you do wonder if you wouldn't be better off calling it a day.

Ah well, none of this stuff is ever easy.

(Oh, and cheezyblasters, your original post was both a personal attack and unsupportive -- not to mention screamingly unhelpful. Read through the rest of the thread and note how others manage to conduct themselves like grownups, even if they don't like everything I have to say. I bet you could do that too.)

I try be in favour of sticking with it and trying harder for whole family, but how many times does it revert back to stage 1.
It is tricky taking the next step to split......