Am I looking for reasons to end it?

[Bob19701]

I am a 40ish Divorced dad of one 10 year old , I have been seeing someone for around 10 months we get on great almost all the time, fancy the pants off each other and we get on great. I have joint custody of my child and the 2 week days I don't have her I spend with my girlfriend , every other weekend I have my dd so the weekends I don't have her we go out socially with joint friends (people we both knew before we got together) or alone for drinks etc ... Now here is where things have started to worry me my girlfriend can drink a lot and a couple of times she has turned nasty (verbally) towards me for no reason it's like a switch has been flicked the next day she cannot remember a thing and is very apologetic.

The weekend I do have my dd she spends time with us and gets on really well with my dd and she really likes her back, but she also still wants to be going out with friends mainly couples and the next day cannot remember who she was talking to or what time she got home etc...during the night we might exchange messages but they got more sporadic as the night goes on.

Now the crux of the matter is I am not sure I want a partner who spends most of the weekend we are not together falling out of our local pubs or is that me being selfish expecting her to be different ... Apart from all that I love her to bits a absolutely love spending time with her...if I finished it I feel I may look back with regret.

What do you think ???

Ps I totally trust her and don't ever suspect she would be doing anything behind my back.

She sounds like she's got a drink problem. How old is she?

She is 49 , before we got together we had a mixed circle of friends and she has always been very social , I did mention a while ago in a jokey way about drinking that caused a later argument about me judging her and she isn't always comfortable being herself around me ... I don't want her to feel that way.

You are rightly concerned. If someone is regularly drinking so much that it affects their memory, at best it will take a toll on her health over time. Also, you have seen a not so nice side of her when she gets to that point.
Your choice to cut your losses, but have you discussed your concerns about it with her? What is her take on it? It's not normal to lose your memory so frequently. Hard to know if it's an excuse for a get out after saying something nasty.

Was she sober when you joked about it at the time? Best time to approach it is when she's not in the process of doing it. If she wants to defend and argue against the memory loss - though she doesn't sound like she has a leg to stand on- then, you have at least given her a chance.
Bottom line is you can't make someone stop being an alcoholic ( of the bingeing or regular kind). They have to want to.

I have never had a serious chat as I said a light hearted 'jokey' chat , like blimey your not having another bottle tonight after a full day out the day before , but the answer is always the same .. It's what she has always done and it's ' only ' a bottle of wine... As I write this I feel like I am making it sound worse than it is and maybe it's me overreacting , I am not a prude and like a drink socially but I can take it or leave it .

I also agree she has to want to change herself, her friends are the same all around the same age in relationships / married etc some are my friends also. What I don't want to do is make her feel she NEEDS to change to suit me I wouldn't feel happy if she did that because I would feel she wouldn't be happy...

Exactly the words not to say at the wrong moment. That comes across as nagging rather than a joke, totally understandable that you were moved to say it though.
Pick a sober time and ditch any attempt to be 'funny'. Concerned voice, let her know how it is affecting and at times spoiling your time together.
Worst that can happen ( and sadly often the case), she choses the alcohol over your life together. That shows you both all you need to know. You are not being over-sensitive about it.

Thanks for the reply and I will have the conversation , I am going away soon with my dd for our annual hols maybe a should use that time away to consider what I want from the relationship .

Her drinking pattern is a problem - the maximum safe intake for women is 21 units/week I think, and a bottle of wine has 9. The way she behaves when drunk is a problem. Heck, the money she's spending on drink might become a problem. You are quite entitled not to want to be any part of this, but she won't want to change until it becomes a problem for her (and that includes losing relationships over it).

If it's not a problem for her yet (and it sounds like it isn't) then I fear backing away is all you can do. You're not judging her, and she wouldn't be more likely to do something about it.
There's a mantra for families/friends of alcoholics - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Al-Anon is there to help you.

Sorry - 'more likely to do something about it if you stayed'.

I agree when we first got together it was ok , my ex wife never went out or liked me going out so it was a breath of fresh air to meet someone who is very sociable . But 10 months on the feelings I have discussed on here seem to be getting more frequent, as I said we have a fantastic relationship in every other way and it will be very difficult to break away from it , it feels like a 'heart v head ' decision ????

Bob

You do not want someone like her in your child's life as well as yours; this is going in one direction and that is down. Unfortunately for you this woman you are seeing is an alcoholic.

Look at her friends; my guess is that her social circle consists primarily of heavy or problem drinkers. She is having memory problems as well and that can be associated with long term alcoholism as well. Talking to her about her drinking will be a waste of time; she will likely simply become defensive and accuse you of spoiling her "fun".

Her primary relationship is with drink; its not with anything or anyone else.
Codependency often features in these types of relationships; its not a pattern of behaviour you want to get into.

I would certainly echo the thoughts of Walkacrossthesand.

You think with your brain, not your heart. Do not let your heart rule your head.

YANBU to think this is an issue, Bob. I echo the others.

I wouldn't have a partner with a drink problem in mine or my son's life, either, and she does have one.

Sad though it is, please put yourself and your DD first. You can't fix this woman however fond you are of her.

You might find it a relief to step back.

I'd say have a serious talk about it before you go away if you can. You don't want to have this hanging over you while away and taking your attention away from valuable time with DD.

We are spending this coming weekend together , I will try and pick the right moment to have a serious chat about it. I just don't want to go away and leave things up in the air and spoil the holidays and her time at home while I am away , if that makes sense. Plus the time apart maybe a good time to reflect on things ??

You may well find that talking to her will be a wasted effort on your part; she may well become defensive or accuse you of spoiling her social life.

(What do you know about her in terms of her family background; are her own parents heavy drinkers?. It is said that alcoholism can be learnt; this is deeply ingrained within her. A chat between you is going to both achieve and solve nothing).

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you need to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

She has very little family , both parents passed no siblings etc... She has always been a very big social person , as I have said I also like to get out but feel there is much more to life and relationships than just seeing the same people week in week out in the pub . But I am so much in love with her that the thought of not being together is awful , i feel that ' I cannot live with her but cannot live without her ' ????

I don't think a talk is going to help you either. I think you are going to have to make the decision without involving her.

Can you get hold of a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? I'd highly recommend it to get a grasp of what you're dealing with.

Her primary relationship is with drink. Its not with you. She does not love you as much as she loves alcohol; she loves that more. Alcohol is a cruel mistress.

She will ultimately choose alcohol over you Bob and you could well feel very hurt and used indeed. Do not let your love for her (infact co-dependency often happens in these types of relationships) blind you to the realities here; she is already treating you badly when in vino veritas and she is probably more often than not drunk or coming down off a hangover. Her tolerance to alcohol is probably very high. Most of her social life centres around pubs and alcohol doesn't it?.

I would suggest you talk to Al-anon as they could well help you.

I'm sorry but there's nothing you can do to help her. She is an alcoholic. The best thing you can do is leave her and get on with your own life.

I say this as an alcoholic.

Thanks for the replies , I don't feel I need to contact Al anon we are close but not living together , I feel it will be tough to split up but I am a proactive person and I would be able to get through it.

I have just messaged her and asked her can we have a chat tonight. I have decided that I am not going to come over all heavy and accusing but go down the route of our relationship being about more than just the pub and beer and more about doing other things ... Hopefully she will agree and we can maybe change the path I feel we are going down, if not then it maybe tough decision time.

I will not write I told you so if it does not go well but I think your chat will be a wasted effort. Your words will be white noise to her and she could well be accusatory.

I think 'the talk' is a good idea, providing you can do it in an unemotional, nonjudgemental way. I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who drinks heavily. It's not my 'thing' and I don't enjoy being around someone who is drunk.

My feeling would be why would you (or she) want to waste time in a relationship that would end up going nowhere. You want a (basically) sober partner, she (apparently) wants a drinking buddy. No blame on either side, just two people on different roads, as it were. I would be saying the same if you were an avid outdoorsman and she was a 'home body'.

I think having the talk right before your hols is a good idea. Gives you both time apart to consider things. Just be sure that you don't part angry with each other.