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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unforeseen repercussions of going NC [sad]

46 replies

reddaisy · 12/08/2015 21:05

I made the decision to go NC with my 'D'M earlier this year as a result of an abusive childhood.

But what has really got me is how it has affected my relationships with other family members - in particular my DSIS and my auntie. Both have basically slowly cut me out. They know my reasons for going NC but I now feel like a scapegoat as if anything it has almost strengthened their relationship with 'D'M. Lots of OTT Facebook posts about outings etc.

Then last week it came to a head when they (my auntie and my DSIS) didn't tell me that my beloved elderly uncle was in hospital and could potentially die. My DH saw a post about it on Facebook! I had unfollowed them as a result of OTT Facebook posts. All I said to them when I went NC with 'D'M was that I didn't expect them to choose between us and that I wanted to have a relationship with them independently of her (get togethers would often have been on my 'D'Ms turf and terms).

Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice? It feels like I have been the one to lose my whole family by finally deciding that I wasn't going to have a relationship with my mother any more. It's making me sad and I feel so disappointed in them.

OP posts:

QuietIsland · 13/08/2015 09:51

Yes, this has happened to me. Sometimes it's that people don't want to get caught in the middle and sometimes it's that people are enablers who don't want to discommode the abusive relatives - anything for a quiet life. You are doing the right thing for you OP

QuietIsland · 13/08/2015 09:55

We have this with my fil now. He is my mil and sil's enabler. We're trying to keep some relationship with him going but it's tough. Long periods of silence. But the peace of not having to deal with the toxic twins is great!!

Hissy · 13/08/2015 11:00

((Huge hug)))

Now...

Can I ask you what you were really expecting?

Given that your aunt was raised by the same people as your mother?

And your sister?

Cut from the same cloth.
The damaged mobile is a great and powerful analogy.

My own mother has treated me and my son abominably, whole family knows. They still speak to her, have not challenged any of the lies she has told them, yet they still see her, accept invitations etc...

We are supposed to just stfu and go back to being the kicking post. That's our role.

You have broken the mould, shrugged off the shackles. Now is the time to spend your life only with those who make you feel good about yourself. I know you didn't demand they choose, but given their knowledge of what your mother has done to you, and their decision to just let it be, they are not supportive of you.

The comment about "right behind you" is a good one, I found that really resonated with me.

Keep walking forward, and let those that don't add to your life fall by the wayside.

Original poster

reddaisy · 13/08/2015 11:46

I guess I would expecting them to be there for me, I have never asked for much from anyone. They are definitely enabling her behaviour by not backing what I have said, they allow her to believe her version of events.

I particularly wanted my DSIS to say she completely agreed with what I have said - she herself has said it over and over to me in private - and that my 'D'M should take responsibility. But instead she has practically cut contact with me herself, e.g. inviting me over to her house the morning of my birthday when she could see from Facebook that we were on our way out for the day so only empty invitations so she can say 'I tried'.

I would love to remove them on Facebook, I have already unfollowed them but they then assume I have seen their posts. I don't want to shut Facebook down completely because I enjoy it and have lots of friends all over the UK and I don't want to miss out on those connections.

to everyone else in the same boat.

OP posts:

Cinnamonthecat · 13/08/2015 13:07

so many things on this thread resonate with me.

Why oh why oh why do people gang up like this, its bad enough the toxic parent without half the world seemingly agreeing with them... and its so so common I used to think I was the only person in the world that was treated like this (and therefore there was something about me and I somehow deserved it)

thank god for threads like this they have literally saved my sanity

plentyofshoes · 13/08/2015 13:09

I am nc with of of my parents. Over the years I have lost contact with relatives on my fathers side. It is part of it unfortunately.

SouthWestmom · 13/08/2015 13:13

Well from the other side maybe they don't agree with your decision?
My dsis went NC with me a year ago and although my family for now stay in touch they all disagree with her reasoning and think she is the one with the problem.
It 'hurts like hell' for me to be cast as the 'toxic one' by her.
I think going NC inevitably ripples outside of the two people involved.

OsloGin · 13/08/2015 13:18

Sounds like even though you didn't want them to have to take sides, your mother was less reasonable. Horrible what people will do so they don't have to take a stand.

DopeyDawg · 13/08/2015 13:19

It has been my experience too.

When I refused to continue to be silent about the abuse in my family they ALL went NC with me.

I found out yesterday that my beloved Aunt (the only one who didnt) was buried in April.

It hurts like hell.

ivykaty44 · 13/08/2015 13:29

If these two relatives were to stay in contact with you then it would mean for them the possibility if being cut away from the rest of the family. You choose to cast away but they haven't and don't want to.

Sorry but they want to keep things the same and people don't like change, its difficult for s lot of people

sliceofsoup · 13/08/2015 13:49

Sounds very similar to my life OP, except that currently I am not NC with my mum, but have been in the past, and things are heading that way again.

I know you say that you don't think your mum is controlling their behaviour, but in my situation my mum chips away at people in subtle ways and it does affect their behaviour.

My relationships within my family must always filter through my mum. I am nearly 30 and this is the way it has always been. As soon as I stand up to her behaviour she pulls out the victim card, and the rest of the family rally round her. That is the dynamic that she has constructed and she maintains it. I have no stand alone relationship with my father. I could not call him up for a chat, or meet him without her there. It has only been since I started counselling that I have realised how unhealthy this is and how abnormal it is too. But it means that if I choose to go NC with her, it has to be with my dad, my brother, my aunts and uncles and cousins too.

It is so hurtful that your sister has agreed with you in private but will not take the same stand, but I guess she just isn't ready to take that step. Going NC is such a brave and difficult decision.

DeckSwabber · 13/08/2015 19:31

It seems to be a common experience, something to bear in mind when advising posters on here to go nc. It is a big thing to cut contact and has huge repercussions. It may ultimately be the best thing for you, but you can't control how other people react, and some of it is incredibly hurtful.

As I explained above I didn't choose to go nc but there was pressure from a member of my family for me to cut contact with my brother, which I said I couldn't do because of my mum, but I think she may have been egging him on as well to stop us uniting over another issue.

Smilingforth · 13/08/2015 22:26

NC is so hard on everyone involved. But parents must be selfish as to what is in their child's best interests and that is usually happy parents

Electrolux · 13/08/2015 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

regretsihaveafew · 13/08/2015 23:13

I too have experienced the family turning away from me and now have no family of origin contact at all. My mother lead me a merry dance all her life, treating me badly with indifference, scorn, and rejection. Everything I did was wrong, and I have suffered for years trying to overcome the damage done....long, long story re: me being born out of wedlock and my arrival causing mayhem in the family at the time. I tried to go NC with her, didn't succeed, but we managed to have a relationship of sorts until she died and we sort of made peace.

Then all the previous onlookers who must have enjoyed me being the punchbag. black sheep and scape goat although making out they were not impressed by her.....slowly turned away from me! Now my mother had gone I really was the cuckoo in the nest...and have been thrown out! I stopped getting invited to family things and they made it clear I wasn't included any more. So be it. I now refuse to see them anyway, my decision.

I no longer see my half sis, aunt, half bro, or cousins or their children. After many years I feel relief I don't have to interact with such hurtful, sheep like, rude people. It does hurt though, I have memories of better times.

DeckSwabber · 14/08/2015 09:46

regret that is sad.

Sometimes there are reasons/factors beyond your control that cause people to 'reject' certain members of the family.

DopeyDawg · 14/08/2015 10:45

regrets - I also have the experience of being born 'the wrong side of the blanket' and my arrival causing mayhem. MY fault, naturally...

I have no family of origin contact now either, now my real Father's sister has died (how could they not tell me? - I was in the cemetery and saw the grave...)

NC is never an easy or light decision.
You can know it is the 'right' (only?) option but still regret hugely the lack of a loving family.

regretsihaveafew · 14/08/2015 12:52

Thanks Deck and Dopey for understanding. Me and DM were a 'unit' initially for 10-11 years until she had her legitimate family....then her personality changed [or emerged]. But I was her 'mistake' and she was never forgiven for it....and I never went away, a constant reminder.

The anger, always inside her sister, my Aunt, for how my arrival affected her life surfaced when her mother, my Gran [lovely, kind, amazing woman] died. We both noticed it, then it resurfaced with a vengeance when my mother died. Now she has had her revenge and taken the rest of them with her.

I have no idea why I should be rejected for being born and being kept. Dopey your experience was painful, I do not know why some people are so inhumane and uncaring. There is no insight and as long as they are fine that's ok.

I have no advice OP except to say just think of the peace, freedom and lack of stress and anxiety you achieve by not walking towards yet more cruel remarks and indifference. It does help to know others know how you feel, however it's awful that so many hurt so much.

Original poster

reddaisy · 16/08/2015 13:58

So sorry to hear that other people are going through/have gone through similar situations. I think if I had known about the repercussions of going NC then I would have gone low contact instead but I was already doing that before I went NC and it had been noticed and questions were being asked so it was going to come to a head in the end.

I don't care if other family members agree with my reasoning - they have not lived my life but they know enough about it to have an inkling but they are enablers and I need to work on not feeling blue when I am left out from something I could have been included on - a get together very close to me on a date when my 'D'M was definitely not available for example.

Yes to the poster who said people should understand how big the fall out from going NC is, I have been shocked to be honest. I really thought people thought more of me and I certainly expected more from them. It has made everything feel like it is made of glass now that I have no extended family - if these bonds can break then anything can disappear.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/08/2015 14:09

I suppose the thing is that you have "broken ranks" - no matter how shit things were for you, you were expected to just put up with it, keep quiet and keep it under your hat.
You have chosen not to do this, and they are all feeling like they now can't trust you to "keep the family line" - so you are the one pushed out.

It's hurtful, it's shit and I'm not surprised that you are shocked, bewildered and hurt as well - but they are still all in the "faaaamly" frame of mind, and you are the one out of step with that.

I don't think your sister has been playing a straight game with you either, btw - either that or you're choosing not to see her as manipulative and mean to you as well :( - but she sounds rather more like your mum than you'd possibly like to think.

Once you've stepped outside the "family trust zone" there's not really any way you're going to be fully integrated back into it - they'll always be suspicious of you now - so even if you resumed contact now, I think you'd find it still awkward and difficult, possibly even more so because you've shown that you can't cope without them.

So :( that your family are like this.

Original poster

reddaisy · 16/08/2015 14:44

Thanks ThumbWitch. Your view of my DSIS is shared by my DH, I guess I just wanted to think more of her than that and she had a shit childhood like me so I probably cut her too much slack too.

I feel like David Attenborough should be narrating this experience for a nature programme!

OP posts:

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