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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

60 replies

FunFunFunFun · 12/08/2015 19:31

I made the mistake of asking my new boyfriend "What are the three top things you look for in a woman?" He thought about it and replied: "Intelligence, sense of humour, and looks".

The last one unnerves me. Does this mean he's shallow? Would it be a deal-breaker for you?

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 19:54

So all the, what, over 30s, 40s who aren't a size 10 should stay at home and take up knitting? Nice

Nonnainglese · 12/08/2015 19:59

No hope whatsoever for the over 50's, 60's then...Hmm

Great.

ARV1981 · 12/08/2015 20:02

I think it's relative. Loving a person makes them look better in your eyes than if you don't love them!

Have you ever known a gorgeous looking man who happens to be a complete dick and therefore his outer beauty is massively diminished? I have! Loads of the fuckers!

Looks are definitely important at the start of a relationship, but priorities change over time - I'm sure my grandfather found my grandmother's looks to be incredibly important when she was 18 and he was 21 when they first met, but 70+ years later their relationship is based on a hell of a lot more than looks alone - companionship, friendship, mutual respect, a shared history and of course deep love.

So no, this is most definitely not a red flag!

Thisismyfirsttime · 12/08/2015 20:03

What are your top 3, out of interest OP?

Sistedtwister · 12/08/2015 20:03

My grandmother was a size 16 incredibly attractive glamorous 70 year old....

age and size don't dictate 'attractiveness' and thinking that it does really is shallow.

redannie118 · 12/08/2015 20:03

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

ABTwife · 12/08/2015 20:06

No it's not a red flag. Not at all. It was third on his list so not really that important to him but has to be part of his attraction.

It's completely normal for 'looks' to play a part in attraction. And he didn't specify what those 'looks' would be. 'Looks' are often specific to individuals. My version of good looks would be different to yours.

I could meet the most intelligent, funny and kind man but if his looks didn't appeal to me I wouldn't fancy him.

'Red flags' is beginning to be misused and misinterpreted like so many phrases.

lostinikea · 12/08/2015 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABTwife · 12/08/2015 20:10

And 'deal breaker' is a nonsensical phrase. A relationship is not a 'deal ', it's a relationship not a business transaction.

WaitingForMe · 12/08/2015 20:12

Looks evolve. On of my favourite songs is Prettiest Eyes by The Beautiful South which has the lyrics "Take a good look at these crows feet/Sitting on the prettiest eyes."

A big part of DH's attraction to me was that he thinks I have beautiful eyes. Seven years on and I'm acquiring a few lines but I've also had DS who has my eye shape. Seeing his favourite physical feature of mine on his child makes him melt.

I'm two stone heavier but I still always smile right to my eyes. Looks matter to my DH but mine aren't being demonised by age or weight Smile

woowoo22 · 12/08/2015 20:15

I think looks are more general demeanor, chemistry, ooh I fancy you type thing. Not age and weight.

stepsharp · 12/08/2015 20:19

My DH loves me, even though I'm now old and fat. Smile

My intelligence and personality keep him happy.

I take it your joking OP, if not, you should lighten up.

milkysmum · 12/08/2015 20:23

Doesn't scream of a red flag for me at all. He just answered your question honestly. I suspect you need to work on self esteem issues

FeckTheMagicDragon · 12/08/2015 20:30

When I liked my ex I thought he looked like Tom Cruise. He turned out to be a cheating selfish twat. Now I still think he looks a bit like him ( but a lot older) and I cannot stand Tom Cruise.
Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder - if he likes your looks now, and falls in love with you (ie your personality) he will still love you when you are 80 and round and wrinkly.

kittensinmydinner · 12/08/2015 21:35

Of course looks are important especially at the beginning, there has to be some attraction or you wouldn't get passed the first hello...unless it is the sort of relationship that has evolved out of a long friendship where each has had the opportunity to discover what the others personality is. As time goes on it becomes less important - although that said, if a partner male or female really stops caring about themselves to the degree that personal grooming and appearance change to such a huge degree ( think dangerous levels of obesity/anorexic - or self inflicted body changes due to during/drugs) a partner will probably find that hard to deal with. The turn off then is more to do with the lack of self respect than the actual appearance of their loved one. I would say you are hunting for red flags rather than enjoying the first flush of a new relationship, why is that ?

Original poster
FunFunFunFun · 12/08/2015 22:08

Thanks everyone. I asked him this question 8 months ago when we first started dating.

Recently I've been comfort eating a lot due to personal issues and have gained half a stone (which I am now losing...slowly). I worry a lot about it. If this recent and sudden weight gain puts him off, so be it.

OP posts:
ElizabethSpenser · 12/08/2015 22:12

Well for me money is more important than looks......

What? What did I say???

lostinikea · 12/08/2015 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 12/08/2015 22:53

WAIT????!!!!

Drip feed!

You asked 8 months ago and now it's bothering you?

I didn't even read "looks" as meaning "good looks" just "looks that attract me are in my top 3".

Like my BF - he's tall. I like tall. His height attracted me. But his height isn't about being good looking - it's just a physical feature. By "looks" I think he just meant that physical attraction is an important part of fancying someone.

You know he was just coming up with on the spot chit chat and probably can't remember it at all, and might well come out with a different 3 on another day?

This is all to do with whatever issues have you comfort eating. Don't demonise the poor guy over a throwaway line 8 months ago, unless he's the cause of those issues?

squishee · 13/08/2015 11:49

What Cabrinha says!

Original poster
FunFunFunFun · 13/08/2015 13:29

I had a session with my NHS counsellor today. She thinks he's shallow for saying that. Now I'm confused.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 13/08/2015 13:38

If your counsellor gave a personal opinion that she thinks a man she has never met, who made that comment 8 months ago, is shallow, when she is not a good counsellor!!!

She is not their to give her opinion.

Cabrinha · 13/08/2015 13:40

What is important is how you feel about the comment and why. What you think it meant, if you think he is shallow, why you think that, what else makes you think it, how do you react to other things in your life about him or anything else.

Your counsellor should not be giving a opinion.

notquitegrownup2 · 13/08/2015 13:47

A counsellor shouldn't be telling you what she thinks. She should be asking you what you think and reflecting it back to you:

Her: Do you think he was being shallow?
You: Yes, I suppose I have been worrying about that
Her: So you are worrying about him being shallow?

You: Yes I am!

The idea of counselling is for the counsellor to shine a light on your feelings for you, so that you can then work out whether you are in a good place. You have done that here: you are worrying about your weight. You believe that the culture you live in (do you read celebrity magazines?) mean that to be older and fatter is less attractive. You are now worrying that your boyfriend feels the same . . . .It's called projecting. You are projecting your fears onto him, so that you can blame him for them, rather than consider what you feel.

First, actions speak louder than words - does he love you/look after you/show he cares/talk to you/make you happy? Has his attitude to you changed since you have put on weight (or are you just worried that it might)?

Second - you have been through a difficult time, and have been comfort eating. Lots of us do that. It's not a crime (despite what a lot of our press suggest!) If you are getting some exercise, and eating sensibly most of the time and (most importantly) getting help for your problems so that you don't need to comfort eat - then you are doing well.

Third, if your culture is telling you that you have to be young and thin to be beautiful then think carefully if this is the culture that you want to be part of. We are a multicultural society - lots of groups of people with varying beliefs. Belonging to a group, reading their literature, making friends within that subculture - all of these activities reinforce those beliefs. I was ill once (in the days before the internet/24 hour TV) and a friend lent me a huge pile of celebrity magazines. Each day I could feel my self esteem slip, looking at the images everyday of young, supposedly successful/happy, thin, beautiful people. As soon as I was out of bed, I returned them all, pronto. Beautiful people, for me, are the people who do lovely things for other people, who are generous, who make me laugh, and who (usually) share food and wine very freely. But that is part of the culture to which I now belong. Doesn't that sound like a healthy place to be? Use counselling to choose where you want to be, and find out whether your boyfriend would like to be there too.

HTH

MrNoseybonk · 13/08/2015 13:53

I would be suspicious if he left out looks as part of his list.