Marriage takes work...

[cheeseycharlie]

Wise people say 'marriage is hard' and 'a successful marriage takes work'. What does this mean to you? What is your view on compromise and commitment and putting the other before yourself? What does the 'work' in the marriage actually entail?

What worldly advice would you give to a young adult embarking on the journey of a life together?

I haven't found it to be hard work. What I would say is that you need to make time for each other, which with the competing pressures of jobs, kids etc can be more difficult as time goes on, but that's the same as any relationship really. So you might have a long phone chat with your mum even if she chooses the most inconvenient time, or have a drink with a colleague who's fed up even if you're knackered after work. That type of thing. Same is true for a spouse. And sometimes a partner will be having difficulties for whatever reason and need a lot of support from you, and that will be hard. I think that's what people mean when they talk about marriage taking work.

Never understood the whole 'marriage/relationships take work' or are 'hard work' thing either. If you respect, understand and enjoy each other you'll work as a team and be able to deal with the challenges that come your way as a partnership. The relationships that take work are the ones that struggle to work. Is it not like attraction? If you find someone attractive, you don't have to work at finding them attractive, it's an instinct based on how they make you feel about them. If you have to work at attraction, does it not mean you're not attracted?

I think sometimes being married - or making any long term commitment to a partner - means doing the difficult thing rather than taking the easy way out.

It means saying no to that drink or curry after work because you promised OH you'd be back for bathtime;

It means getting up at 6.30 on a Saturday when your youngest wakes up because it's your OH's turn for a lie in;

It means cooking dinner instead of getting a takeaway because you're both trying to eat more healthily and save for Christmas.

It means spending weekends making small talk with your PILs even though you'd rather stab yourself in the eyeballs.

So, in that sense, I think marriage often makes demands of you that you wouldn't have to satisfy if you were single and could do exactly what you wanted. And satisfying those demands uses up your time and energy. But for most people, this is balanced out by the benefits of having a loving and supportive relationship.

And also - what SolidGoldBrass said.

I think 'work' is the wrong word. Marriage requires empathy, kindness and thought, all of which can be hard depending on the circumstance. The most important thing is that it requires that both partners engage. Women far too often take on the role of relationship martyr, sacrificing things and putting up with shitty behaviour while the man just does as he pleases.

All worthwhile human relationships take work. Discussion, agreement, compromise, all of this takes effort. Then in the case of marriage or living together you add the domestic chores, financial affairs, dealing with in-laws. Marriage involves hard work. The great thing is that if you get it right the rewards are out of all proportion to the effort you both put in.

Marriage can be hard due to adverse life events - when I became disabled plenty of DH's (now ex) friends said he should leave me as I was too hard to be with.
We've had to compromise about things we can do together (we used to do sports together, that's gone) and accept we can only have one child, stuff like that. That was hard. My earning and career potential plummeted for instance - we had to re-adjust quite a lot of our plans.
We decided the positives were worth the negatives and stayed together.

This statement is quite true 'Marriage takes work'

No two people are the same and there will always be differences of opinion on a diverse range of subjects.
You have to work through those differences and either compromise of change.

It's not hard work though

I see my marriage as being like any other friendship or relationship that I have in my life, if it stopped being fun and started being hard work I would break it off

Thats a particularly lightweight attitude to marriage that might explain the incredibly high divorce rate in the UK, if common.

I think BadLads sports/training analogy is good.

I think marriage requires you to be a bit more selfless, which can require some effort (doing something that you don't particularly enjoy, such as spending time with ILs/having curry instead of chinese/making the bed, because you know it will make your spouse happy) but the pay-off (your spouse's happiness) is worth it.

I think "hard work" for me means the continual effort you have to make.

We're all naturally selfish because we can only truly see our own point of view, so to make any relationship/friendship work you have to regularly step outside yoyr own head in order to empathise with someone else.

Friendship is 'work' in that respect.
Marriage is the same, but more intense because you see each other so much more and share your life/possessions/aspirations.
Parenting is the same, and a whole different level of intensity because the other party is helpless and even more selfish to begin with!

Marriage is unique in that you make that promise to make it work forever, and if you take that seriously there are going to be times when the thrill of love just doesn't cut it - you'll have to make very conscious active choices to do the right thing.

There's a brilliant bit in the film/play Closer when one of the characters has had an affair and his partner Alice itells him something like 'but you know that point you fell in love with the other women - there's always a point where you choose whether to fall in love with someone else or walk away.

There will be other times when you both do pretty well at being considerate of each other and it won't feel like work -

What makes a marriage work effortlessly seems to be when both parties always put the other first.

Imo how much work your marriage requires is probably directly correlated with how natural you both find putting others first.

It's jack squat to do with compatibility imo. I've know couples with nothing in common who get along great because they put each other first and couples who have loads in common who are miserable because they both focus too much on what they need rather than their spouse.

I wouldn't say marriage was "hard work", more making an effort and commitment to make it good. I would say that DH & I have a fantastic relationship, but we also have our "downs" and arguments.

But for example, it's "how" you argue. I always try to think about what I'm saying, be constructive, compromise and try very hard never to throw past transgressions up. Words, once said, can never be unsaid. We try to be kind to each other, and do little things that show we love each other. It's not a concious thing, but it's about being considerate and compromising when views differ. It's also about showing appreciation to each other and making them feel valued, loved and respected.

Admittedly, sometimes I want to throttle DH, because he's driven me batty. Same with him and me, no doubt.

Yes, it takes "work", because sometimes you need to remind yourself to do those things, but certainly not concious "hard work".

I feel my marriage is such hard work id rather head off and work on a Siberian gulag or similar.

Thing is, I am not afraid of hard work and am naturally a bit of a problem solver - opposite to my DH (unless it benefits him directly)

I think that my heart is now officially broken. I've worked so hard but to no avail.

I worry that I will never experience a partnership where we genuinely have eachothers' backs. that I will never feel desired, truly appreciated for ME etc etc.

Would never want to work so hard at something again.

Cailindana I agree with you...

I think the key thing is that, when there are difficulties (health issues for either partner or for a child/money worries/one or both having a demanding job or tough time at work) then both partners are still making an effort to improve the situation. If only one person is compromising, giving things up, prioritizing the rest of the family rather than him/herself, then then that's too much hard work and the selfish partner must either pull his/her weight or be prepared to be divorced.

(Oh, and it is fair to say that some jobs are more demanding than others. If one partner is (eg) a firefighter or paramedic who might come home exhausted after failing to save an injured child or something then that partner doesdeserve a bit of downtime and comfort on particularly bad days. Just having had to stay late in order to tidy up your spreadsheets is not quite the same thing.)

Running a marathon is hard work. Pushing a boulder up a hill only to find it rolls back down and you have to start again is hard work. It all comes down to whether your other half is your running mate or a useless lump of rock.