This is a massive post, sorry! Split with dp and really desperate/hoping for support. Background...
Met 7 years ago. Lived in my house. Got pregnant, he bought us a bigger house. He insisted on the house being in his name only. He said he earned the money and I didn't have to worry about things like that. He wanted us to be like his parents (she's never worked/raised the kids/been happily married forever). I offered to pay half the mortgage with my earnings in return for my name on the deeds; he wouldn't have it.
We then went through a rough time; lost our gorgeous twins shortly after they were born. I packed in my career as I just couldn't cope. Things were dark for both of us, although we were still very much in love, just coping with grief.
I started getting a bit tetchy regarding marriage. I craved some emotional security after everything and loved him very much. We had a brief talk on it, he said marriage wasn't important to him, so I walked. No argument, just 'we're on different pages'. Fast forward a week... He proposes! I was ecstatic, he was apologetic and said he just needed a shove in the right direction. We planned another baby and after everything that had happened with our beautiful twins (genetic issues) this wasn't a light decision. We could have been planning another funeral. Dc comes along, I'm thinking we've got our happy ending.
Fast forward to registering the birth. Another argument as he didn't want to discuss marriage. But basically said everyone would think I was a slag if the baby took my name as it would look like I did not know the father.
Over the years my resentment towards him has built up regarding his non willingness to commit both financially and emotionally. We could have the smallest argument and I explode. I've said nasty things in my time. I've done nasty things. I've always apologised, not that that excuses poor behaviour. When dc was younger, it all got too much and I moved out. He made me feel like it was all my fault... I caused all the arguments, then I "moved out and took his baby away". But we had a chat; sorted our issues, things were going well, had another beautiful baby, promised we'd discuss marriage the following year.
So I brought up marriage the following year... We were happy and everything was good. He just shut down. I started getting angry again and I suppose emotionally disengaging.
There's arguments we had 5 years ago that he still resents me for. He gives me money for food and bills and stops this money if we have an argument. He says he "throws money at me" while he works, he doesn't seem to see any value of my taking care of the dc's. He talks a lot about how lucky I am to have a nice house/don't have to work. He says he's sick of putting up with me. Things got really bad at the start of this year... I found out he'd been disqualified for drink driving buy not told me. He'd continued to let me drive his car uninsured (unknown to me) and he'd continued to drive our children about whilst banned/uninsured. He apologised when I hit the roof; but now the subject of marriage has been brought up again, he's decided it's my fault that he lied to me/he was stressed. Whenever he does anything wrong, he says "it's not like I've cheated" or "I don't remember".
This, coupled with no commitment and a silly argument we had last week has resulted in me staying with my parents and telling him we are over.
I know he has given me a nice life, in a nice house and I feel lucky to be a sahm. When we're ok, he's my best friend. We laugh, talk, I respect him and he's a brilliant dad. But how can I just stay with someone who won't commit?
I'm so utterly devastated. I know I've been stupid regarding protecting myself financially and I'm not entirely sure why... I just trusted him and loved him. He always assured me he loved me too and I guess I thought that after all we'd be through and being in love; we'd get through anything. I'm old fashioned in my views on relationships (probably how I ended up in this mess) and just thought you work through things.
It hurts like hell that he's just disregarded everything between us and isn't bothered. We had our happy ending when we were blessed with our babies and I thought that was us for life. Why does someone say they love you, have babies with you, then shit on you from a great height? I don't even know who I am anymore, I gave up everything for this man. I feel so betrayed, angry, guilty... I feel so sad that our beautiful babies were supposed to be from a stable loving home. He's offered for us to continue living in 'his' house on the basis that he's only there on a weekend... Doesn't seem to see how upsetting that this would be for me and it's equally upsetting that he's strong enough to do that. I just don't know where to turn because my life has been about him for so long. What more could I have done to make it work? Someone give me a slap or some wine!!!