Looking for 3rd Party Input..

[MustDoBetter0001]

Right first off Dad/Stepdad here so please feel free to move me if I am in the wrong place.

SitRep: Co-habiting after both having long relationships which ended on a Bum note, were childhood friends from Age 10 till now and DW (Other half, the lady in the relationship) Is a vibrant Family Focussed, Child Focussed parent who wants nothing more than and Happy loving relationship, with lots of friends and children involved. Still works one day per week after the birth of our Child.

She's a 10, A man magnet too, although she doesn't know it, Likes a good drink, Holidays, Parties, Facebook, takeaways etc

Me, SME owner, work about a million hours in a week, very hollowed out after my last relationship and seriously don't see myself in the mirror just a stranger. Never really wanted children Now have three ( two inherited, one joint) Don't drink, don't smoke, don't do much of anything besides work any more.

I'm not sure what I am, but prefer to cuddle up on the sofa watch a movies, Holidays I find a massive stress as I am away from the job and its not quite in the position where its self sustaining yet. it still needs a lot of decision from me and also outsourcing the work to other costs me money.

I am the main income earner, anything with a direct debit is my responsibility apart from Sky and the food bills

OH is currently on Holiday with family, the reason I am not there are three fold.

Last two holidays have been a disaster in terms of work/ life work right up to the dot and then meet family at the airport, get back to the airport and depart straight to next job.

Whilst on Holiday, stress through the roof and due previous statement was on the back foot

finally work conditions on this occasions, (totally outside of my control) have hit me hard, with staff leaving and equipment failing without warning.

12 months ago, I got a business coach and I no longer work one day a week, I have with a couple of exceptions stuck to it.

whilst she is holiday I am decorating the house so the carpet fitter can come and do his thing, her car cost just short of a grand to put in condition for her to go on holiday in it, and the cost of the carpet would wipe out the savings so I paid for the car and am spending the time I am not at work decorating the house. This actually started the thread

I am trying to run a business, be a father and a partner, but its very apparent I am coming up well short.

We tried an exercise the other night with post it notes about what we want to be in 2020 and her items were such as

"social Life", "Nice family holidays", "Be able to talk to me about awkward subjects with out me burying my head in the sand"

We agreed on the kids stuff

As part of the decorating I want to put something on the wall ( something I hate doing by the way) that will inspire me (and the three boys) to be better men.

I have two blank canvas's and have found a company to do the vinyl lettering so I was thinking

"With love we make our house our home"

If anyone has similar ideas or suggestions of wall inspiring statements I am all ears or if you have comments on any of the above I will be happy of the input as I put earlier, no friends...

What exactly do you think you are giving to this family?

You've described being entirely and unhealthily obsessed with work to the exclusion of anything else, being controlling over the family money and being so grumpy she doesn't even want to go on holiday with you anymore and you are decorating the house without even discussing it with her and are not over your last relationship.

It sounds as if you've either checked out of the relationship or you were never in it in the first place.

OP, are you able to the identify the causes and effects in this tangle of issues?
IMO you need a couples relationship counsellor and not a business mentor, because I think you have become marginalised, for reasons you must explore, in your roles as father and partner.

You may find that OH has reached a decision on her own about your future on return from hols because of your lack of dialogue.

OP, have you considered forming or joining a men's group? It's not a particularly UK thing, but I have found in my work with men that there is a sore need to have a community where there is support and a place to talk -- away from pubs, sport, etc. I mean a proper men's group.

The Mankind Project might be a good place to start. You sound anchorless and devoid of meaning. It feels like you're entering a midlife crisis. Family can help, but I disagree with most posters here that diving fully into family life is going to sort it for you. You will only be able to do that from a different foundation, and you build that either through appropriate peer support, and/or through therapy.

Best of luck.

Does this business of yours bring in any money? Quite often men who are this workaholicky and run their own 'businesses' are doing something that's useless/unsustainable/a vanity project or one of those idiotic pyramid trading schemes.
The way you describe your partner also suggests that you are hung up on appearing like the Big Man with the perfect trophy wife (despite the fact that you don't appear to like her much or consider her wishes and feelings, you want to 'keep' her because she looks the way a proper wife/girlfriend should look according to mainstream culture - will you dump her if she gains weight or refuses to have Botox/) and you probably don't really know who you are any more.

My businesd turns over enough and makes enough for me to pay tax but not higher rate.

By man magnet i need to clarify. She gets lots of approaches. Buts a size 18-16 5ft 6.

What strikes me most about your post is the comment about her being a 10, a man magnet. Are you so busy trying to live up to your own vision of what such a man magnet may require in a partner that you have forgotten to actually stop, listen to her, listen to your own heart, find common ground, take the time to be happy with one another? You are stressed to the gills trying to tick all sorts of boxes: owns own business, successful, does decorating/carpets to create home that she wants, provides for step and own children, etc.etc. Are these actually what she wants you to do, or just what you think she wants you to do? I think they all have their place but are not the most important thing - which is just connecting with each other. You seem to have turned yourself into some robotic automaton with the stress of ticking the other boxes. Does she put that stress on you or is it just your own expectation of what a "10" deserves?

I think you should try for a better life/work balance. My husband has found practising 'Mindfulness' very helpful. The book "Celebrating Silence" offers many inspirational thoughts and quotes to help refocus your thinking on what matters. You don't sound very happy. I think you need to concentrate on finding some inner peace and joy. I wish you well.

Strewth, gave me a headache reading your op, seems very little love expressed.
I'm with Offred on this; you're attempting to be all things to all people to the exclusion of actually being part of a loving relationship with your DS and children. It almost as if you regard them and the situation from a distance and in a very analytical way with little real emotional involvement or investment in the actual relationship and marriage.

20 years ago you could have been my DH writing this. It was only by bloody hard work and a total change in his career/lifestyle that our marriage survived.
You need to step back, slow down and really think about what they and you need if anything positive is to come out of this.

Op you sound massively anxious and as if you may need some help managing this anxiety. This post suggests you are unable to think or articulate clearly. Big letters on a wall and post it notes won't help your life in any way. Use this time while your oh is away to visit your doctor and get yourself referred for counseling, mindfulness, whatever is suggested.

"My businesd turns over enough and makes enough for me to pay tax but not higher rate."

Seriously? It's not worth it. Get a 9-5 job, remove the stress.

For the type of stress and input you describe I'd expect you to have an income in the hundreds of thousands and a business worth at least a couple of million.

How did your 'business coach' analyse this for you? Presumably told you to pay him a lot of money and take one day off a week?

I agree with other posters:

1. before long there will be no relationship
2. never put any words on the wall. If you must do some sort of vomit inducing quote, just do it as a picture in a frame, then you can move it, take it down, stamp on it when you realise how annoying they are.

Please don't do a canvas with motivational messages on it. They always make me feel like I'm being shouted at. Can't you get some tester pots and decorate the canvas in a more creative, family way - maybe the boys are a bit old, but what about covering the whole thing in handprints like an abstract pattern (ie, so you can't see they're handprints and it doesn't look like a nursery project).

And yes, your OP did make me feel anxious too. The fact that you say you don't see yourself in the mirror, just a stranger, is very sad.

So your business is not really viable then... Is it?

Do you employ anyone in your 'business'? Are you able to pay your employee/s a living wage? I appreciate that running a small business or being self-employed is stressful and difficult, but sometimes there has to come a point where you realise that what you are doing is never going to be any more viable and you are basically just wanking.

Did you use to be in the military, or does the phrase "SitRep" come from somewhere else?

My ex-in-laws kept giving us "motivational messages" to hang on the wall, usually saying how important it was to clean up or something of that nature. They did not inspire me to clear up but instead made me feel as if my in-laws were saying my home was a mess. If you are unlucky, your wife might misunderstand your message as meaning that she is not loving enough.

"Be able to talk to me about awkward subjects with out me burying my head in the sand"

This really stood out for me, op. I would take this on board if I were you. Sounds as though she feels she can't communicate with you. This will kill your relationship dead if you don't address it. I know this from experience. Listen to what she has told you.

For what it's worth I admire you seeking help on here. And for decorating. The canvas is a nice idea in theory but may backfire? At least you are actively trying to make things better.

Start off by listening to her, what she has to say, with respect and interest. And converse with her. Stop burying your head in the sand.

Good luck.

suggestion for making lists, goals

sticks onto any surface, peels off with no marks

wipeboard wall paper

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B001P5UAV8/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=569136327&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B00CJC9FPI&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_r=1FN3CZFQHNDMR77ANFBQ

Suggest it would be better to have family photos of you all enjoying your holidays together on the wall

Or some sort of collage where you buy a clip frame & stick memories from each family holidays; photos, tickets, sweet wrappers, magazine cuttings, leaflets

You can make this for each family holiday & then you will have memories to look back on

Your absence from the family holiday is concerning. Your actions speak louder than words.

Spending quality time with friends & family is priceless

By your actions you are saying that you value your work & money more than your family

Suggest you address your work v family life balance

I do not think spending time decorating the house is going to make up for not going on holiday