I know this is really trivial, but cant get it out of my head and don't know what to do.
Visited MIL last Sunday with DH and dc and had a lovely time. Getting ready to go and I popped to the loo, came out and dc are in the livingroom and dh and mil alone in the kitchen.
Overheard the end of their conversation - mil in full on hand wringing wavery voice worry mode telling dh that he absolutely must no matter what answer the phone every time she rings. DH said yes, they saw me and the conversation ended. Didnt say anything at the time, was too shocked really, but wish I had thought quickly enough to step in to diffuse it with something like a really light "really Mil, even on the loo, dont be silly, if theres a problem we'll let you know" type chat.
Background - in my family the phone rings, you answer it, unless in the bath or on the loo or similar. If it's important my Mum would ring back or if not she'd leave a message saying just ringing for a chat, no need to call back, speak in a few days. DH always use to just answer if he fancied a chat. I, stupidly, a few years into our relationship said something along the lines of you really should answer when your Mum rings if you can, what if somethings wrong and she needs you? So he started answering all the time until it got to the point where we were out for Valentines, mid meal and the phone rings, it's his Mum, he's going to ignore it, I say you may as well answer now shes disturbed us or she'll just ring again later. He answers, she says "oh sorry, didnt realise you were still out I'll ring back in an hour", I'm gesticulating, Nooooooo, he agrees then says to me it's ok I can just not answer if we're busy. He wont just say actually please dont ring back later / or please dont ring tomorrow as he thinks it will upset her. Que conversation with me realising that our sex life is pretty much non-existant partly because knowing your mil is going to ring every single evening / night and it's a bit of a mood killer. I appologised for asking him to always answer / not understanding their family dynamic.
He also has self esteem issues, struggles to say no to anyone in authority and doesnt want to hurt his mums feelings so saying no to her in that state would be pretty much impossible for him and he'd feel to blame for her state - never gets in those states with me, very messed up but she seems to see us as co-parents and him as the child, which I hate as hes an adult, an equal. Also very good at "oh no," the world has ended type responses to any even mild problems which doesnt help his esteem.
SIL similarly seems to answer once a week "at our allotted time" (MIL's lament), but only at other times if she fancies a chat. MIL's often complained to me that she's not spoken to SIL "for a long time" and is "worried about her". Only very recently have I realised that "a long time" is a week. Surely it's not unreasonable for an adult child to only want a phone catch up with their parent once a week?
We've had a rough patch, he's not behaved well but is now working on our relationship. Recently he's been making an effort to make sure we have quality time in an evening and family day on a Sunday, it was lovely. Until the conversation that neither of them know I heard the end of I didnt even know she was ringing at those times as he was with us and not paying attention to his phone. Now we're back to her ringing every single bloody day during meal time / the little bit of quality time we have in the evenings and on Sunday and him answering (assume she was ringing before, but I didnt know because he was choosing not to let her calls interupt quality time with us - whilst still chatting to her at least a couple of times per week).
Dont know what to do, if I talk to him he'll feel bad because he agreed and trapped in the middle between upsetting us (me?) and his mum. If I speak to her it will mean going behind his back and be a bigger deal than if I'd just said something at the time...
Sorry for the essay