Help - on holiday crying in car because DP angry

[Whattodowithangrydp]

Name changed

I don't know what to do.

Just stopped at a service station and DP suddenly leans forward and then runs out of the car and goes out of sight.

I apologise to the couple we are on holiday with and go to find him. Laying on the ground hyperventilating. This isn't the first time this has happened. I coax him back to the car.

Eventually he tells me it was because out friend who was driving sat on the edge of the driving seat and creased the leather and it "made me so angry I want to kill things".

Background to this is that he has confessed to anger issues before but doesn't ever explode at people....if that makes sense. It's been getting worse and he is booked in to see a psychotherapist when we get back.

I am exhausted and upset. I feel like I have a needy toddler habing tantrums. I am suffering from anxiety myself and need a lot of time to give myself support and space.

I am basically typing this because I am abroad and have no one to talk to right now. And to give me some focus to stop being all teary in front of our friends. DP now driving to give him something to focus on.

Any advice? He is mild mannered and laid back 90% of the time. He has never got angry at me directly. No DC, 3 years together, 30s.

For now, I would confide in your friends and get some support. In fact they might find it helpful themselves to understand a bit more what is going on. They can hardly be oblivious to the situation.

What do you want to do in the longer term?

I am not staying if he won't sort it out. I can't. But I don't know how long to give it. I have been incredibly supportive up till now (I think!) but my emotional resources are a bit shot now.

Do you mean you're not staying with him once you return home after the holiday?

I think that sounds like a plan. You need to deal with your own anxiety and healing; and he needs to focus on his psychotherapy and his own progress.

No wonder you suffer from anxiety if you're with this man! Your stomach must be knotted all the time.

I am historically terrible at leaving bad relationships. I know it's the best thing to do but I am scared of how he will cope or how he might react. I just need to bite the bullet but it's hard.

He needs to own his own problems and his own treatment / recovery. He has a plan in place for some therapy - so let him get on with it.

Don't feel guilty. That will trap you.

Op, you could think of yourself as taking a break whilst he gets help. Give him 3-6m then meet and discuss?

Were your friends previously aware of his issues? Is it possible for him to return home early ? Tbh it sounds like a really stressful situation for all concerned.

We are on the way home now. They are aware he has periods of low mood. They are being good at supporting him.

And yes, I know I have my own life. I need to get brave and remember that.

Oh, dear. This sounds very stressful. It does sound as though the relationship is not working. However, please don't do it while you're abroad, or when he's anywhere near a car. He sounds impulsive and unstable, which could be very dangerous indeed if he's driving!

Scared of how he'll react? How he'll cope? Goodness, you must be in knots constantly!

Here's the thing, there's no point setting yourself on fire, just to keep somebody else warm.

Thanks all. Out of car for a day trip now. Back in UK tomorrow....

Gosh OP, this sounds exhausting.

Would he normally react to such tiny stressors as "people not sitting right"? Has he ever been assessed for OCD or perhaps for autism? His reaction just sounds hugely disproportionate.

As there are no DC involved, I think taking a break (if not an outright split) would be a good idea for you.

I think he probably has mild aspergers and he agrees. He's going to get tested/see professionals etc as soon as we get back. This has all got worse since he started a new job with much longer hours.

I thought OCD as well. I have OCD, and when I am very symptomatic, someone doing something 'wrong' makes me burst in to tears or run away, but I could see how someone might get really angry instead.

TBH, if he does have OCD, that is probably a good thing as if he commits to treatment he can definitely make himself (and by extension, you) a lot more relaxed and happy.

CBT, especially ERP is the usual treatment for OCD.

Safely back now. He is pretty contrite and is seeing a therapist today. I want to support him but it is finding a balance between supporting him and looking out for myself.

We had a long chat and both agree that he probably is somewhere on the Autism spectrum. I would like to know, but he thinks it would make no difference (and potentially that he might start using it as "an excuse"). Not sure about OCD - I don't know enough.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am still feeling completely emotionally spent.