Are all men selfish self-centred control freaks?? (To some degree)��

[BLaw007]

A bit of Back ground.. ????????????????

My DH works hard - self employed own business (which I do all the marketing, website and admin 4 in my spare time) and which over the years I've had to give financial backing for.

I work a full time job (traveling UK) look after our 3 DCs (all under 5) manage the house and 2 dogs!

When my DH started his business we agreed I would pay the majority of the household bills in the joint account until he had X amount in his float. He exceed X amount several months ago and made the announcement that from here on going forward I will always pay all household bills (pretty much all my wages) and he will invest the rest in his business float and will give me cash if needed and pay the food bill and childcare and holidays (we have no holidays!)

I always end up paying the majority of food bill, he doesn't get what we need when he goes & if I have to go get the food shopping that being 'my decision' so I have to foot the bill...
He only pays for the kids to go to childcare 3 days per week.. I work 5 days doesn't take a genius to do the math (I have to work from home balance my diary and try to look after 3 under 5s and work + home chores!)
He never gives me any spare cash although he pays for a take away perhaps once per week and will buy me a bottle of wine at a weekend.
It's quiet frustrating as I am left with £109 to my name for the rest of the month and he has several thousand sat in his account (we couldn't even afford drinks at the park today from the cafe we had to take a flask but kids enjoyed it none the less) and he's also bought himself a motorbike this month (I agree to it but still...I mention some new shoes and he tells me I get to go to the national trust with the kids so I have a hobbie)

I also swear he thinks magically the children get clothed/shoes/hair cuts automatically - he has never contributed...or offered even when prompted (he has bought trainers once for 2 of DC)

In addition to the financial situation he comes home from work at say 6, after 10 minutes he wants the kids in bed they are giving him headache, too noisy, he wants to relax etc!!! He has been out with us 4 times as a family this year he says the children are at difficult ages and it's not enjoyable...????????
The whole house as soon as he is home walks on egg shells and have to centre around his needs.. I mean excuse me?!
He has a dog that is his (he wanted a big dog) that I have to walk while he lulls on the sofa (he does feed them) his dirty washing can't normally make it to the wash basket and dirty plates get shoved in the sink (even when dishwasher is empty I pick up more after him that each of the kids)
God forbid there are not enough fresh towels or clean work shirt!
He does do a lot of DIY (we bought a doer upper) but not as much as he makes out and he thinks this gives him a pass card for anything else!

He speaks to me generally like something he's stepped in and we rarely agree but he will not listen to an opinion (from me! He is a gent with everyone else) different to his own if I continue to speak I normally get something thrown in my direction.
I ask for support and he takes the mickey and says I'm being needy... And to sort my head out. So I know have to revert to telling him anything he might not like by phone when we aren't around! (I don't want the drama or door slamming) it's never productive and I'm always told im never happy or want to much or I know where the door is!
He never asks me how I am, doesn't buy me gifts for birthdays, anniversary (no card for anniversary either this year) sex is when he wants it how he wants it..! (Sorry too much info)

Am I over reacting??
I feel like he gets off on the control
I don't want my dc to think it's acceptable to treat women like this

I sometimes wonder if it was not for our history (Childhood sweethears) and that he was the children's father and being still attracted to him that I wouldn't be with him. Makes me feel so shallow.

I've texted him today and tried to explain how I feel (at breaking point that I'm thinking of leaving and taking DCs) and he just 'lol get a grip u brat u need ur head testing I do nothing but work' now he's ignoring me and I can't speak to him face to face when he's home as don't want a scene

Any realistic advise would be kindly received please??

P.s I don't have family and only 1 best friend with her own relationship problems and 2 DCs

I'm Worn out and exhausted Xxxx

What the hell? DH is definitely not like this and I would not still be with him if he was. Get out. Get your children out.

Get yourself some legal advice today OP. for you. You all deserve much, much more.

You definitely need to get out the mind set that this is a gender issue, it's not, he's just an absolute horror of a man.

Being attracted to him wouldn't even come close to equalling the way he is treating you, it's so wrong.

You can't explain anything to this type of man, he doesn't care, he's only out for himself and enjoys making you feel bad, no definitely a role model your kids should not be witnessing.

As for avoiding tension, it's always a good idea to just be polite and pleasant. Don't let him see you upset, even if he is trying to upset you. Be courteous, civil and utterly unreachable. Keep your cards close to your chest until, as another poster says, you have all your ducks in a row. And then run like the wind.

A word of warning - this bastard likes having you under his control and he won't let his little kingdom go without a fight, so be prepared for crocodile tears, threats, promises to be better etc. It's all lies, if he respected or loved you he would never have treated you like this, so make sure all his pleas fall on deaf ears. Do you not have any family, friends or colleagues who could help you?

Ah I just saw that you don't have any family and only one friend with her own issues. How about a work colleague that you trust, preferably female? Did you have friends before that he has isolated you from or encourage you not to see?

IS it even legal to have the mortgage in your sole name but ownership in joint names? Are the mortgage company/bank aware that he is 50% owner?

Don't whatever you do give him sole ownership. If you separate that property should be all yours if you've paid all the mortgage.

You need a solicitor QUICK - because your 'd'h is ripping you off big time.

Wake up woman, he's shafting you in every way.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. As others said, prepare yourself (paperwork you'll need copies of, etc), get legal advice, and LTB.

By the way, he seems controlling, so he probably is the type to spy on your internet history. You should cover your tracks so he doesn't get forewarned by this thread.

We looked at getting a new mortgage a few months ago and he couldn't so that's why I know, not that it was going to be in his sole name - he would rather have it down in black and white that I have to pay.

I've enquired about a house to rent today the land lady says she will speak with her husband if he says yes and I come up with the cash straight away then we can move straight it... Keeping our fingers crossed but feel scared at the same time
Mainly financially about being stuck paying for 2 houses.

DH (d for dickhead) still not answering my calls his last text was that ::: I know what I need to do (meaning I know where the door is) and he has nothing to hide (about his behaviour) and to sort my head out and I'm never happy that u y he stopped trying ages ago!

I don't think he actually expects me to leave in the slightest..

Emotionally I'm drained and could collapse in a heap but house won't run itself.

Thank u for all the comments and suggestions xx

I have my dad who will maybe able to offer some financial support for a bond and deposit

I work remotely at home so no colleagues as such

All my support network is based on his large family who I love but will stand by him regardless although they will probably stay civil with me xx

I don't think he believes you either, stop engaging with him OP, he will just drain you further, get your plans in place, you can do this.

He doesn't have your back so don't look to him for anything.

Both he and the dog need to be rehomed, no question.

Your life will be so much easier without them.

And just for the record, you are an amazing capable woman and will be better off both emotionally and financially once you extradite yourself from this wanker.

Take control of your own life, don't let him continue to run it on his basis.

Hi OP, I've never told any wife to leave her husband but after ready your post I'm shocked, sincerely shocked that you've lasted with a 'man' that treats his family and you in the way he does!

Has he always been this way or has he slowly got worse and worse? X

Are all women irritating harpies who sit at home watching Jeremy Kyle and shopping for handbags and shoes online?

Of course not.

Same answer goes for the question you asked in your "headline". Of course not all men are selfish self-centred control freaks.

Unfortunately, you chose to marry one who is. Please don't tar all men with the same brush.

He speaks to me generally like something he's stepped in and we rarely agree but he will not listen to an opinion (from me! He is a gent with everyone else) different to his own if I continue to speak I normally get something thrown in my direction

I try to pick my battles as he does have a temper and I have had beer bottles throw in my direction before now

So what exactly is your deal-breaker???? As above (people have posted) you seem entirely too passive. People that love and/or respect for you, don't behave like that. This bully (I hate bullies) does not love or respect you (he probably doesn't even like you). So why would you stay with him

DrSethHazlittMD I was tempted to respond along the same lines. But I think after reading OP's problems, her sexist generalisation can be forgiven.

Oh you are so not overreacting.

He is living the life of Reilly at your cost and to your detriment.

And no, it is no acceptable for one partner to treat another like this.

Hope you can get the rental and move out OP - you sound like you are well on the right track.

You need to arrange it that you're feeding and clothing one less person.

Not to mention one less dog!

Good luck with the house to rent, and with finding a good solicitor.

Thank you

Keep posting as long as you like. You need as much support as you can gather and it sounds like you don't have a lot in real life. Women's Aid are also great for support.

Have a look at the thread openers on this thread if you feel yourself wobbling about whether you should go or not.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2360895-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-thread-31

Stay calm and act normal till you have everything in place. Remember that this man is your enemy. He is not a loving partner. he doesn't love you. He thinks you are an object that exists for his benefit.
Therefore it is absolutely fine to lie and mislead him up until you can end the marriage and either move out or force him out. Do not trust or believe anything he says. He is not in charge. He is not above the law and will be compelled to pay child support in future whether he likes it or not.