I need advice- should I stay or should I go

[whatshouldido]

I just had another huge fight with my husband, and this was after not really talking to him for 3 days after a big fight on Wednesday. This is going to be too long for this, but basically I am seriously thinking of leaving him, but I hesitate because of our kids(2) But honestly in the last year, since I found out he was unfaithful to me, I have tried my hardest to work on our relationship, found a therapist, listened to his complaints about me, tried to change those things I could, tried to be mindful of those I couldn't. But I honestly don't feel like he has done much to change. He blames me for a lot of things(one reason he had the affair was I didn't keep the house clean enough!!!) and even though he is the one who storms off(leaving me with the kids) he blames me for our fights. I just honestly have no idea who this man is anymore. I don't like the way he treats my kids, I don't have the same life goals as him. But I am scared because I am a sahm, have little job options, have little support where I am, would have to move back to my hometown(not in the UK), leaving him thousands of miles away. I just feel so stuck and I just don't know what to do. Today I was so angry that when he left me again, I changed my summer plane tickets to fly home to this Tuesday(which cost me a lot of money), and he got really angry when I told him. But now I regret it, as what will I do there with no home, no job(but I would have my family and friends.)I just wish someone would sweep me away. I just do not know what to do. Please any advice would be appreciated.

darling sorry to be so blunt but he soudsn like a prize wan**r
To have an affiar at all is unjustifiable and for giving that reason he deserves a smack around the ears.
Maybe a break would bo good, if he wants you at all, he has to change
as for his complaints about you, try listing your complaints about him, to him and ask him to bend through hoops for a change. sounds like kick to the kerb for me lady
I am sorry for what you are going through, do try to remember your true worth and not let him place a poor value on you.

One life so use it wisel
y. Yes, it will be hard in the short term but in the long term you'll be fine. Dont regret no leaving now in years to come. He's not worth wasting yourself for.

You have to trust your instincts on this one. I was in a similar postion a couple of years ago, only my h did not have an affair - we were just fighting all the time and he was the angry controlling one and I was too scared to do anything as I am a sahm as well and my family are overseas. Luckily everything came to a head and he realised what he was doing and everything is great now, but for a while I was seriously considering the same thing that you are considering now and felt the same anguish you are going through (it felt like I was looking back in my past when I read your post).

I can honestly say that if he hadn't have changed I would have definitely moved back to my parents with our 2 kids as there is no way you can put up with that.

It sounds as if he cannot come to terms with him being in the wrong and as a result is clutching at straws (we are always fighting about my mess in the house but there is no way in the world my h would cheat on me because of that!). I don't think you were seeing the right therapist if it was all about you trying to change for him!! Was anything discussed in therapy on what he had to change?

I think if there is any chance you do feel like staying you have to see a therapist again, because he is in complete denial about holding any blame in this affair he had. He has obviously not come to terms with this and as a result blames you as the truth would be too appalling for him.

Whatever you do, don't stay for the sake of the kids or because you fell too scared too leave. If you would be happier with your family and friends, then you should just go because life is too short

He sounds a lot like my ex. I changed for him, but he didnt change for me. He never did anything for me, and I got to a point where I felt like his mum, and we always argued. I realised that I didnt love him, and the best thing for me and my dd was to leave him (or kick him out should I say) as if I werent happy, I knew dd wouldnt b. But Ive managed to cope on my own, and finally on a path to happiness.

But I agree with ripley, you have to go with your instincts, and think about what do u want. Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? And dont just stay with him because he's the father of your kids. I did that and wish I hadnt, as I spent those months miserable.

Good luck whatshouldido. Thinking of you xx

I agree with Tammybear. Before I chucked my (soon to be x)h out after only 1yr 9mths of marriage, I asked myself a question and knew instinctively that getting shot of him would make me happy.

I told him what the question and answer was when we had the "I want you to leave" conversation happened:

If we carry on as we are (and have been), will I regret it in 5 years? 5 months, 5 days?
The answer to all this was "yes". To be honest, even 5 hours was too much to bear at that point. I didn't love him, or even like him and this is not what mine and my ds' life was meant to be like. I said goodbye to him the next morning, and haven't looked back since. My family and friends all supported me, as you have said, yours will support you - and they could see how miserable I had become.

As Ripley said: you have to trust your instincts.
Good luck Whatshouldido, I am sure you will make the best decision. x

I just want to echo what the others have said here. It really sounds as if you have tried hard to mend the problems in your relationship but are getting nothing in return. There is only so long you can go on banging your head against a brick wall, imo. The sad fact is that some marriages simply aren't going to last forever, and if you know in your heart you have tried to make it work then you shouldn't fear walking away from an unhappy situation. He has been unfaithful to you and you've tried to forgive and forget, but aren't being allowed to move the relationship on, or so it seems.

My dh and I have just separated after only 2.5 years of marriage. We have a 10 month old son. I know people will always say that we didn't try hard enough, but I had got to the point where I couldn't stand the constant fighting, bitterness, anger, resentment. I was becoming physically ill over it all. I am lucky in that I now live with my parents who are a big help in lots of ways, but it hasn't made the decision to end the marriage any easier. Dh is in fact the one who has moved away (back to the US) and sends me regular emails detailing exactly why I am a bad wife and mother and why I have destroyed his life. He is acting like a spoilt child, a victim, when in fact it was (mostly) his horrible behaviour that drove me to demand the separation. He is another one who won't accept responsibility for his actions and just palms the blame off onto me. It's more convenient that way, I guess!

Life is too short to spend it being miserable. If leaving is what your heart is telling you, do it. It will hurt and it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. ((((hugs))))

Moominmama - you poor luv. We instinctely know if our marriage is not going to last - even if it has only been a few months. Like you, I tried and am happier now he is no longer living with me and my ds.

Just wanted to say that you should not have to take his email abuse, I am very angry for you. Why not put a block on his emails?
However, I would print out and keep all the emails incase you need them in the future, say for instance if he moves back here or requests your child goes to the US to stay or something, you can produce the evidence regarding his behaviour if necessary. Just a thought. All women are better off without "men" like our husbands. I just pity the next woman in line.

He sounds impossible but his reaction - i.e. it's all your fault - is very common in my experience of relationships that go wrong.
However before you leave the country is there somewhere else you could go - a friend you could stay with for a couple of weeks? - to see if he's prepared to talk more seriously about his side of the bargain once he's seen you're serious and prepared to go?

moominmama86 - my ex is like that, blames everything on me, but on saturday night i was talking to him on msn, and he was saying im depriving him of being a proper dad, but i set him straight and told him it was his choice to move away (as he doesnt live locally anymore) and i kept asking him to change when we were together and he didnt. he never took me out, and i had to do all the cleaning etc. i even had to clean his s**t up! Not what exactly romantic is it?

His mum kept saying we ought to go for relationship counselling, as thats what they did when they were going through a rough patch. But I think she only wanted us to do that so ex will still be with dd. But I wasnt going to stay unhappy just because he's dd's father.

I also told him that one day Im going to find someone else (which I already have ) and Ill be married and have a family one day, and he thinks I'll do that just in spite, and just to piss him off! I couldnt help but laugh.

I don't have anyone here at all that I could ask to stay with. We have only been here about 6 months(in this area). And to be truthful I haven't told anyone about how terrible our relationship has become(except our therapist) I am embarresed. I am so torn as I feel on one hand "if only he would change" and then knowing that that is not possible to MAKE someone change, it has to come from within. It is very hasty for me to go, but how else can he possibly know how I feel. I feel that he needs a big wake up call. But even now, yesterday and today when I tell him that I am leaving he still blames me. He said let's just go back to tuesday and forget that this last week happened, and I keep saying I was unhappy before Tuesday. He just doesn't get it!

He's blaming you because the reality is too hard for him to contemplate - that he is the author of all your problems. Don't give into his guilt trip. There is nothing to be embarressed about when it comes to things like this. I know how you are feeling because I remember feeling the same way but I think you'll find that if you open up to somebody you know you'll feel a lot less burdened. I even talked to some psychics at the time because I was so desperate for some answers.

Have you talked to your family about any of this and if so what are their thoughts? You are right about him needing a wake-up call and if he doesn't listen to you then it is essential that you are strong about this and go through with leaving, if only to make him see sense. Maybe you should talk to a citizen's advice in your area and ask what your options are if you were to leave.

I haven't told my family anything. My mother was in a similar situation with my father, but he ended up leaving him(and me and my siblings) so I feel like that taints he view of things. I honestly feel though if I leave then I am not coming back. It has been a struggle to be here, I have not met anyone and I am really lonely. I feel like if I go home there would be no reason to return. I keep hoping he will phone me and say please don't go, because I feel like then I would know he was taking me seriously. But he thinks I won't go. I just think about going home and I know it will be a struggle but at least I have friends to help me out. Here I have no one and so I have no perspective on our situation. I just feel very sorry that my children will grow up with out a father. Having grown up without one myself I feel I have tried really hard to not get myself into this situation. But how much can one really put up with? Because we have fallen in to a "traditional" marriege I basically do all the child/house/finance related things. He goes to work and work is the ultimate, he won't say no to them at all. So I have no idea from one day to the next if he will be come home at a certain time, and on the weekends he feel like he needs time to relax. I never get a break with out demanding it and even then it is hard to do anything as I don't like the way he cares for our children. I guess everything points to leaving but I keep hoping that he will GET it. Thanks for all your reponses.

I think you know your answer already. What is done is done and you can't go back and say that you don't want to repeat your mother's mistakes, but would you prefer for your children to grow up with a hppy mum or an unhappy set of parents who are always fighting. I know which I would choose. Don't feel guilty about it and don't stay because of the children because it isn't in their best interests for you to do that if you are unhappy.

Maybe this will be the wake up call that he needs, and maybe he will realise the error of his ways as a result, but you won't know unless you try and do what is best for yourself. He is laying a guilt trip on you so that you won't leave and that is perfectly understandable as he doesn't sound like he wants the change either, but he can't treat you like that and expect you to put up with it. I know what I would do if I was you, bu as I said before you have to listen to you instincts and try and picture ahead and see where you want to be. If you come closer to the realisatio of leaving him then tell your mum straight away - if she has been in the same situation then she will be the best person to talk to you. Don't feel embarressed about it, people experience things like this every day so you have nothing to be ashamed about. ((((())))))

Oh, whatshouldido, I really feel for you. We'd have a big screaming, violent row and then afterwards dh would just say 'Oh, can't we just forget about it and go back to how things were 24 hours ago/last week/last year?' He basically wanted carte blanche to behave as he liked and then would just expect me to 'get over it'. So therefore if there were any problems in our relationship it was basically my fault for not 'getting over it'. In the end there was too much to get over - even though he did try to change a bit it was too little too late - all my trust and respect in him had gone and then the marriage was effectively over anyway.

Only you know if he is really likely to change. I totally understand you hanging on in there in hope, but deep down you will know the truth. Ask yourself whether you can live like this for the next year, 5 years, 10 years. He doesn't seem to take you very seriously but maybe a wake-up call is all he needs. I hope so. Be strong - we are all here for you