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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I bother??

20 replies

patch123 · 10/08/2015 13:29

I don't know what to do. My dp is childless and I have two dc. He has never been 100% on the whole family life and was due to move in in January but freaked out and said he was overwhelmed and that we were very different and he wasn't sure about living with my boys.
Fast forward to now and the last 6 mths.... we have tried to sort it out and move forward but we are still in a limbo where he has his flat and only really sees me/us for the good bits ie: me on my own when the boys are with their Dad or a few hrs here and there or days out with all of us.
I recently found out that his Brother and him have been talking saying that" this isn't what he needs in his life" and "if I ask him to move forward anymore then to turn and run and never look back". His texts come up on his phone when they come through so if his phone is near you see them and I saw one saying "I hear you but I won't do anything silly until Aug is over" and the other was during my Sons big football annual do and it had been touch and go to whether dp would come as we were rocky but he did and he was texting saying "wish I had the single life. I'm stuck at kids football, he's not won anything and we're still here zzzzzzz". I found this insulting and upsetting as actually me and the boys really look forward to the trophy night and I had still let him join in even though we weren't that happy and he was just putting it down behind our back.
We are now meant to be trying him moving in for a week fulltime to see if it works but is it worth the bother? Shouldn't he have wanted to move in properly 6ths ago and been happy and excited if it was right? Feels like he is using me until somthing better/younger comes along. I do love and would have loved to live with him, marry him and even have a baby (I say "even" because I'm 40 so time is running out) but he says he's not sure he wants children with me as my children are too boisterous and my 12yr old is hormonal and he wants it to be 100% right. But now feel very rejected from earlier in the year and find it hard to be as into him as I was but can't quite let go as he keeps promising he loves me and wants to make it work but its been over 3yrs. Any opinions welcome and helpful.. Thanks

OP posts:

Jan45 · 10/08/2015 14:10

Disaster written all over it, he's putting you and your kids down behind your back and you want him to move in with you???

Cancel all plans, by all means carry on dating him but from what you have written he is not committed and yes, I think he would be off like a shot should some woman with no kids comes along!

I'd bin him just for the nasty comments he has made with his brother.

maybebabybee · 10/08/2015 14:13

to you but I think you need to end this relationship. It's clear he's not going to accept your kids. There are plenty of men out there who would be willing to participate in family life - go and find one of them instead.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 10/08/2015 14:15

You all deserve more than this man and what he is willing to give

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 14:15

op he is not for you and your dc. There are blokes out there that don't treat you like this.

Many posters will come on and say run for the hills/bin him off.... and I hope you take stock of it. Clinging on to a 'hope' that a relationship will miraculously work out will be really damaging for you and your dc

pocketsaviour · 10/08/2015 14:17

This reminds me so much of my ex. He was telling me everything was rosy and he wanted a future with me but "wasn't sure if it was the right thing for your DS".

Then I found a load of text msgs between him and his best mate slagging off my son, and slagging off me for being too fat which was a fucking cheek considering he was shorter than me but weighed more

In my case I'd been stupid enough to move in with him (and lend him several grand which I have never got back); luckily for you, you can walk away without too much disruption.

If you are happy with a relationship which is basically just sex - keep seeing him. If you want someone to settle down with, you're going to have to look elsewhere.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2015 14:19

Why would you inflict such a reluctant live-in partner on your boys ?

Amarena · 10/08/2015 14:25

I agree with Jan.

I would tell him what you've said in your post and see what he says. If he doesn't come through for you then please don't waste any more of your time with this idiot and concentrate on you and your lovely boys instead. It sounds like he's only there for the fun stuff or when they're not around. If that's not what you're looking for, and you want more of a family environment then it's unlikely that you're going to get it with him.

Good luck, I really feel for you as I've sort of been there myself. Let us know what you decide to do.

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 10/08/2015 14:28

I agree with above. Good luck.

Original poster

patch123 · 10/08/2015 14:43

Thank you for your advice everyone. One thing I missed out was that my eldest Son struggles with emtions and anger and we are going through having him counselled and tested for adhd just to try and help him cope really but dp and his brother seemed to find it funny and behind my back said" I wonder if she's watching the naughty child proframme, see if he's (my son) autistic or not lol". This is my Son! And its very distressing to see him unsettled and anxious but to them it was a reason to take the micky. I know you're all right, just scared to end it..

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 10/08/2015 14:47

Well now he sounds even more of a twat.

What are you afraid of OP? Being alone? As long as you're with this jerk, you're wasting time you could be spending with someone who actually likes you and wants to be with you.

pictish · 10/08/2015 14:51

You know what you need to do. He's not the right man to become a part of your family...it would only lead to resentment and dissatisfaction all round, not to mention the damage a hostile and reluctant stepfather would bring to your kids.
He's not for you love. I'm sorry.

thenumberseven · 10/08/2015 16:00

I could understand if he's not cut out for family life but all the rest is awful.
Making jokes with his brother about you and your children is disrespectful and vile.
I would drop like a hot potato.
You and your children deserve better

TeaStory · 10/08/2015 16:08

He's messed you about.

He is nasty about you and your children.

He's not going to suddenly change if you move in together. Please don't subject yourself and your sons to a man who clearly doesn't like any of you. I wonder if your eldest son picks up on this man's feelings and behaviour - this could be adding to his difficulties.

I agree with PPs who say he will be off as soon as he meets a woman with no kids. His promises to you are worthless because he just doesn't mean them.

Dumdedumdedum · 10/08/2015 16:09

Please, don't let him string you along in this way. Finish with him before he finishes with you, keep your self-respect and move on with your own family. Better to be on your own looking after your children by yourself then living with someone who puts them down and won't participate properly in family life.
It's a tough thing to do, but from what you've said, I don't think you'll regret it long-term.

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2015 16:13

What a horrible man. He doesn't even have the courage to talk to you about this, does he?

Tell him to get lost; your sons deserve it and you do, too.

iAmSiri · 10/08/2015 16:17

I think it will be quite an emotionally abusive environment for your dc if you let this man move in. You need to step up for your kids sake and get rid of this man.

Original poster

patch123 · 10/08/2015 17:16

Thank you

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 10/08/2015 17:24

Good luck. I agree with everyone else - he is horrible. You would be better off on your own.

I too wonder if he is contributing to your son's behaviour problems.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2015 17:35

Put your children first, OP. Any man that took the piss out of them would be GONE. Don't be one of those women.

thenumberseven · 10/08/2015 20:12

He "wishes for the single life" please grant him his wish.
Don't wait around for him to decide the fate of the relationship which he will end sooner or later.
Get him out of yours and your DCs life. Concentrate on DC and yourself and don't spend a minute of your time on this sorry individual.

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