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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Man, 37 claims never to have been in a relationship. ???

45 replies

jezestbelle · 10/08/2015 09:22

Hi
I met a guy recently as an acquaintance through a shared interest club. He is goodlooking some would say very gl, good shape very kindhearted and likeable, has a good job with his own home etc. I was just curious as I ve recently got back in the saddle myself so to speak. Chap in question knows another man in the group well and this latter man told me the 2 of them were talking about relationships. The more recent joiner supposedly claimed never to have been in a relationship. He is not a player and doesn't seem to want to be neither is he gay although it wouldn't be inconceivable. I just do not see how he can be telling the truth but can't see his advantage in lying either. Wondered if anyone had come across someone like this before?

OP posts:

eurogoose · 10/08/2015 12:31

OK OP, I just wondered.

LadyPenny · 10/08/2015 12:34

My brother is 45 and I don't ever remember him having a GF. I've no idea if he's a virgin or not. He still lives with my mum which I find a bit sad.

eurogoose · 10/08/2015 12:34

And to the topic itself, I know a man in his early 50s who hasn't ever had a relationship. He dates a lot and although I wouldn't label him as a player, he just never seems to have more than 3 or 4 dates with the same woman. He's good looking, intelligent, kind, but I think he's either looking for perfection or has issues with commitment. Or both!

Wrapdress · 10/08/2015 12:49

Having a relationship and having sex are two totally different things. Sex is easy to find and you don't have to have a relationship to have sex. Well, at least I don't. And, you know, sex can lead to a baby. And then, dating as a single mother is hard as many of us know and before you know it, years and decades have gone by without a relationship. I date a little bit now.

Original poster

jezestbelle · 10/08/2015 13:01

Lots of stories here including some that are quite touching. It is sad if someone longs for something and cannot have it for whatever reason. I just am always struck by how different real life is to what the media etc say, and what a variety of situations there are. I also think the property price issue hasn't helped some 30^40 somethings gain independence. My younger brother was a case in point and a relationship desert until he got his own place. Now he is well and truly making up for lost time. I am happy for him and wish happiness to all those who seek it and have not yet found it. I am learning to be a bit more open minded about how others find it, not always through a relationship I guess although it seems ironic that those who give off the vibe of being fine without one are often those that draw others to them.

OP posts:

Mutt · 10/08/2015 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

jezestbelle · 10/08/2015 15:48

Mutt I was referring to a romantic relationship. As for sex,first I very much doubt a man would admit even if he was a virgin to another man, secondly I simply don't know if this person is a virgin or not. He kind of seems quite intense iyswim when acting or singing especially and I had associated this kind of aura with a man being quite sexual, but perhaps I am wrong. The Japanese herbivore article has started me seeing things very differently. Interesting to read how Japanese women have reacted to the apparent lack of interest as well.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2015 15:56

Yes, it does depend what is meant by 'relationship'. Some people are totally uninterested and have never had sex, either. Others might date and/or have sex, but don't consider anyone their 'partner', don't engage in monogamy or plan to set up home with/marry/have children with anyone.

brokenhearted55a · 10/08/2015 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bleakhouse1879 · 10/08/2015 16:55

I'm 36 and never been in a proper relationship, I'm not quasimodo. When I was younger going out raving it up to drum n bass and german acid techno in a sweaty warehouse was much more preferable than cosy nights in on the sofa with a Hugh Grant film.

Offred · 10/08/2015 16:59

Is he not entitled to privacy?!

I think it is far weirder to be gossiping about someone's relationships in this way tbh... I mean how rude?! Wondering if he is gay or a virgin?! Jeez...

If you are interested in him make an effort to get to know him, don't gossip about him behind his back - that's quite hurtful!

Owllady · 10/08/2015 17:01

I'm 37 and have been with the same man for 20 years, I don't know what is worse :o

Cabrinha · 10/08/2015 17:04

My 43yo brother has never had a girlfriend.
He's an arsehole though.

Original poster

jezestbelle · 10/08/2015 17:38

I didn't think I was being hurtful as there is absolutely no way he can be traced from the scant information I have given. I didn't think it was gossip either although perhaps I was wrong. However I did find the posts very illuminating. I would never seek to intentionally hurt someone's feelings.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2015 21:33

I am 50 and have never lived with a partner or been married. I'm quite proud of that. I have had plenty of sex and have a DS (and am on very good co-parenting terms with his father.)

twilightskye · 10/08/2015 21:35

I've never had a relationship either (35 next month.)

Coffeemarkone · 11/08/2015 11:33

OK I admit I have never had a successful or long term hetero relationship

maninasuit · 03/10/2015 09:17

I'm 45 and never had a relationship..I am quite shy and quite like my own company although I do socialize..when I was a teenager i knew i would never have relationships..but i think it's fine..i sometimes think it would be odd to never have one my own life but at the same time i'm ok on my own

Ethelswith · 03/10/2015 09:33

My DBro is older than the man you've met jezestbelle and he has never had a cohabiting relationship.

He's had three girlfriends we've known about, but none long-term and long intervals between them. He's always been a bit eccentric, which might be a factor, but he's kind, solvent and WYSIWYG.

I don't think you can generalise about why someone has never been in an LTR. Or at least not in any way that's useful in deciding what you're going to do next. Though perhaps that is some sort of answer - it's not a red flag in itself.

arsenaltilidie · 03/10/2015 10:51

It's sad to see, the majority of these men do not interact with women at all. The few noticed by other women are just the tip of the iceberg.

The common denominator for most of these men is they are shy.

If you are looking for a LTR its important to find out why they have never been in a LTR.
It's certainly not a red flag but an amber flag.

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